bipolar · dating · Life · Meds

Nothing serious.

Where to go with the subject of sex? I won’t delve too deep. With BiPolar it can go one way or the other. Hot or cold or maddening.

I have been hypersexual. That’s when I lock myself inside. Ideas come to mind and safety goes out of the window. Hypersexual for me is when your libido just can’t be satiated. And experimentation takes over.

I’ve been very lucky and mindful when it comes to that phase of BiPolar. When your libido is in control and your heart has very little to do with it. Simply, you can ruin your life or end it.

Medication can make things run so cold you forget you have reproductive organs. And it doesn’t bother you much. Unless you’re married or involved. A lot of people don’t take meds because it can kill your sex life.

There are some which increase the desire and others which keep things the same.

Your mileage may vary.

My new med has awakened me once again. A bit of a dilemma seeing that I’m alone. I manage.

I said I wouldn’t delve too deep. So I’ll end it here. I have issues with sex. I would need someone who understands and can work with me through the phases. Not easy to find.

As I said before, I see myself as a spinster. I won’t resign myself to be with someone simply to say I have someone. I want love, I’ve been through too much in my life to settle for less.

I’m a work in progress. It may have been a late start at least it has started.

 

 

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bipolar · depression · Meds · mental health · mental illness

Et Tu Pdoc?

Notmyday

 
You may start off hopeful some days and others will send it crashing down into anger or despair.

I’ve been slipping into this depression for the past few weeks. Each day I could feel my mood going down. Not enjoying my hobbies as much as I use too. Not wanting to leave the house. Sitting and staring at nothing while my mind goes blank. Increased negative thinking. All that good shit.

I set out personally to cut a depressive crash off at the curb and suggest that my psychiatrist increase a med she had cut when I was fully manic. This was a med that they had originally RAISED because of my generalized depression. What the hell does that mean anyway?

I’ve been walking and exercising and eating healthy and distracting and getting out of the house. Using my lightbox. I’ve been a busy productive little mental health bee. Not overdoing things, just doing things for a change.

I have been dealing with BP for over 25 years. I know when I am going into a depressive crash. My Pdoc (psychiatrist) tried to blame it on the weather. It was drizzling.

I said yeah, I know it’s dreary but these feelings have been going on for a long time and getting worse each day. I didn’t want to get out of bed etc. Pdoc’s response again reflected back towards the weather.

I realized I was gonna have to justify and fight for this temporary increase. Pdoc telling me pills are not the answer. I was like DUH! Why the hell do you think I’m doing all this  Cognitive Behavioral work?

With BP there are times you have to tweak the meds throughout the year because of your mood swings. It may be temporary and you can lower the med or raise it when the mood swings back towards stability.

Pdoc’s the one with the degree and just didn’t get what I was telling them. So I got adamant and told them that I know my body, I know my mind and I know my moods. I’m heading for a depressive crash. I’ve been there many times in the past and don’t want to go back there again. Much like my skip down mania lane.

Pdoc’s response… Do you want to crash?

GOOD LORD HELP ME!

Hell to the no! Who wants to crash?

We go over the medications I am on and Pdoc has me taking more of this and less of that and still being on one med we discontinued two months ago. I wondered if they had the right file up on the laptop.

Until today, Pdoc has been fine. Got me through some serious crap. I give credit where its due. I understand I am not the only patient. After I correct my Pdoc they type away for a while and then say, “See you next month.” In a flat tone.

I got what I wanted. I had to fight for it. I hate fighting, but it’s my life I’m fighting for; not some ego.

I think the Pdoc was more upset about being WRONG than with my reaction. I was not loud, I was not abusive. I was specific, gave examples and did my homework. In addition to personal experience.

No, a pill doesn’t cure anything when it comes to mental illness. It all about what alleviates your symptoms. The work is the therapy and taking risks and listening to your body when you get that feeling that you’re not yourself. Which is hard. I have changed a lot because of the illness. It’s difficult to figure out who I am sometimes. One thing I’m not is a victim of this illness. Priority one is to stay on top of symptoms and I do my best.

When I got home I had to go for a walk to defuse. Yeah, I got what I wanted. But my Pdoc didn’t trust me enough to believe I knew about what I was talking. She spoke to me like I was stupid, “I’m not stupid.”.

Which insulted my intelligence. One of the very few things BP didn’t take away from me.

When I got in the house I cried. Not only do I have to fight the stigma of others; do I have to fight it with my Pdoc too? We’ve known each other for almost ten years. It really upset me. Another proof that I’m sinking. Oversensitivity.

Normally I would have said ‘as long as I got the increase.’ I took it personally. It’ll take a few days to fully kick in and I’m used to that.

At least I wanted to get out of bed this morning and am making plans on what to do today.

And it’s raining.

