Let me figure it out…

Walked as usual. Didn’t stretch before walk like an idiot and hurt my calf. So I stretched when I got home. Almost back to normal.

Went for a slow walk, but it was too cold and I was underdressed.

Got some food. Always a plus

Feeling good. Turn the corner and…



How the hell do you process this? Is it a sign? Or simply some poor dead bird. Circle of life type thing.

This summer a hummingbird flew right in front of me and let me take pictures of him as he fed.



The bird doesn’t mean death literally. Just metaphysically. The hummingbird means good things for me.

So why am I depressed? Fucking TurkeyDay.

I cooked the turkey. Cooked another one and now I have to do it again. I just want to be alone right now with some peace and quiet so I can write.

NOPE. Neighbors home with a toddler.

I’m going to take something, drink some sleepytime, plug up my ears and call it a day.

Nothing accomplished. I’ll try another poem. I want to work on the short story, but I need complete silence for that.

This is gonna have to do for today. Sorry. The pictures are mine.



What does today bring me?

(free thoughts)

Took a miserable nap

It didn’t

do much good

Spent a miserable hour

eating chips and drinking tea

Such turmoil and hatred

flung like nets set to catch something desired

muck covered and ragged

I watch this day become a mishappen whore

Despite it’s appearance

It is still desired


Forget the past events

the turmoil and anger

The words flung and volcanos erupting

Everyone feels they have the right to voice their opinion

In a free country it’s everyday

Just not at the expence of others

Do no harm

It’s been a rats nest of death, hatred, barbed words and filth

Clean it up!

DIH 11/12/2018

Blue Days


abstract art background bokeh

Photo by Nguyen Nguyen on Pexels.com


The rain doesn’t bother me.

I love its rhythm

the tapping on my air conditioner lulls me to sleep

I love the rain

It washes away the memories of failed love.

of attempted passes at attractive men.

I love the rain

It clears the streets and makes mud to track on my floor

Which I never clean.

I’ve sat here for hours

listening to the rain and hoping

for it to wash me away

In hopes that something

new will rise with the sun.

Problem is the rain has stopped

it’s pitch black and the middle of the night.

And there is no sun in sight.

DIH 11/09/18

Negative Thoughts

I realize that for me the best way to get something out of your thoughts is to write. It doesn’t have to make sense at the time. It doesn’t have to be grammatically perfect. You just need to put pen to paper and stop it from repeating in your skull.

Negative thoughts are the most damaging. I’ve grown up expecting the worst because the ‘best’ never seemed to happen. I am trying to shake this process. Remembering that what comes will come. That what is simply is and I have no control over it.

Taking it moment by moment again. Beginning from November of last year the present day has been hellish. October is particularly rough.

I still don’t know why I struggle during this month. It’s been that way for a long time. Dipping into my toolbox and using everything I can to survive these next few months. The lightbox, CBD, therapy, meds and my friend.

I tend to get very lonely around the holidays. Most of us do. My mother is still with me. But I will be missing my brother immensely. So much death surrounding my family. Sickness and bad luck. I used to think we were cursed.

I don’t know what to think anymore. I pray for the peace of mind and body and peace within my soul. I will do what I need to do in order to remain in a positive ‘healthy’ state. Limiting somethings and erasing others altogether.

I accept who I am and have the wisdom to know the difference. Reality checks help with the latter.

Temple of Alanis

Not As We

by Alanis Morissette / Guy Sigsworth

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour
Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I’m barely making sense
For now,  I’m faking it
Till I’m pseudo making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as I and not as we
Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand
Feign brave with steel intent
Little and hardly here
Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I’m barely making sense
For now, I’m faking it
Till I’m pseudo making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as I and not as we
Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God’s taking bets
I pray He wants to lose
Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I’m barely making sense
For now, I’m faking it
Till I’m pseudo making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as I and not as we
Songwriters: Alanis Morissette / Guy Sigsworth
Not as We lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group


I’ve been playing this over and over..See the post before this one to understand. I better go to bed.


Lesson One

Just like the song that speaks of ‘false confidence.’ I fell into it last night. Like an idiot, I missed my night meds and am up crying and listening to Patsy Cline. My go-to for depression.

It wasn’t until I FINALLY pulled myself out of bed that I realized last nights meds waving at me. Doh!

So many of us hiding behind masks. So many of us who couldn’t function without meds for whatever the reason. Migraines, depression, Insomnia, Anxiety, blah blah blah.

