bipolar · Life · mental health · mental illness · Self Image

We all have our own demons, some are just more carnivorous than others.

How do measure or obtain the worth of existence? In most ways, I’m a fatalist or at least was at one point. I don’t know what to call my thought process now, how I perceive life and trying to make sense of it all.

I use to think that God had a destiny all set out for each of us, and it was up to us (free will) to either reach or not reach that destiny. The destiny wasn’t any great prize or that all of our wishes would come true and life would be a dream. It would just be a life where we were content or happy for most of its course, until death.

Depending upon your decisions or actions, you either miss the mark or make it. But then how would you know if you were on the right path? Do you go by your gut? Do you try to manipulate life?

I’ve tried manipulating life, massive failure. Total disaster. Not recommended.

With BiPolar, I sometimes feel like I’m wasting space for someone more deserving to have lived life. Who had more to offer than I am capable of giving. I can’t work. I have no children. Sometimes I talk to my friend and a few other people, who come to me for advice. Why me? I have not lived.

When I say I have not lived, I mean I have not experienced life to its most fullest extent. Loved, given birth, had a career, traveled etc. Breathed the air and felt the surge of being alive.

That’s living, helping others and being able to participate in all there is out there.

I don’t sit and think about what my limitations are, but I am aware of them. I envy those who can run as an adult. Those who can walk or wake without pain. Those not hunted by some type of demon in their lives or in their minds. But those are fleeting moments.

We all have our own demons. Some are just more carnivorous than others.

Which brings me to my question; why am I still here? I have chosen to fight the good fight and not let this disease get the best of me. I have decided never to take my own life and if I’ve decided to live, I might as well get on with doing the things necessary to be considered ALIVE.

So I go thru the paces of daily existence. The stuff you do without thinking, but are an effort to me sometimes. Bathing, brushing my teeth twice a day, dressing, eating, taking all of my meds, making all of my doctors appointments, leaving the house to do these things, sleeping enough, all the things that should be like breathing, are an effort sometimes.

And then other times, when stability is there and the illness is in remission. They are second nature. Like breathing. So I look for other things to do, like expanding my mind, volunteering etc.

But I fear letting others down when the BiPolar comes back. If I make a commitment to be somewhere and perform a purpose, I want to do my best. It’s not fair for someone to hire me or enlist me and I can’t complete the task.

I took a free online course and passed with distinction. But it was stressful, exhausting and I panicked and had anxiety attacks thru the whole thing. How can I enroll for my Masters when this little course nearly set me back mentally.

I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m just being realistic. I’m not gonna jump on some rainbow and pretend that it’s all cheery just because I’m having good days mentally.

I have to be on guard, always.

So back to self worth. I guess I have no answers for that one after all. I live day by day, sometimes moment by moment. I don’t future think, I live and am trying to stay in present, cause that’s all I can handle comfortably.

This is how I live with my BP. And it works for me. For the moment, we all know everything changes and everything is temporary.

Advertisements
bipolar · depression · Life · mental health · Sjogren's Syndrome · Thoughts

Introspective

I feel so new with this physical illness. You can’t see pain with the naked eye, but you can see it’s effects. Kinda like mental illness. So actually, I should be able to get an understanding on how to live with this shit. Maybe.

With Sjogren’s, like BiPolar, you really never know when an episode is gonna hit, but you can kinda see or know the signs it’s coming.

I’ve got BiPolar’s signals down, for me. I can tell when certain behaviors are leading up to an upswing or a downward spiral. And I will try to head it off with meds or self talk etc. Using my skill set here.

With Sjogren’s, it’s all so new. I have a journal of daily activities. I know if I do too much, I will pay for it later or the next day. But, HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH ?

I slowly push the limits, but I fear a flare up, so I just do nothing. I hate the pain all over my body. My knees, my back, my hips. I’m sore all over and even laying down hurts.

So I take it easy.

Which leaves me without a life; I fear pain, depression, people, myself, loneliness, love. So many things, it’s not like a phobia, but more like a general fear of everything. Without being specific, maybe its paranoia, but I don’t think so. I don’t think anything is out to get me, so maybe it’s anxiety.

I’m just so tired of illness. No matter what the brand. I’ve been sick with something ever since I was born. Wearing leg braces as a toddler, constant bouts with tonsillitis. Depression.

