Life · mental health · Thoughts

I love my bed. I love to dream

I try to stay out of bed during the daytime. No TV in the bedroom. Just a stereo, books and furniture. Oh yeah and my bed. My wonderful, firm/soft mattress and fluffy pillows all for me.

I love my bed because I love to sleep. Perchance to DREAM. Dreaming is the most incredible experience when you think of it. Sometimes you get the weird ones or occasional nightmares. The majority of times I get great adventures and dreams of those who have passed dropping in to say hello and they love me. Those are the best.

Then there are my Indiana Jones dreams. Lifelike adventures complete with battles against the bad guy. Those dreams are so realistic I hate to wake up.

There was a time my bed was a retreat from the world. Nineteen hours of sleep and not a dream to be had. That was over twenty years ago. There are times I want to retreat to the bed again. I fight it. Distract and live life.

For the first time in many years, I feel alive again. Clear and ready to do things I haven’t done before. I am so thankful.

 

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bipolar · depression · rant

Not my Day

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Too much noise. Too many people. An exhausting workout. A wonderful person dies. The neighbors throw a party and shake the house. It’s still going on despite my complaints.

All while you battle negative thoughts. Depression and loneliness. Not even a fish to come home to.

At this moment, it’s not even home.

Thank God for tomorrow. At least there’s a chance for improvement.

bipolar · depression

Struggling with Depression

Depression has a strange weight to it. You can feel it holding you down. You drag it behind you like a weighted shadow.

The light box helps. The walks help. There are feelings of underlying sadness and dread which you can’t pinpoint. There are family health issues which are beyond my control. It doesn’t keep you from worrying despite the fact.

Little things used to keep me happy or entertained. Days just seem to fly by with nothing being accomplished.

Depression is here. The nature of the beast (bipolar). Up and down. I’m just grateful that things aren’t as bad as they used to be. I need a day of nothing. Sleep. Reading and more sleep.

Distractions help. For a while. This post is going nowhere and it is hard to write because my thinking isn’t clear.

The depression will be gone soon. Meanwhile…

anxiety · bipolar · depression · Life · Poetry

Empty Mornings – A Poem

Waking up

Opening eyes

Dry mouth and sore thighs

The chairs are barren

The table set

The dishes washed

I never leave a mess

No one ever calls

But just in case

The apartment is clean as gallery walls

Silent Sundays

Still Friday nights

Saturday is for television

And Popcorn for one

Things become familiar

Medication routine

Waiting for it all to kick in

So I can function once again.

Searching for the meaning of this emotional state

Popping a pill to quell the anxiety

Eating chocolate to satiate

Not knowing what I want

Not knowing what I need

Just knowing there is emptiness

If it stopped suddenly

I would find it all peculiar

Living so long like this makes living without impossible

And Saturday’s are for television

And Popcorn for one.

DIH – 9/26/18

bipolar · depression · Life · Meds · mental health · mental illness

Me and my lightbox.

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I’m finding that I’m slowly slipping into a depression. I’m walking and trying to distract myself but it’s getting harder.

The mania is gone. Blessing. I no longer have WWF above my head, but now I have Romper Room. With the yelling, shrilling screaming and banging stuff on the floor. Running through the house at 10pm from room to room.

Sometimes I wonder why things are so difficult are I feel like they are approaching a level of difficulty I won’t be able to handle.

I’ve been using light therapy and it has been helping. I need it at least twice a day now. This didn’t happen this early last year. Everything has changed and with my current state of mind; it’s hard to keep the negative thoughts away.

The desire to write is slowly coming back. I just need some peace and quiet. Gonna try headphones.

Want to try learning Italian again now that I’m finished with reading ALL of the Manga Bleach. Major accomplishment. Kudos to me. 🙂

I wake up with fleeting thoughts about self-harm and I dismiss them, which is good. Guess it’s just gonna be a winter of this SHIT above my head and in my head.

Not in a good place. Hopefully, the lamp can improve the way I’m feeling.

I’m on Instagram. Basically, post positive things or things about mental health. Started taking photos of stuff I like and posting them. Flowers, trees other crap.

Most pleasure comes from looking at other peoples posts of places I’ll never see in person. (Negative thinking, I know.)

I shall call him Chucky because he pisses on the floor, bites and hits and stomps through the apartment above my head where you can hear everything. EVERYTHING. Chucky has blocks which he throws at the floor.