I am not in a good place. I’m safe but feeling rather shitty towards people in general. So I’ll stay off Social Media. Stay indoors etc. Which is cool cause it’s getting cold here. Canceled everything and put on my wireless headphones and am currently worshipping at the Alanis Morrissette Temple. That’s what the playlist is called.

The first song played is the one my ex-best friend and I shared. Tears, anger, self-hatred. That was me, not the song. I’m good with low-self-esteem and self-hatred. Majored in them both at the same time. Aced them both. Thanks for that mind fuck Dad. All mental abuse folks. What gets me is that they are ‘supposedly’ unaware of the damage they do to you and how it lingers. Whoever ‘they’ are in your life.

Every time you feel like you’ve got the hold of it and you can move forward with your life.  Stress or life will screw you over and you’re on the bottom step again. Finnegan Begin-again.

Faking it until I’m making it today. I’m not manic. Just depressed, I’m used to that so I can handle this shit. Pseudo-making it? Is that a word?

It’s cold in here now so I’ll wrap this up. Take your vitamins kiddies and eat your Wheaties. In other words, don’t miss a mother fucking dose of meds if you can help it. It’ll come back to bite your ass off and make you type lots of curse words.

Et Tu Pdoc?


You may start off hopeful some days and others will send it crashing down into anger or despair.

I’ve been slipping into this depression for the past few weeks. Each day I could feel my mood going down. Not enjoying my hobbies as much as I use too. Not wanting to leave the house. Sitting and staring at nothing while my mind goes blank. Increased negative thinking. All that good shit.

I set out personally to cut a depressive crash off at the curb and suggest that my psychiatrist increase a med she had cut when I was fully manic. This was a med that they had originally RAISED because of my generalized depression. What the hell does that mean anyway?

I’ve been walking and exercising and eating healthy and distracting and getting out of the house. Using my lightbox. I’ve been a busy productive little mental health bee. Not overdoing things, just doing things for a change.

I have been dealing with BP for over 25 years. I know when I am going into a depressive crash. My Pdoc (psychiatrist) tried to blame it on the weather. It was drizzling.

I said yeah, I know it’s dreary but these feelings have been going on for a long time and getting worse each day. I didn’t want to get out of bed etc. Pdoc’s response again reflected back towards the weather.

I realized I was gonna have to justify and fight for this temporary increase. Pdoc telling me pills are not the answer. I was like DUH! Why the hell do you think I’m doing all this  Cognitive Behavioral work?

With BP there are times you have to tweak the meds throughout the year because of your mood swings. It may be temporary and you can lower the med or raise it when the mood swings back towards stability.

Pdoc’s the one with the degree and just didn’t get what I was telling them. So I got adamant and told them that I know my body, I know my mind and I know my moods. I’m heading for a depressive crash. I’ve been there many times in the past and don’t want to go back there again. Much like my skip down mania lane.

Pdoc’s response… Do you want to crash?


Hell to the no! Who wants to crash?

We go over the medications I am on and Pdoc has me taking more of this and less of that and still being on one med we discontinued two months ago. I wondered if they had the right file up on the laptop.

Until today, Pdoc has been fine. Got me through some serious crap. I give credit where its due. I understand I am not the only patient. After I correct my Pdoc they type away for a while and then say, “See you next month.” In a flat tone.

I got what I wanted. I had to fight for it. I hate fighting, but it’s my life I’m fighting for; not some ego.

I think the Pdoc was more upset about being WRONG than with my reaction. I was not loud, I was not abusive. I was specific, gave examples and did my homework. In addition to personal experience.

No, a pill doesn’t cure anything when it comes to mental illness. It all about what alleviates your symptoms. The work is the therapy and taking risks and listening to your body when you get that feeling that you’re not yourself. Which is hard. I have changed a lot because of the illness. It’s difficult to figure out who I am sometimes. One thing I’m not is a victim of this illness. Priority one is to stay on top of symptoms and I do my best.

When I got home I had to go for a walk to defuse. Yeah, I got what I wanted. But my Pdoc didn’t trust me enough to believe I knew about what I was talking. She spoke to me like I was stupid, “I’m not stupid.”.

Which insulted my intelligence. One of the very few things BP didn’t take away from me.

When I got in the house I cried. Not only do I have to fight the stigma of others; do I have to fight it with my Pdoc too? We’ve known each other for almost ten years. It really upset me. Another proof that I’m sinking. Oversensitivity.

Normally I would have said ‘as long as I got the increase.’ I took it personally. It’ll take a few days to fully kick in and I’m used to that.

At least I wanted to get out of bed this morning and am making plans on what to do today.

And it’s raining.