I see myself dying alone and it scares me. The people I love are either growing up or getting older and as the youngest child, I fear being left behind. Sick and alone. No one knowing I’m dead until the stench in my apartment reaches the street. As the unpaid bills pile up in the mailbox and the neighbors begin to ‘wonder’.

Over 20 years of fighting BiPolar has left me tired and alone. I avoided relationships because I didn’t trust my judgement and I felt I would attract someone who would abuse me. The one time I tried, this came true. Not physical abuse, although there were time it came close, but verbal, emotional and mental abuse.

So, proving myself right. I stayed alone. Isolated and trying to get some sanity back.

When I finally got on an even keel, the bottom dropped out again with the thyroid and the Sjogren’s.

Something new to experience. I’m too old for this.

I don’t know if I have the fight of a 20 year old to battle and come out, O.K. anymore.

But something inside of me, keeps me moving forwards. Although I don’t know why or what it is I’m moving towards.

anxiety · bipolar · Cancer · mental health · mental illness

Everybody Limbo…

The more I find out about thyroid cancer and how you have to have surgery in order to discover IF you indeed have cancer, the more it pisses me off. Here is the result of my Biopsy.

IMG_0544

Most of the time it’s a we will wait and see type thing when they find a nodule. This could go on for years. Full of ultra sounds and doctor visits every six months. You know its there, but there is always that ‘if’ factor and things could change in a few years, you could have cancer… or not.

Then there’s the ‘we have to remove the nodule’ aspect. Where sometimes it’s not cancer, but you feel like you have just had an unnecessary operation that has put you on medication FOR LIFE.

I’ve decided to have my entire thyroid removed, because I have nodules on both sides, even though they only tested one side. DUH!

I will be on meds for it for the rest of my life. And if I have cancer, there is another step I have to follow. Another journey of illness. One of many trips I wish I didn’t have to take.

I don’t know if you can truly ‘master’ bipolar. By master i mean, be in synch with yourself and your illness. So that you can handle the ups and downs and not feeling like leaping off of a building every few days.

If the meds are right, and the therapy is right. You can survive BiPolar and at least be able to cope.

This is another ‘BODY BLOW’ and I know it. But my meds keep me from freaking and doing things to hurt myself. I realize this. Maybe it’s just blocking the emotions enough, that I can still be me and not a zombie or totally off balance.

I don’t know. I do have other issues with chronic pain. Just started in November. No one has any answers about that one either. But I will continue to address it and take the meds for that crap. Joint pain in my hips. Swelling knees. Shoulder pain. And the flare ups in both thighs where it feels like hot needles are being jabbed into my thighs, but my thighs also are tingling like they are numb.

JUST STOP. Please, I give. I don’t want to die, but I’ve had enough. I just want to live calmly and quietly and enjoy the small blessing I have received lately.

Cancer. BiPolar. Fibromyalgia???

I don’t know. But I will not be defined by an illness. As I say, it’s just an aspect.

Life

Beep Beep Eddie…

For some reason I thought of Tim Curry as the clown Pennywise in the tv movie “IT” by Stephen King.

Although it has nothing to do with this post.

I’ve been away for some time, I’ve moved. My mother moved, although I’m not very happy about where she is right now. I wanted her to be alone, but she’s still got my relatives with her, but she seems happy. It only is sad when I leave and come back to my apartment.

She had breast cancer and I go by and make meals for her and help her with things. Laundry etc.

To be honest, I’m tired. I’m not depressed or cycling. Just slightly overwhelmed. I’ve been snacking tonight, putting my eating plan over it’s limits.

Deep down, there is a feeling to stay in bed and NOT function. I can feel it creeping up on me. I don’t want company. I don’t want to talk. I just want to lay in bed and sleep. But I can’t. I have to make sure my mom is ok.

But I also need to keep doing. I’ve started WiiFit U and have been doing pretty good for the past week. How long this will last, I don’t know. But I’m not gonna future think. I’m just gonna be in the moment and try to cope.

My eating disorder is at bay. Thanks to Overeaters Anonymous and me moving. I hate counting calories etc. And I just won’t do it anymore. It makes things difficult for me. I don’t want to obsess over food logs etc. But,it does help.

