bipolar · depression · Life

Times you think it’s going to be fine

I had two weeks, maybe three or a month. Can’t remember, all I know is that, I could feel depression sneaking in the background. Behind trees, watching me as I took my daily walk. Hanging from the walls of my apartment and casting doubt into every action I made.

Then, like a genius, I added alcohol. I thought it would help me sleep. I slept worse. I stopped exercising for two days and now I’m exhausted. My body aches and all I want to do is to stay in bed.

Bed is my friend. It’s a good place. I can hide there, dream there, be there. But its empty. Apart from the stuffed animals. (Girl thing).

So now I wonder, how long will this last. It’s the closest I felt to being (cured) of BP in years. I know there is no cure, I know it’s an illness I have to deal with 24/7/365. I know this, its reality. But I felt good and I haven’t felt good in over 7 years. Arbitrary number, it could be more. You lose count. With all the med changes and hospitalizations and therapy and physical illnesses. Life becomes a blur and I already wear glasses.

Too much to do today and visitors tomorrow. Two doctors the next day and accompany my mom on Friday.

Then holiday week. Christmas, New Years Eve and New Years Day.

No parties, no presents, no invitations. But the world will continue with the process and I guess I will just “be”.

There are times when you think you’ve got it beat. Delusional. I guess I just have to be happy with what is offered and given to me.

I have to brush, floss, bathe, lotion, gargle, sleep. And what surrounds that, I guess its life.

My Mom had cancer, she’s 100% cancer free. But she’s still healing and it’s stressing. I don’t know how she took care of me when I was sick, so much worrying, stress and demands. I guess that’s why I’m barren. God knew I couldn’t handle children and BiPolar.

There are reasons I know nothing about.

bipolar · depression · Life · Meds · mental health · mental illness · Self Image · social anxiety · Stigma · Thoughts

Me and Algernon

You find yourself back home. From a low stress environment. You try to hold onto the lessons you were taught by the groups and therapists while you were inpatient. And it slowly becomes gobbely gook. A hodge podge of words you find hard to attach to ‘reality’. The outside world.

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to cope with the every day. Where people take pleasure in causing you stress and pain. Where words hurt you more than sticks and stones. And there are REAL MONSTERS walking the streets in their masks with evil thoughts.

There are times I wish they still institutionalized us, put us away on some plot of land and protected us from them and them from us. But there were still monsters behind those doors. Are we safe nowhere?

I didn’t ask for Mental Illness, I just live with it, not in it, with it.

I am trying, I really am and I just hope I don’t break again. I’m realizing “THERE’S ALWAYS SOMETHING”. It’s unending. Down the road, around the corner. There will always be some type of stressor, waiting and pouncing.

It doesn’t matter how good a person you are or how many godly deeds you do a day. They still wait, they still strike. But its all in how you ‘react’. How you process and overcome.

I’m working on that, letting things lay where they will if I can not influence them. Because I have no control over the world. Who really wants to rule the world, such a mess.

So I pray, and hope and fight when need be, but not in vain. I stand up for myself and let my voice be heard. I spread the word.

Stop STIGMA. I think that’s why we get triage mental health units. Pump you full of drugs, set you up with clinics and kick you out. No groups, no peace, as stressful as the real world. Just full of more pills. Shit, I could have done this at home.

They can’t cure us, only help the symptoms. I kinda feel like we are dismissed. We don’t get telethons, or concerts.

Only news coverage when someone stops taking their meds or has no access to proper mental health care. And their illness takes over. That’s when we make the news. And then we fade away from the public eye.

I remember reading “FLOWERS FOR ALGERNON”. I loved that book. One of my favorites. IF you haven’t lived with mental illness all you life, there are moments in your life that were clear, and productive and positive. Charlie had these, and then they were taken away. Lucky for him, when he went back to where he was before, he didn’t realize he was once, “NORMAL”.

To me, there is no NORMAL. I take meds, but there are many out there who are worse off then I am and they are considered NORMAL.

It’s hard to look back at what I use to be, who I was before the bottom fell out. I don’t look back anymore, too much pain and self hatred.

I can’t live like that. I have to be who I am now, live with what I have now, and hope that NOW is enough.

Can’t future think, I get overwhelmed and it all turns to failure. But I can hope, that one day. I will accomplish something.

Maybe I’ll finish the maze before the mouse.

bipolar · depression · Life

A realization

I’m in it. I find myself with no emotions. I’m a blank. I feel and care for nothing. I may smirk at the amusing, but I feel tethered here against my will.

Some have the courage to say goodbye. I hold on for the love of my mother. I don’t want to see her cry.

People never realize the damage they do, until after they have done it. And no words can take away the sting and the wound. It is done. It can’t be ‘undone’.

I am poor and powerless. I am destine to suffer.

I always wondered what my ‘purpose’ in life was, since this illness came upon me, I have been lost. My plans for the future have all been one by one taken away from me and I am a waste of space. Using borrowed air, I did not earn.

My purpose is to suffer. To be constantly kicked aside and in the head. To be that poor bastard, so others can say, ‘whew, glad that wasn’t me’.

I am the example of what NOT to be.


Since I was a child- Poem

Since I was a Child

The room was dark

The streets were bare

The rain it fell and lived out there

I found it plain

I found it dead

I wondered why there were voices in my head

I did not invite them

I made no request

I wondered if this was God’s selfish test

would I crack

Would I break

Would I direct traffic in a leather cape.

Who would save me

Who would step up

Who would accept me

And my over flowing cup

Since I was a child

The world has been dark

My dreams, my poem, my tears have been lost

Since I was a child

The world has been askew

I can not remember to whom I was talking too

If you asked me at that age, ‘what is it all about?’

I would simply smile and turn and skip about

If you asked me at that age, “are you happy, or content”

I simply would not know what ‘content’ meant.

Things aren’t so simple

Things aren’t so bright

The darkness has been within me

And now it’s come to light

I can’t skip or play or contemplate

I’ve seen too much reality

And it scares me half to death….

dih – 8/23/2012

anxiety · relationships

no tea, no shade… I’m not missing the negativity in the room.

Don’t really miss my long time friend. His negativity was just too much of a burden. His FB posts have been irking me lately, so I blocked his feed. I can’t live a positive life with a negative mind. I’m sorry, it’s just not doable.

I don’t know if I will ever “really” want to restart our friendship years from now. I can do without for now. I need to stay positive and concentrate on moving on forwards and doing ‘good’ things. Not dwell on the past and live in a constant state of grey.

I’m no cheerleader. I’ve said this before. I see both sides of the coin and accept it wherever it lands. Today is good so far. Let’s just hope it stays that way. If not, I’ll sleep and drink tea.

This stuff really works and is helping me get thru not having Xanax. Add a bag of Sleepytime, and it’s nite nite. Which is good. Cause I need to be calmed down lately.

Here’s a link to the product if you want to read more about it.