anxiety · bipolar · depression · Life · Poetry

Empty Mornings – A Poem

Waking up

Opening eyes

Dry mouth and sore thighs

The chairs are barren

The table set

The dishes washed

I never leave a mess

No one ever calls

But just in case

The apartment is clean as gallery walls

Silent Sundays

Still Friday nights

Saturday is for television

And Popcorn for one

Things become familiar

Medication routine

Waiting for it all to kick in

So I can function once again.

Searching for the meaning of this emotional state

Popping a pill to quell the anxiety

Eating chocolate to satiate

Not knowing what I want

Not knowing what I need

Just knowing there is emptiness

If it stopped suddenly

I would find it all peculiar

Living so long like this makes living without impossible

And Saturday’s are for television

And Popcorn for one.

DIH – 9/26/18

Advertisements
anxiety · bipolar · Meds

Medication change update and state of mind.

iu

 

Medication changes might cause you to take dorky pictures. I still have trouble smiling. I don’t know why. It’s something I have to examine.

This damn thing has been going on for over THREE months! I’m almost off of Latuda. The titration down has been rough. The only thing that has reduced the side effects has been eating three hearty meals a day. It’s hard because my new med leaves me with no appetite. I end up force feeding myself. Not pleasant.

I don’t eat much during the summer months which complicates the situation.

My mania landed Craig Charles a bunch of T-shirts for his Birthday and an early Christmas gift. LOL! I’m cool with it. He gives me so much with his show and the tweets he answers when he’s not too busy. He doesn’t have to and Craig and his wife have been very kind to me. Sweet people.

I have gained some positives from the experience. A few days of absolute confidence. Something I haven’t felt in over twenty years. I hope to hold onto a piece of that when things finally settle down. I can’t remember when all this started. Mornings are interesting until I’m medicated. Nothing serious. Concentration is hard.

Events like this after over ten years of stability remind me that there is no cure for BiPolar. Just treatments for symptoms. That goes for all mental illnesses. One may think they are fine because the symptoms have gone away. The depression, anxiety etc. It’s always there. Medication may be keeping it at bay or effective therapy or change of living situation. You just don’t know what trigger is down the road which will bring it back. I just hope that it doesn’t happen for all of you.

I am lost at the present moment. I had plans to learn Italian. My lack of concentration puts that on the back burner. Will I be able to write again? Who knows…. Gonna have to wait for the muse to visit.

The screenplay I was planning on writing based on a Manga book has already been done. And it SUCKS! Always has to add some stupid female sex partner. SMH

Entirely missed the megalomanic tendency of the character which drives the story. Pity.

Still might do it for my own pleasure. Just to polish my writing chops in that medium.

There was a dangerous game being played as the adjustment was/is being done. A dangerous side effect Tardive dyskinesia:

  • twitching or uncontrollable movements of your eyes, lips, tongue, face, arms, or legs.

This is the fear I had with Latuda. I was on three meds where this could happen. It scared the shit out of me. I’ve seen it happen to a friend of mine. I was at a distance so he couldn’t see my reaction. It scared me and I wanted to cry. He saw a Neurologist and was able to stop the side effect as well as get off the med.

My pdoc before the one I have now, put me on Dry Vitamin E (dry due to my stomach issues so I would absorb it.) Part of me believes that this helped and I pray it continues.

All I can say is you have to make sure you understand the pills you are popping down your gullet. Read up on them and make it apparent to your pdoc that you are aware of their side effects etc. Don’t go into this blind.

Watch your body for changes and keep in contact with your doctor if something changes. Be aware of your body and your mind. Hard to do. Takes some time to learn. Achievable!

There has to be a level of TRUST. You must trust your pdoc and they must trust you to report changes etc. and to take your meds religiously.

As I settle down and begin paying some bills, I will have to mark this down somewhere so I won’t be caught off guard. Ten years from now I don’t want to repeat this crap. Hell, I’ll be sixty-one!!

 

 

bipolar · Life · mental health · mental illness · Self Image · Stigma

Friends and diagnoses

You may say you care.

You might wish me luck.

You may have the best intents but it just doesn’t show up.

Wish me well, understand.

Just don’t attempt to take me by the hand.

I know my position. I’m well aware of my affliction.

It’s not your position to help me get through my diagnosis.

Did I ask you? Did I beg you?

I was only throwing it out there trying not to persuade you.

Why did you run so fast? Forgetting that I am human.

What can I do from so far away when I’m the only one I’m ruining.

So I’ll keep my mouth shut. Keep it simple and sweet.

We won’t get too deep because the Stigma scares you more than your own contradictions.

anxiety · bipolar · Life · Meds

Mentally Diligent​

I can’t stress the importance of being aware of your mind and your actions when you are BiPolar. I’m not saying you can stop everything, but you can curb yourself from heading into a dark place.

Things were running through my head this morning. I was cycling again. Started yesterday. Crying sometimes. Depressing thoughts other times. Shutting down and wishing I could just make it all stop.

I thought I could last until next week, but I couldn’t. I called and got squeezed in this afternoon and got a bump in my meds.

I avoided a deep depression and a week from hell.