Feeling a bit sad over Craig Charles’ brother dying all of a sudden from a heart attack. He was only 52. I feel bad for him. He’s back on the roller coaster of life and I hope he can hold it together.

There is still so much to do concerning this apartment. Bills, learning how to budget and save. Hoping my meds hold on and I can pull this independence thing off.

Everything has changed, it takes a while to get use too. I miss having easy access to my Mom, she’s my best friend. Everything has changed. Kinda scary.

Self Image · social anxiety · Thoughts

Social Anxiety.. What it does to me..

Here I sit, in my little hermits computer room. Geeking out on Caffeine. Oh well. That’s my mornings. I like them quiet, some music and to myself. The rest of the day is family and dog. Which is ok at times, but not constantly.

I don’t go out much. Unless it’s a ‘responsibility’ I have to take care of, like rent, walking the dog, shopping for necessities, stuff like that. I’m not a casual outing type of person. I find it all too stressful.

The purpose of communication is to get something from the person you are communicating with, even if it’s just acknowledgement. A simple hi to some is a loaded experience for someone like me. You want me to say hi back, and from that, you get a good feeling. What if I don’t feel like acknowledging you? What if my anxieties are high and I’m afraid it will lead to a conversation I don’t want to have?

Realize, the negatives are all on ‘MY’ side. It’s my perception and has nothing to do with the other person. It’s something “I” have to deal with and learn to process. Some ‘hi’s’ are indeed innocent. Just being polite and aren’t loaded with expectation.

More on this later… Hard to concentrate.

Menopause · mental illness · Thoughts

Fears…

Before my illness took form. My biggest fear was of dieing. I didn’t want things to end. I didn’t want to miss out on new movies and music in the future. There were things I wanted to still do.

Once depression and BiPolar hit; death seemed welcoming. I mean, who wants to live like this? No joy, no hope and a mind that’s gone. It took me years of therapy, to not see death as a solution. Good meds + good therapist = some form of stability.

I’ve been described as a boat on the sea. One wave will tip me one way and almost make me sink. A very delicate balance. That about sums it up for my mental state.

My fear is no longer death. It’s losing what little sanity I have left. When I first started therapy, I was in a group of women who were all going thru menopause. I was in my late 20’s. Interesting mix.

I had an aunt who went thru menopause and ended up inpatient… for life. But that was waaaaay back then, she really would be a great great aunt or something. I sometimes think that my fate is commitment.

Part of me welcomes the security and safety of being institutionalized. Then I realize, I can’t just walk out when I want too. I was in a rehab hospital for my knee surgeries. I enjoyed it. I liked the low expectation of the people around you. The reduced stress and predictability. I felt safe.. I guess that’s the key, safe.

I watch the news and think, ‘see that’s why I don’t go out’. Sometimes I think there is no safe situation. It’s a state of mind, not an actual existence.

I’m afraid I will go thru menopause and lose all I have worked so damn hard to achieve. This state of stability, no matter how momentary, my independence and my creative mind.

There’s also the fear of my mother dieing and me following suit by killing myself. I don’t know what I’ll do when the time comes. And it scares me.

bipolar · symptoms · Thoughts

Strange dreams, fear and panic

Weirdest dreams last night. Everyone in my family was in it, even those who have past. Nothing spectacular happened, but it was strange cause I had a little baby girl and she was mine. But she kept moving and twisting and I could barely hold onto her.

When I was around 24, I decided not to have children. Because I feared the child would be bipolar and I wouldn’t want to put another human being thru what I was experiencing. Now that I’m 45, there are some regrets. I would love to have a child. But I know the first trimester without the meds I’m on now is something I know I could not do. So the fact that in the dream I had a child I couldn’t ‘handle’. Was a bit creepy.

I’ve been fighting all types of fears. For the first time, I’m afraid to get my teeth cleaned. Not that I’m having any problems, it’s just that I have a lot of dental work to do which I had to put off for a year. Due to the knee replacements. Not looking forwards to that whole experience again. Back and forth, needles in the mouth, ugh.

Also feeling slightly overwhelmed and panicky. Even with the med increase. So many doctor appointments this month. A lot of traveling. Not looking forwards to doing anything. February will be a huge decider in my future. I might have to have more surgery, but I’m won’t know until probably March. This weighs on my mind. Don’t know what to do about that situation. Don’t know what to do about anything right about now.