Dialogue

There was silence.

In all its bitter rage.

Deep beneath the slight pounding of a pulse.

A whisper.

Delicate without pattern.

There is one word, and then another.

Each with singular meaning, and identical result.

The whisper grows to a sound.

The sound becomes a word.

One which threatens.

Promises and battles within my hands grasp.

Monologues, which play like a skipped record.

Surrounding my actions.

A whispering pulse begins to quicken.

My clutch tightens.

Beginning so silently.

The swirling roar of a blood flow pounds in my ears.

A hand steadies and slides quick.

Releasing a whisper.

DIH 03/05/19

Advertisements

Let me figure it out…

Walked as usual. Didn’t stretch before walk like an idiot and hurt my calf. So I stretched when I got home. Almost back to normal.

Went for a slow walk, but it was too cold and I was underdressed.

Got some food. Always a plus

Feeling good. Turn the corner and…

Distressing

 

How the hell do you process this? Is it a sign? Or simply some poor dead bird. Circle of life type thing.

This summer a hummingbird flew right in front of me and let me take pictures of him as he fed.

hummingbird

 

The bird doesn’t mean death literally. Just metaphysically. The hummingbird means good things for me.

So why am I depressed? Fucking TurkeyDay.

I cooked the turkey. Cooked another one and now I have to do it again. I just want to be alone right now with some peace and quiet so I can write.

NOPE. Neighbors home with a toddler.

I’m going to take something, drink some sleepytime, plug up my ears and call it a day.

Nothing accomplished. I’ll try another poem. I want to work on the short story, but I need complete silence for that.

This is gonna have to do for today. Sorry. The pictures are mine.

 

What does today bring me?

(free thoughts)

Took a miserable nap

It didn’t

do much good

Spent a miserable hour

eating chips and drinking tea

Such turmoil and hatred

flung like nets set to catch something desired

muck covered and ragged

I watch this day become a mishappen whore

Despite it’s appearance

It is still desired

SUN GO DOWN

Forget the past events

the turmoil and anger

The words flung and volcanos erupting

Everyone feels they have the right to voice their opinion

In a free country it’s everyday

Just not at the expence of others

Do no harm

It’s been a rats nest of death, hatred, barbed words and filth

Clean it up!

DIH 11/12/2018

Blue Days

 

abstract art background bokeh

Photo by Nguyen Nguyen on Pexels.com

 

The rain doesn’t bother me.

I love its rhythm

the tapping on my air conditioner lulls me to sleep

I love the rain

It washes away the memories of failed love.

of attempted passes at attractive men.

I love the rain

It clears the streets and makes mud to track on my floor

Which I never clean.

I’ve sat here for hours

listening to the rain and hoping

for it to wash me away

In hopes that something

new will rise with the sun.

Problem is the rain has stopped

it’s pitch black and the middle of the night.

And there is no sun in sight.

DIH 11/09/18

Negative Thoughts

I realize that for me the best way to get something out of your thoughts is to write. It doesn’t have to make sense at the time. It doesn’t have to be grammatically perfect. You just need to put pen to paper and stop it from repeating in your skull.

Negative thoughts are the most damaging. I’ve grown up expecting the worst because the ‘best’ never seemed to happen. I am trying to shake this process. Remembering that what comes will come. That what is simply is and I have no control over it.

Taking it moment by moment again. Beginning from November of last year the present day has been hellish. October is particularly rough.

I still don’t know why I struggle during this month. It’s been that way for a long time. Dipping into my toolbox and using everything I can to survive these next few months. The lightbox, CBD, therapy, meds and my friend.

I tend to get very lonely around the holidays. Most of us do. My mother is still with me. But I will be missing my brother immensely. So much death surrounding my family. Sickness and bad luck. I used to think we were cursed.

I don’t know what to think anymore. I pray for the peace of mind and body and peace within my soul. I will do what I need to do in order to remain in a positive ‘healthy’ state. Limiting somethings and erasing others altogether.

I accept who I am and have the wisdom to know the difference. Reality checks help with the latter.

Temple of Alanis

Not As We

by Alanis Morissette / Guy Sigsworth

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour
Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I’m barely making sense
For now,  I’m faking it
Till I’m pseudo making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as I and not as we
Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand
Feign brave with steel intent
Little and hardly here
Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I’m barely making sense
For now, I’m faking it
Till I’m pseudo making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as I and not as we
Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God’s taking bets
I pray He wants to lose
Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I’m barely making sense
For now, I’m faking it
Till I’m pseudo making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as I and not as we
Songwriters: Alanis Morissette / Guy Sigsworth
Not as We lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

 

I’ve been playing this over and over..See the post before this one to understand. I better go to bed.

 

Lesson One

Just like the song that speaks of ‘false confidence.’ I fell into it last night. Like an idiot, I missed my night meds and am up crying and listening to Patsy Cline. My go-to for depression.

It wasn’t until I FINALLY pulled myself out of bed that I realized last nights meds waving at me. Doh!

So many of us hiding behind masks. So many of us who couldn’t function without meds for whatever the reason. Migraines, depression, Insomnia, Anxiety, blah blah blah.

I am not in a good place. I’m safe but feeling rather shitty towards people in general. So I’ll stay off Social Media. Stay indoors etc. Which is cool cause it’s getting cold here. Canceled everything and put on my wireless headphones and am currently worshipping at the Alanis Morrissette Temple. That’s what the playlist is called.

The first song played is the one my ex-best friend and I shared. Tears, anger, self-hatred. That was me, not the song. I’m good with low-self-esteem and self-hatred. Majored in them both at the same time. Aced them both. Thanks for that mind fuck Dad. All mental abuse folks. What gets me is that they are ‘supposedly’ unaware of the damage they do to you and how it lingers. Whoever ‘they’ are in your life.

Every time you feel like you’ve got the hold of it and you can move forward with your life.  Stress or life will screw you over and you’re on the bottom step again. Finnegan Begin-again.

Faking it until I’m making it today. I’m not manic. Just depressed, I’m used to that so I can handle this shit. Pseudo-making it? Is that a word?

It’s cold in here now so I’ll wrap this up. Take your vitamins kiddies and eat your Wheaties. In other words, don’t miss a mother fucking dose of meds if you can help it. It’ll come back to bite your ass off and make you type lots of curse words.