Being Mentally Diligent is hard to learn and takes years of input from your therapist and family and lots of re-thinking your actions. At least it did for me. I am self-aware and it keeps me diligent of my illness and how my meds are working or not working.

Let’s see how this goes. Another adjustment and another appointment next week. I am blessed and lucky. I wouldn’t survive if I didn’t have the help I get from my support system.

People, therapists, psych doctors and the drop-in center. I guess it takes a village.

anxiety · bipolar · depression · Life · Meds · mental health · mental illness

For just a Millisecond…

 

There are twenty-four hours in a day. Fact. Within each hour I struggle to hold it together until stability lays itself at my feet once again. Within each hour there are seconds and milliseconds that clash with thoughts and emotions that swirl within my mind as I try and piece it all together into something I can call survival.

I try not to let this overwhelm me. I breathe, I distract, I medicate and detach myself from others so I won’t say or do something I will regret later. My tongue is sharp and my anger, angst, irritability shows when in the company of my family.

I apologize.

I may not be able to say that word enough or at the right time. But it is felt within my heart. For each short tempered moment and each barbed quip.

It is for these reasons I hate medication changes. I get ten years of something working well and then it fails me and I have to start from some lost place and hope to get back to somewhere where my only worry is what to do and not what my mind is doing.

My mother came by yesterday. It was a mixture of nerves and happiness. These feelings weren’t her fault. She did nothing wrong. It was all me. I knew I had to care for someone besides myself and I was overwhelmed. That is the answer to many questions in my life. Overwhelmed. Just holding it together is overwhelming. And that’s with medication that is faltering.

It has taken me so many years to get to a place of stability and to feel it teetering scares me.

I just wanted to lay calmly in bed today. I had taken my meds and played a few games on my phone to ‘distract.’ Napped a little and became agitated while listening to some CDs.

I just want peace and quite right now. I want to be alone. I need an adjustment on my present dosage of new medication. But my appointment is two weeks away.

I’ll be ok. I have to be. There is no alternative.

I can’t deal with other people’s lives and faults at this moment. It’s taking all I have to knit myself back together.

I want to do so much. I have so much to offer, I know this and have always known this somewhere inside. But I lack self-esteem and self-worth.

So I sit in front of my light-box and type this to relieve some of the thoughts rambling through my head. Today will be slow and so will tomorrow. I’ll go to therapy and then retreat back to my home to lick my wounds from stepping out the door.

It’s so hard to socialize and take the risks of not feeling safe.

I feel like I walk through a hurricane each day without protection. Each moment is a struggle and I fight against the wind and rain, but I continue to walk forward because I have no choice. There is some shelter in medication and therapy and I gratefully take them in as they ease the gale forces momentarily.

I step out into the storm again and take each millisecond and knit it into the next and hope to create something I can recognize as survival. Until I finally reach home and some state of stability.

How can you tell someone who lives each day like this too ‘shake it off?’

I will never understand that mindset. And they will never understand mine. I accept this and continue without their approval. Because I don’t need it.

 

anxiety · bipolar · Life · Meds

Things are changing… Slowly

I can tell when the meds begin to kick into my system. My thoughts line up, my anxiety lessens, things feel slightly stable. I can tell I need a bump in the dosage. I’m on the lowest dose now. I’m almost there. Almost back to stability or some resemblance of my definition.

I triggered myself before going to bed. It’s strange how you can forget what causes the nightmares and what will give you a good nights sleep.

I have to talk it through with my therapist. There’s something I think I know the answer too, but I’m not sure.

I have defined this trigger and it affects my entire life. Things I have to avoid in order to feel safe. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to work through this one.

Molestation is a life-altering occurrence which I don’t think people fully acknowledge. You can work your way around it and learn how to deal with it in your life. But it never goes away. It hides until it’s triggered. The fucked up fact is that sometimes you don’t know what that trigger will be.

 

anxiety · bipolar · depression · Life · Meds

Anxiety

Surprising I got more support for my short story on FB than here. I thought those of us who get it, would understand the story more. Whatever. Nobody reads this shit anyways.

The anxiety between the get together and my mother’s cataract surgery is starting to get to me. I’m literally having to take it day by day. Can’t think beyond today or I’ll get overwhelmed.

I just want to disappear into my house and never come out. Except for food and therapy. There’s a drop in and I want to go. Probably will. But I doubt the Marvin in me will enjoy it.

post-125-1262523505

LIFE DON’T TALK TO ME ABOUT LIFE

 

I should be very happy about my story being published. But I kinda feel like it’s not legit. Like they just needed a story to finish off their publication and threw mine in, mistakes and all.

Two other publications declined it because it wasn’t what they were looking for, “I GUESS NOT!”

No one wants reality anymore. No one wants to read about the mentally ill unless it’s “HAPPY”. There’s nothing fucking happy about existing with this shit.

But we make due. We have happy moments and those are the ones we have to hold onto.

Just shovel us back into the sanitariums and forget us again. You practically are doing that again.

What’s my audience? People. People who want to understand the truth. The reality of mental illness.

Yeah. I guess that makes two people. Me and my friend.

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN MY STORY HERE’S A LINK TO THE ORIGINAL POST.

STORY PUBLISHED.