bipolar · Life · mental health · mental illness · Self Image · Stigma

Friends and diagnoses

You may say you care.

You might wish me luck.

You may have the best intents but it just doesn’t show up.

Wish me well, understand.

Just don’t attempt to take me by the hand.

I know my position. I’m well aware of my affliction.

It’s not your position to help me get through my diagnosis.

Did I ask you? Did I beg you?

I was only throwing it out there trying not to persuade you.

Why did you run so fast? Forgetting that I am human.

What can I do from so far away when I’m the only one I’m ruining.

So I’ll keep my mouth shut. Keep it simple and sweet.

We won’t get too deep because the Stigma scares you more than your own contradictions.

Advertisements
Poetry

The March – a poem repost

I wrote this poem in April of 2016. I think this is a good time to repost it.

The March

When we join to march on Washington to end Stigma against the Mentally Ill

The turn out will probably be small

I will be there, my mother and hopefully a friend or two.

 

But CNN, NBC and ABC will probably have better things to do

As I said, the turn out will be small

Maybe a local paper or a blogger

But it won’t make international news,

No BBC World for this strut.

 

Because in their eyes and closed minds

There is “NO” story.

 

As for the Marchers,

None of us will have guns or planes or buses to crash into building and mountains

None of us will have shot up a school or post office within the past few days

Many of us will have medication and a water bottle to take them with,

Oh yeah and sunscreen, because some meds make you sensitive to sunlight

You can get dehydrated.

 

If we get a hundred of us to show up

I would be quite surprised.

It’s not because our numbers are few, oh no

We number in the millions.

 

If you look to your left

If you look to your right and smile

We are there, the mentally ill don’t wear a Scarlet MI on our foreheads

But we are present.

 

When the March on Washington to help end Stigma against the Mentally Ill happens

The turn out will be small,

Not because of the numbers,

Rather, because the backlash the next day, will be fierce

 

For the one Television Station that does show up will broadcast our faces and

Bob from accounting.

 

And the next day, he will return to work and he will no longer just be Bob

No longer the guy they chat up at the water cooler and play fantasy football with,

No longer the Aerosmith fan in the next cubical, or the one who makes office lunch runs on Wednesday

No longer the cute guy from accounting, with the daughter on the honor roll.

He won’t be Bob anymore…

 

Bob will become, the ticking bomb

In the eyes of his co-workers and employer

The nut job next door, to his neighbors who use to admire his lawn tending skills

The crazy used to carpool with the other guys, until the March on Washington

And they all saw his face with the sign, “I am Mentally Ill… Let’s do lunch”

 

For each Mentally Ill person who makes the headlines

There are tens of thousands, who never will.

 

We fear losing our jobs

We fear losing our friends and our families

We fear losing our lives we have worked on so hard,

Day after day too keep together

like anyone else, with one slight difference.

 

The therapy, the meds, the coping mechanisms

The private break downs and possible inpatient stays.

All designed to keep it together, and we do.

 

So, when we all join to battle Stigma

The few of us who have come

I guess we will be there for the Bob’s and Jane’s,

Who can’t attend, because of what they are afraid they will loose.

 

The Stigma is that strong, the prejudice, the persecution.

Like Blacks and Gays, who have had to fight for years to be seen, heard and counted

I wonder if we will ever get our March, or Stonewall Inn.

 

We have always been the family secret to me hidden away somewhere since the days of Ancient Rome.

And here it is, here we are today and no one is willing to march with us or for us.

To identify our struggle,

 

We fight everyday, just to have a life and bring home a paycheck

We seek out treatment and help, when sometimes no help is offered or available.

When we can’t afford our medication and we have to ration out what we have left, if any.

 

No March on Washington will take place

Because we fear that the love and admiration we may have now,

will turns to fear from our family and friends

Once the mask is taken off and we are labeled.

 

So the mentally ill won’t come.

The media will pass, Bob’s job is safe

And we will continue day to day

We survive and we do it damn well.

Because we are strong and because we can.

DIH

3/09/2015

bipolar · depression · Long term Therapy · Meds · mental health · mental illness · Stigma · Support · Thoughts

A quest for stability

scale

 

 

I believe in destiny. And fate, which makes me wonder about my present situations in life. Life may not be the greatest, but I tell myself and I know “IT COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE”.

I look at people in other countries; whom, if they were in my present state of life, would be dead. I don’t wonder about “WHY” anymore.

Sometimes, there aren’t any answers. It is what it is. No why’s, it just is.

If you obsess on answers to why you are physically and mentally ill, it will send you out of your mind. And the whole point is to be stable.

I don’t believe in the term ‘recovery’ when applied to mental health. Because you never recover from some illnesses, they can go into states of remission. But you have always be diligent about triggers and over doing things.

So it’s just a quest for stability. In my eyes.

There are people who have gone thru stages of depression and have reached recovery.

But for the BiPolar and Schizophrenic and Schizoaffective etc.; these things never go away. And that is the reason why I believe in taking meds diligently and keeping up with therapy to help support the medication. Like a one, two punch.

There are millions of people who suffer daily. And they suffer in silence, due to fear and stigma and family influences. And that saddens me. Because you are not alone, not by any means. And that’s something to remember.

 

 

bipolar · depression · Life · mental health · mental illness · Thankfulness · Thoughts

All quiet..A simple blessing

It’s strange how you can have a down time. When the depression isn’t there and the mania is at bay. You know that somewhere in the back of your mind, you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I’m waiting for another flare up. Which will trigger some anxiety and that’s always fun.

