bipolar · Life

More for me

 

savannah-bird-girl-statue

 

 

Since writing my obsessive post about ‘heart pull’ I’ve been able to refocus on “me.” Went for a wonderful walk yesterday, visited Mom and realized the huge amount of writing I need to get down to and stop bullshitting my time away.

It’s a fine line sometimes with BiPolar. Which is why I come here to get obsessive thoughts both positive and negative out of my head. Once they are written down I am better equipped to deal with them. Reality checks are a must. You have to be able to have that sounding board that says, ‘ok. here are the facts and this is what your mind says.’ If writing it down helps the process, then that’s the way to go if you don’t have a close friend or someone you trust.

I care about this person. I’ll leave it at that.

I’m a work in progress. I figure that’s the case with many people. My mental health comes first. Reality checks. Physical health and taking care of my family. If I don’t take care of myself I can’t care for my Mother.

I’m about to go out for my walk etc. Just wanted to get this out of my mind. The heart still pulls, but it’s not an obsessive one. I’m not an obsessive person. I just love too deeply.

I prefer the concept of two individuals who have found each other and enjoy their company enough to want to be together. I don’t want to lose myself in a man. Or a man to feel he needs to lose himself in me. Love me, love yourself, be yourself and we’ll be fine. Now just to find that.

I like my alone time. That’s something that some have found it hard to accept.

It’s a balancing act for as long as we’re here.

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anxiety · bipolar · empathic · relationships · symptoms

When your heart pulls you

Ever have that feeling that there was a tugging on your soul/being/heart? Whenever you saw this person or heard their voice or saw something they’ve created. It touched you. You felt tied to that person. You had feelings and concern for that person and yet you’ve never met them in real life.

The internet can be deceiving. There are trolls and creepy people out there whose only desire is to satisfy some NEED they may possess. You have to develop some type of radar to stay away from these traps.

I met my best friend on the internet. Somehow we just clicked and it felt like we knew each other whole lives.

I’ve got that feeling for someone. It’s hard to live with because I have to filter everything through my illness. Do reality checks and just stay positive about existing. I’m a work in progress and it’s going well. I can handle things with more confidence than before and my self-image is higher than it’s ever been in my life.

I’m accepting “me.” Trying to live in the moment. Keeping my stability. Taking care of loved ones. These are priorities. This heart pull. These feelings. I don’t know what to do with them. He’s on my mind daily and he doesn’t know who I am.

I’d say it’s a symptom of the BiPolar. It’s never manifested itself in this manner. My body reacts with an increased heartbeat and that feeling of attachment. I believe in soulmates. I also know that I am sick. So I’m confused.

Maybe I need some internet downtime. I don’t know if these feelings will ever go away.

I’m not going to stalk him or do something drastic. My stability is sound, although what I wrote above sounds insane. But I feel him.

Like a group of moody clouds over the ocean. Whatever happens, after I publish this, I’ll be able to tell if it’s symptoms of my illness or some empathic tie to another soul.

Life · mental health

Trying

Positivity is something that is new to me. I have grown up with nothing but negativity in my mind and in my life. No wishes just dreams and reality. When you are poor. You don’t expect the best to come. You don’t expect to win. You hope to make it to the next day.

Our parents begin to feed us negative thoughts at an early age. They may want the best for us which is the step up from where they were, but big dreams are just that. Dreams. So the negative song plays for years in your head and it takes years of therapy until you can finally say “Yes, it could happen.”

Each day I wake up with what I am going to do that day in my head and by completing it, no matter how small. It is a positive thing.

Positive people help keep negativity at bay. Negativity breeds hardship. Positivity creates hope.

DIH

anxiety · bipolar · depression · Life · Poetry

Empty Mornings – A Poem

Waking up

Opening eyes

Dry mouth and sore thighs

The chairs are barren

The table set

The dishes washed

I never leave a mess

No one ever calls

But just in case

The apartment is clean as gallery walls

Silent Sundays

Still Friday nights

Saturday is for television

And Popcorn for one

Things become familiar

Medication routine

Waiting for it all to kick in

So I can function once again.

Searching for the meaning of this emotional state

Popping a pill to quell the anxiety

Eating chocolate to satiate

Not knowing what I want

Not knowing what I need

Just knowing there is emptiness

If it stopped suddenly

I would find it all peculiar

Living so long like this makes living without impossible

And Saturday’s are for television

And Popcorn for one.

DIH – 9/26/18

bipolar · Life · Meds

Doing what you have to do.

 

lead-auditor-responsibilities

 

I’m not a breakfast person. Coffee and maybe a yogurt every now and I am ok. I discovered that to reduce the side effect of some meds I have to eat three healthy meals, get enough sleep and exercise.