 

anxiety · bipolar · Meds · mental health · mental illness

The other side of the temporary

 

s-l300

 

**I’ve just realized I’ve been going through this shit since March! It started in November 2017 and peaked in March when Latuda quit on me. Crazy, no?**

I have always respected others decisions to take or not take medication for whatever their diagnoses. I have tried doing without medication for my BiPolar etc. I’m just one of the many who need meds to function in a stable state of mind.

I’m stable and am so thankful every day. I look forward to actually DOING things. I haven’t been like this in years.

I’m more positive without being a Pollyanna. I still have my dark side and morbid sense of humor, sarcastic streak etc. Binging on Penny Dreadful has been so refreshing for me. Something that has EVERYTHING I love about that genre. So well written and acted.

I still love TWD and gonna catch up on FTWD. So much TV, so little time.

I got rid of cable and find myself getting more things done. Kinda. Just finding new things to occupy my time. Pokemon Go might be a new addiction. At least I get to walk more 🙂

Instagram is also something I’m doing. Positive posts about mental health and life. Sometimes concentrating on mental illness can be depressing. I like saying mental health. Yes, it’s an illness that you can’t fix. At least we can treat the symptoms.

I’ve taken some pictures on my phone and some are good. I like nature shots and odd things. Not into portraits or food or thousands of selfies. I still have the self-hatred shit to deal with, but I’m making progress.

Did a lot of walking this morning. So tired. It’s hot. ugh.

Family drama. As usual, but I’m keeping my distance. Dyed my hair. Not the color I wanted. It’s a nice black with blue highlights. Not brave enough for the full purple locs yet. LOL.

Discovered what an incredible photographer Julian Lennon is @julespicturepalace on Instagram. Each photo moves me and inspires me like true art should. This is the way I feel about Van Gogh and Sondheim and Motzart. My soul sways and I’m floating at the beauty. It’s been a long time since something has moved me like that. I love the cloud photos and the water with the blues he plays with and the landscapes. I’m partial to his B&W shots too. I love B&W photography with the shadows and the pure stark reality. Can’t hide in candy colors. I respect that.

I don’t know names of painting or movements in music. But I know what I like. I love his work.

Haven’t been able to truly write for months. With the med changes, I could barely make posts here. I was just starting to learn Italian when it all hit. Have to go back to lesson one. 😦  I’m not giving up though.

Hopefully, that will change. My friend was editing some of my stuff until she had an operation. Have to send a Marco Polo her and see how she’s doing.

Ciao

bipolar · Life · Long term Therapy · Meds · mental health · mental illness

The Journey

NaturesRespite

 

Some days it’s draining. Other days it’s indescribable. All you can do is hope to make it home to your bed and dream it all away.

I can’t believe it’s been over five months since my meds quit on me. Stability was something I had worked to achieve and I’m working towards it again. I’m seventy to seventy-five percent there. Work to be done in the spending department. Still feeling shaky in my hands. This angers me. My pdoc knew she was walking on shaky ground with the two meds I was on and I even warned her of the two prescribed at once.

(Yes, warned. You MUST take a proactive stance in any medical or therapeutic treatment. Know your meds. Know your ailment. Don’t follow blindly.)

She wanted to keep me on the two “shaky” drugs an extra month. I didn’t feel this was good for me because of the shaking and the possibility of a nerve condition as a side effect.

I ended up-titrating myself down earlier. This is my life and my body. Not to be played with by anyone. I felt secure enough that the other med had petered out and the new one was working well. Not recommended practice. It worked out well for me. Always titrate down. Never just quit a medication.

It will take a month to get the old med out of my system after being on it over ten years. I hope the tick goes away. You can’t see it, but I feel it and notice it when I type. This is irritating and keeps me from writing new poetry etc.

One thing mania has contributed to my personality has been confidence. Which I lost years ago. Failed relationships, verbal and mental abuse. I don’t want to go on with the list because I’m not in the mood.

Let’s be honest. All that crap adds to the journey of any person’s life. When you’re BiPolar or have any mental illness,  I feel we are a bit more sensitive to the damage. Things are mixed up after diagnosis and we can’t trust our own thoughts or decisions. This is a scary time. You second guess everything. Is it me? Or is it my illness? You don’t know who “ME” is anymore in the beginning. All you can identify with is the illness. This will separate in time. This is why I say ‘It’s just an aspect.’

Stability is the golden ticket out of there. Something to strive for and is actually obtainable. I use the term “Remission” if you have to use one to describe something that can be triggered by stress, medication or life tragedy. It really never goes away. That’s the reality of my illness. Stability is my remission.

I’m almost there.

Huzzah. Huzzah.

bipolar · Life · Meds

Doing what you have to do.

 

lead-auditor-responsibilities

 

I’m not a breakfast person. Coffee and maybe a yogurt every now and I am ok. I discovered that to reduce the side effect of some meds I have to eat three healthy meals, get enough sleep and exercise.

It’s hard to motivate yourself to do these things when your mind isn’t on a stable level. There are those whose minds have never been through the things I’ve experienced and they can barely do one of these.