The ‘growth’ on my pituitary gland caused a depression wave from hell.

I wish I could just enjoy what I have now. Live ‘in’ the moment as they tell you. But is that lying to yourself?

I have to always be on my toes for triggers and symptom and all the other stuff. Leaves you on pins and needles at times.

But I’m trying to forget all that and just enjoy the peace. It’s not as easy as it sounds, I think it kinda leaves you blind sighted to things and you can’t see them coming until it’s too late.

But I don’t want to live on a tightrope.

So, for today; I will eat what’s left of my birthday cake. Read Locke & Key, the graphic novel. And try to get some rest. It’s finally getting cold around here.

I guess that’s living in the moment. Tomorrow can take care of tomorrow.

But I won’t be blind to my environment and what may effect me negatively.

Today is a simple blessing and I accept it without reserve.

bipolar · Life · Long term Therapy · Meds

Is this Bizzarro World?

Woke up this morning feeling like nothing was ever wrong with me…???

Sure there was still the physical limitations, stiffness and minor aches. Did I just say minor?

I have been going thru a Flare Up with my Sjogrën’s Syndrome. It made me wackier than usual and in some serious pain.

So I had that going on and the therapist dump all at the same time. Maximum Overload.

Today, I wake up at 6:30 am. Lately, I have only been sleeping 3 hours and not being able to take naps.

Decided to leave the clinic and transfer to another one. I am the consumer and I am not satisfied with the services they offer. My insurance covers it, so I am ok. I wish it was that way for everyone.

I can’t imagine being stuck in a crapy situation for your mental health needs and having no choice. Either you do what is available or you have nothing. It’s a shame that this is the usual situation across the country.

We have been promised a change in the offering and availability of mental health care here in the US. I just hope its for the better. That there is an INCREASE in availability and that meds are easier to get for those of us who choose to take that road.

Today I am feeling good. I’m gonna live in the moment. Tomorrow will take care of tomorrow. Mindfulness today, moment by moment.

bipolar · Life · Long term Therapy · mental health · Short term therapy · Support

Is this the future of Therapy for the Mentally Ill?

Its tough enough meandering thru life with a mental illness; you’ve got STIGMA, the inability to find and KEEP the therapy or meds you may need, due to money or changes in the mental health care system.

I knew my therapist was leaving. I thought I would be transferred to another one, seeing as I have a chronic illness, the BiPolar.

But no; they just closed my case on the day of my appointment without prior warning. They no longer handle ‘long term‘ therapy.

And it was so convenient, right in town. I love the nurse practitioner, but part of me wants to go, because

I NEED THAT ONE SELFISH DAY, ONCE A MONTH; WHERE I CAN FOCUS ON ONLY ME AND NOT ANYONE ELSE; ITS CALLED INDIVIDUAL THERAPY!

I thought of going without and just opening a case when things were really tough and after I get through the one hurdle. I would be without a therapist again. Until the next hurdle, which eventually would come alone, hey it’s called life.

So I would just be opening up all these cases and it would get ridiculous. Dropping Mentally Ill patients without warning and basically saying “YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH THERAPY. GOODBYE“. Now that’s ridiculous.

I’ve now got to find another therapist or clinic. Now is not a good time. But then again, when is it a good time to say goodbye to someone who has seen you thru over 10 years of the darkest days of your life?

Not easy…

I have two options now, but I’m not gonna rush this, it’s my life I’m dealing with and I want to make sure this doesn’t happen again.

They say the future of Mental Health Care are ‘short term’  and ‘goal oriented’ sessions with the therapist typing in your responses as you say them, like a stenographer. They are basically taking dictation and offering coping skills and you have no idea what they are putting into the computer, that’s not therapy. That’s dictation.

At the end they ask you, “SO, do you think you’ve made progress in the 30 mins I’ve been typing down what you’re saying and giving very little response or reassurement?”

I find this cold, impersonal and RUDE. If I’m gonna share with you things I can’t even tell my own mother, at least look at me and PRETEND to pay attention or be concerned.

I am angry and disgusted with the whole process.

They also mention, that it’s an insurance thing. But it doesn’t matter that this THING doesn’t apply to my case.

So where does that leave me? Hunting and hoping; that’s where it leaves me.

bipolar · Life · lyrics and music · Self Image · Stigma

I never realized… “It’s all about that Bass”.

I never realized what this song was about… I thought it was just another annoying new song on the radio. But “All about that Bass”, really has some positive lyrics. Self-image and body confidence are addressed and I feel that is important for young girls today.

I actually like the song now.

Uc90clD

Too many stick figures in the magazines. They even made the hamsters in the Kia Soul car commercials thin… WTF, when was the last time you saw a skinny hamster??? Let alone driving…

iu-2

I could go on for days how Seventeen magazine ‘brainwashed’ me thru high school. Pushing what others thought a girl ‘should’ look like and not being happy with who they were and just loving themselves.

Between body image and mental illness STIGMA, I could fill a book. These are two things which inflame me to a passion. Very little else can get me riled up these days.

Sjogren’s flare up this week, so I’m not doing much. Had to drop one med, but now I can’t sleep well at night, have to see my pdoc soon.

Still working on the thyroid levels. So, until they get normalized, things will remain a bit ‘wibbley wobbley’.

Missing Doctor Who at the moment, and The Walking Dead also, but at least I have ‘Blacklist’ too catch up on and watch for the time being.

Still tired though, which has become a constant.