How do measure or obtain the worth of existence? In most ways, I’m a fatalist or at least was at one point. I don’t know what to call my thought process now, how I perceive life and trying to make sense of it all.
I use to think that God had a destiny all set out for each of us, and it was up to us (free will) to either reach or not reach that destiny. The destiny wasn’t any great prize or that all of our wishes would come true and life would be a dream. It would just be a life where we were content or happy for most of its course, until death.
Depending upon your decisions or actions, you either miss the mark or make it. But then how would you know if you were on the right path? Do you go by your gut? Do you try to manipulate life?
I’ve tried manipulating life, massive failure. Total disaster. Not recommended.
With BiPolar, I sometimes feel like I’m wasting space for someone more deserving to have lived life. Who had more to offer than I am capable of giving. I can’t work. I have no children. Sometimes I talk to my friend and a few other people, who come to me for advice. Why me? I have not lived.
When I say I have not lived, I mean I have not experienced life to its most fullest extent. Loved, given birth, had a career, traveled etc. Breathed the air and felt the surge of being alive.
That’s living, helping others and being able to participate in all there is out there.
I don’t sit and think about what my limitations are, but I am aware of them. I envy those who can run as an adult. Those who can walk or wake without pain. Those not hunted by some type of demon in their lives or in their minds. But those are fleeting moments.
We all have our own demons. Some are just more carnivorous than others.
Which brings me to my question; why am I still here? I have chosen to fight the good fight and not let this disease get the best of me. I have decided never to take my own life and if I’ve decided to live, I might as well get on with doing the things necessary to be considered ALIVE.
So I go thru the paces of daily existence. The stuff you do without thinking, but are an effort to me sometimes. Bathing, brushing my teeth twice a day, dressing, eating, taking all of my meds, making all of my doctors appointments, leaving the house to do these things, sleeping enough, all the things that should be like breathing, are an effort sometimes.
And then other times, when stability is there and the illness is in remission. They are second nature. Like breathing. So I look for other things to do, like expanding my mind, volunteering etc.
But I fear letting others down when the BiPolar comes back. If I make a commitment to be somewhere and perform a purpose, I want to do my best. It’s not fair for someone to hire me or enlist me and I can’t complete the task.
I took a free online course and passed with distinction. But it was stressful, exhausting and I panicked and had anxiety attacks thru the whole thing. How can I enroll for my Masters when this little course nearly set me back mentally.
I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m just being realistic. I’m not gonna jump on some rainbow and pretend that it’s all cheery just because I’m having good days mentally.
I have to be on guard, always.
So back to self worth. I guess I have no answers for that one after all. I live day by day, sometimes moment by moment. I don’t future think, I live and am trying to stay in present, cause that’s all I can handle comfortably.
This is how I live with my BP. And it works for me. For the moment, we all know everything changes and everything is temporary.