Getting up and out of bed in the morning is seen as a triumph to me. Although I have been running high lately so I’m doing a bit more than the depressive state.

This morning I pretty much forced down some eggs and sausage just to make sure I don’t get dizzy or sick later in the day. I don’t like doing this. I hate it.

I also know that I hate mania and depression even more.

For a few minutes and a cup of coffee, I can prevent any of this. This evens out for me.

You do what you have to do for a chance at stability. Everything in life is a risk. Depends upon the degree you are willing to risk things. I don’t see mental health as a true risk.

It falls into the category of self-care. Like brushing your teeth. One of those things you have to do in order to function without pain or discomfort. Either mentally or physically.

Breakfast is done. No side effect from this one med titration. I guess I’ve done well today.

Breakfast was hard and I refuse to future think my meals.

Moment by moment is the best I can do today.

 

 

 

anxiety · bipolar · Meds

Medication change update and state of mind.

iu

 

Medication changes might cause you to take dorky pictures. I still have trouble smiling. I don’t know why. It’s something I have to examine.

This damn thing has been going on for over THREE months! I’m almost off of Latuda. The titration down has been rough. The only thing that has reduced the side effects has been eating three hearty meals a day. It’s hard because my new med leaves me with no appetite. I end up force feeding myself. Not pleasant.

I don’t eat much during the summer months which complicates the situation.

My mania landed Craig Charles a bunch of T-shirts for his Birthday and an early Christmas gift. LOL! I’m cool with it. He gives me so much with his show and the tweets he answers when he’s not too busy. He doesn’t have to and Craig and his wife have been very kind to me. Sweet people.

I have gained some positives from the experience. A few days of absolute confidence. Something I haven’t felt in over twenty years. I hope to hold onto a piece of that when things finally settle down. I can’t remember when all this started. Mornings are interesting until I’m medicated. Nothing serious. Concentration is hard.

Events like this after over ten years of stability remind me that there is no cure for BiPolar. Just treatments for symptoms. That goes for all mental illnesses. One may think they are fine because the symptoms have gone away. The depression, anxiety etc. It’s always there. Medication may be keeping it at bay or effective therapy or change of living situation. You just don’t know what trigger is down the road which will bring it back. I just hope that it doesn’t happen for all of you.

I am lost at the present moment. I had plans to learn Italian. My lack of concentration puts that on the back burner. Will I be able to write again? Who knows…. Gonna have to wait for the muse to visit.

The screenplay I was planning on writing based on a Manga book has already been done. And it SUCKS! Always has to add some stupid female sex partner. SMH

Entirely missed the megalomanic tendency of the character which drives the story. Pity.

Still might do it for my own pleasure. Just to polish my writing chops in that medium.

There was a dangerous game being played as the adjustment was/is being done. A dangerous side effect Tardive dyskinesia:

  • twitching or uncontrollable movements of your eyes, lips, tongue, face, arms, or legs.

This is the fear I had with Latuda. I was on three meds where this could happen. It scared the shit out of me. I’ve seen it happen to a friend of mine. I was at a distance so he couldn’t see my reaction. It scared me and I wanted to cry. He saw a Neurologist and was able to stop the side effect as well as get off the med.

My pdoc before the one I have now, put me on Dry Vitamin E (dry due to my stomach issues so I would absorb it.) Part of me believes that this helped and I pray it continues.

All I can say is you have to make sure you understand the pills you are popping down your gullet. Read up on them and make it apparent to your pdoc that you are aware of their side effects etc. Don’t go into this blind.

Watch your body for changes and keep in contact with your doctor if something changes. Be aware of your body and your mind. Hard to do. Takes some time to learn. Achievable!

There has to be a level of TRUST. You must trust your pdoc and they must trust you to report changes etc. and to take your meds religiously.

As I settle down and begin paying some bills, I will have to mark this down somewhere so I won’t be caught off guard. Ten years from now I don’t want to repeat this crap. Hell, I’ll be sixty-one!!

 

 

anxiety · bipolar · Life · Meds

Mentally Diligent​

I can’t stress the importance of being aware of your mind and your actions when you are BiPolar. I’m not saying you can stop everything, but you can curb yourself from heading into a dark place.

Things were running through my head this morning. I was cycling again. Started yesterday. Crying sometimes. Depressing thoughts other times. Shutting down and wishing I could just make it all stop.

I thought I could last until next week, but I couldn’t. I called and got squeezed in this afternoon and got a bump in my meds.

I avoided a deep depression and a week from hell.

Being Mentally Diligent is hard to learn and takes years of input from your therapist and family and lots of re-thinking your actions. At least it did for me. I am self-aware and it keeps me diligent of my illness and how my meds are working or not working.

Let’s see how this goes. Another adjustment and another appointment next week. I am blessed and lucky. I wouldn’t survive if I didn’t have the help I get from my support system.

People, therapists, psych doctors and the drop-in center. I guess it takes a village.