You may start off hopeful some days and others will send it crashing down into anger or despair.
I’ve been slipping into this depression for the past few weeks. Each day I could feel my mood going down. Not enjoying my hobbies as much as I use too. Not wanting to leave the house. Sitting and staring at nothing while my mind goes blank. Increased negative thinking. All that good shit.
I set out personally to cut a depressive crash off at the curb and suggest that my psychiatrist increase a med she had cut when I was fully manic. This was a med that they had originally RAISED because of my generalized depression. What the hell does that mean anyway?
I’ve been walking and exercising and eating healthy and distracting and getting out of the house. Using my lightbox. I’ve been a busy productive little mental health bee. Not overdoing things, just doing things for a change.
I have been dealing with BP for over 25 years. I know when I am going into a depressive crash. My Pdoc (psychiatrist) tried to blame it on the weather. It was drizzling.
I said yeah, I know it’s dreary but these feelings have been going on for a long time and getting worse each day. I didn’t want to get out of bed etc. Pdoc’s response again reflected back towards the weather.
I realized I was gonna have to justify and fight for this temporary increase. Pdoc telling me pills are not the answer. I was like DUH! Why the hell do you think I’m doing all this Cognitive Behavioral work?
With BP there are times you have to tweak the meds throughout the year because of your mood swings. It may be temporary and you can lower the med or raise it when the mood swings back towards stability.
Pdoc’s the one with the degree and just didn’t get what I was telling them. So I got adamant and told them that I know my body, I know my mind and I know my moods. I’m heading for a depressive crash. I’ve been there many times in the past and don’t want to go back there again. Much like my skip down mania lane.
Pdoc’s response… Do you want to crash?
GOOD LORD HELP ME!
Hell to the no! Who wants to crash?
We go over the medications I am on and Pdoc has me taking more of this and less of that and still being on one med we discontinued two months ago. I wondered if they had the right file up on the laptop.
Until today, Pdoc has been fine. Got me through some serious crap. I give credit where its due. I understand I am not the only patient. After I correct my Pdoc they type away for a while and then say, “See you next month.” In a flat tone.
I got what I wanted. I had to fight for it. I hate fighting, but it’s my life I’m fighting for; not some ego.
I think the Pdoc was more upset about being WRONG than with my reaction. I was not loud, I was not abusive. I was specific, gave examples and did my homework. In addition to personal experience.
No, a pill doesn’t cure anything when it comes to mental illness. It all about what alleviates your symptoms. The work is the therapy and taking risks and listening to your body when you get that feeling that you’re not yourself. Which is hard. I have changed a lot because of the illness. It’s difficult to figure out who I am sometimes. One thing I’m not is a victim of this illness. Priority one is to stay on top of symptoms and I do my best.
When I got home I had to go for a walk to defuse. Yeah, I got what I wanted. But my Pdoc didn’t trust me enough to believe I knew about what I was talking. She spoke to me like I was stupid, “I’m not stupid.”.
Which insulted my intelligence. One of the very few things BP didn’t take away from me.
When I got in the house I cried. Not only do I have to fight the stigma of others; do I have to fight it with my Pdoc too? We’ve known each other for almost ten years. It really upset me. Another proof that I’m sinking. Oversensitivity.
Normally I would have said ‘as long as I got the increase.’ I took it personally. It’ll take a few days to fully kick in and I’m used to that.
At least I wanted to get out of bed this morning and am making plans on what to do today.
And it’s raining.