Isn’t life beautiful?

 

anxiety · bipolar · mental health · mental illness · Self Image · Thankfulness · Thoughts

Morning Walks

 

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My morning walks are helping my moods. It lifts my spirits and allows me to clear my mind of negative thoughts and things I have to do for the day. They reduce my anxiety and that is the main thing.

Although I did have two in a row after coming back from one recently. Triggers and timing are all I have to say about that incident.

I believe I am stable which is a good place. I’m feeling so much better about myself and am taking steps to improve my self-esteem.  Things just don’t seem to bother me as much. I have my fears and doubts and a full range of emotions. Just like everyone else.

I can control somethings in my life and accept that there are things which are out of my control. I’m not a control freak, never have been. In the whole circle of things, I need to remind myself that others will believe what they will and do what they do, no matter what you advise.

I can’t save the world. And I don’t think I want that responsibility either. I can make changes in my life and hopefully advise positively to my friends. I can raise my voice to things I support. Help when I can and provide random acts of kindness without expecting anything in return. I love doing this the most. 🙂

There are a few things I want to do that are simple and will provide me with joy. Nothing serious, just little goals which make me happy. I like taking pictures with my phone, posting on Instagram or just scrolling through others pictures of nature. I’m trying to keep things simple as possible, that’s when I function at my best.

When you’ve got a three-year-old running through the apartment above your head you thank God for headphone.

“Just Hold Me Like Johnny Cash.” – Lenny Kravitz is a beautiful song I think I will hold in my heart forever. It’s off his new album “Raise Vibration.” Required listening.

My mother is still alive. There’s a loneliness to the song for me. Being alone. Always wondering if and when someone will come into my life. Wondering if I’m cursed to die alone. I think that’s my biggest fear.

 

anxiety · bipolar · Meds · mental health · mental illness

The other side of the temporary

 

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**I’ve just realized I’ve been going through this shit since March! It started in November 2017 and peaked in March when Latuda quit on me. Crazy, no?**

I have always respected others decisions to take or not take medication for whatever their diagnoses. I have tried doing without medication for my BiPolar etc. I’m just one of the many who need meds to function in a stable state of mind.

I’m stable and am so thankful every day. I look forward to actually DOING things. I haven’t been like this in years.

I’m more positive without being a Pollyanna. I still have my dark side and morbid sense of humor, sarcastic streak etc. Binging on Penny Dreadful has been so refreshing for me. Something that has EVERYTHING I love about that genre. So well written and acted.

I still love TWD and gonna catch up on FTWD. So much TV, so little time.

I got rid of cable and find myself getting more things done. Kinda. Just finding new things to occupy my time. Pokemon Go might be a new addiction. At least I get to walk more 🙂

Instagram is also something I’m doing. Positive posts about mental health and life. Sometimes concentrating on mental illness can be depressing. I like saying mental health. Yes, it’s an illness that you can’t fix. At least we can treat the symptoms.

I’ve taken some pictures on my phone and some are good. I like nature shots and odd things. Not into portraits or food or thousands of selfies. I still have the self-hatred shit to deal with, but I’m making progress.

Did a lot of walking this morning. So tired. It’s hot. ugh.

Family drama. As usual, but I’m keeping my distance. Dyed my hair. Not the color I wanted. It’s a nice black with blue highlights. Not brave enough for the full purple locs yet. LOL.

Discovered what an incredible photographer Julian Lennon is @julespicturepalace on Instagram. Each photo moves me and inspires me like true art should. This is the way I feel about Van Gogh and Sondheim and Motzart. My soul sways and I’m floating at the beauty. It’s been a long time since something has moved me like that. I love the cloud photos and the water with the blues he plays with and the landscapes. I’m partial to his B&W shots too. I love B&W photography with the shadows and the pure stark reality. Can’t hide in candy colors. I respect that.

I don’t know names of painting or movements in music. But I know what I like. I love his work.

Haven’t been able to truly write for months. With the med changes, I could barely make posts here. I was just starting to learn Italian when it all hit. Have to go back to lesson one. 😦  I’m not giving up though.

Hopefully, that will change. My friend was editing some of my stuff until she had an operation. Have to send a Marco Polo her and see how she’s doing.

Ciao