It’s hard to motivate yourself to do these things when your mind isn’t on a stable level. There are those whose minds have never been through the things I’ve experienced and they can barely do one of these.

Getting up and out of bed in the morning is seen as a triumph to me. Although I have been running high lately so I’m doing a bit more than the depressive state.

This morning I pretty much forced down some eggs and sausage just to make sure I don’t get dizzy or sick later in the day. I don’t like doing this. I hate it.

I also know that I hate mania and depression even more.

For a few minutes and a cup of coffee, I can prevent any of this. This evens out for me.

You do what you have to do for a chance at stability. Everything in life is a risk. Depends upon the degree you are willing to risk things. I don’t see mental health as a true risk.

It falls into the category of self-care. Like brushing your teeth. One of those things you have to do in order to function without pain or discomfort. Either mentally or physically.

Breakfast is done. No side effect from this one med titration. I guess I’ve done well today.

Breakfast was hard and I refuse to future think my meals.

Moment by moment is the best I can do today.

 

 

 

anxiety · bipolar · Meds

Medication change update and state of mind.

iu

 

Medication changes might cause you to take dorky pictures. I still have trouble smiling. I don’t know why. It’s something I have to examine.

This damn thing has been going on for over THREE months! I’m almost off of Latuda. The titration down has been rough. The only thing that has reduced the side effects has been eating three hearty meals a day. It’s hard because my new med leaves me with no appetite. I end up force feeding myself. Not pleasant.

I don’t eat much during the summer months which complicates the situation.

My mania landed Craig Charles a bunch of T-shirts for his Birthday and an early Christmas gift. LOL! I’m cool with it. He gives me so much with his show and the tweets he answers when he’s not too busy. He doesn’t have to and Craig and his wife have been very kind to me. Sweet people.

I have gained some positives from the experience. A few days of absolute confidence. Something I haven’t felt in over twenty years. I hope to hold onto a piece of that when things finally settle down. I can’t remember when all this started. Mornings are interesting until I’m medicated. Nothing serious. Concentration is hard.

Events like this after over ten years of stability remind me that there is no cure for BiPolar. Just treatments for symptoms. That goes for all mental illnesses. One may think they are fine because the symptoms have gone away. The depression, anxiety etc. It’s always there. Medication may be keeping it at bay or effective therapy or change of living situation. You just don’t know what trigger is down the road which will bring it back. I just hope that it doesn’t happen for all of you.

I am lost at the present moment. I had plans to learn Italian. My lack of concentration puts that on the back burner. Will I be able to write again? Who knows…. Gonna have to wait for the muse to visit.

The screenplay I was planning on writing based on a Manga book has already been done. And it SUCKS! Always has to add some stupid female sex partner. SMH

Entirely missed the megalomanic tendency of the character which drives the story. Pity.

Still might do it for my own pleasure. Just to polish my writing chops in that medium.

There was a dangerous game being played as the adjustment was/is being done. A dangerous side effect Tardive dyskinesia:

  • twitching or uncontrollable movements of your eyes, lips, tongue, face, arms, or legs.

This is the fear I had with Latuda. I was on three meds where this could happen. It scared the shit out of me. I’ve seen it happen to a friend of mine. I was at a distance so he couldn’t see my reaction. It scared me and I wanted to cry. He saw a Neurologist and was able to stop the side effect as well as get off the med.

My pdoc before the one I have now, put me on Dry Vitamin E (dry due to my stomach issues so I would absorb it.) Part of me believes that this helped and I pray it continues.

All I can say is you have to make sure you understand the pills you are popping down your gullet. Read up on them and make it apparent to your pdoc that you are aware of their side effects etc. Don’t go into this blind.

Watch your body for changes and keep in contact with your doctor if something changes. Be aware of your body and your mind. Hard to do. Takes some time to learn. Achievable!

There has to be a level of TRUST. You must trust your pdoc and they must trust you to report changes etc. and to take your meds religiously.

As I settle down and begin paying some bills, I will have to mark this down somewhere so I won’t be caught off guard. Ten years from now I don’t want to repeat this crap. Hell, I’ll be sixty-one!!

 

 

bipolar · Life · mental health · mental illness · Self Image · Stigma

Friends and diagnoses

You may say you care.

You might wish me luck.

You may have the best intents but it just doesn’t show up.

Wish me well, understand.

Just don’t attempt to take me by the hand.

I know my position. I’m well aware of my affliction.

It’s not your position to help me get through my diagnosis.

Did I ask you? Did I beg you?

I was only throwing it out there trying not to persuade you.

Why did you run so fast? Forgetting that I am human.

What can I do from so far away when I’m the only one I’m ruining.

So I’ll keep my mouth shut. Keep it simple and sweet.

We won’t get too deep because the Stigma scares you more than your own contradictions.