bipolar · Life

More for me

 

savannah-bird-girl-statue

 

 

Since writing my obsessive post about ‘heart pull’ I’ve been able to refocus on “me.” Went for a wonderful walk yesterday, visited Mom and realized the huge amount of writing I need to get down to and stop bullshitting my time away.

It’s a fine line sometimes with BiPolar. Which is why I come here to get obsessive thoughts both positive and negative out of my head. Once they are written down I am better equipped to deal with them. Reality checks are a must. You have to be able to have that sounding board that says, ‘ok. here are the facts and this is what your mind says.’ If writing it down helps the process, then that’s the way to go if you don’t have a close friend or someone you trust.

I care about this person. I’ll leave it at that.

I’m a work in progress. I figure that’s the case with many people. My mental health comes first. Reality checks. Physical health and taking care of my family. If I don’t take care of myself I can’t care for my Mother.

I’m about to go out for my walk etc. Just wanted to get this out of my mind. The heart still pulls, but it’s not an obsessive one. I’m not an obsessive person. I just love too deeply.

I prefer the concept of two individuals who have found each other and enjoy their company enough to want to be together. I don’t want to lose myself in a man. Or a man to feel he needs to lose himself in me. Love me, love yourself, be yourself and we’ll be fine. Now just to find that.

I like my alone time. That’s something that some have found it hard to accept.

It’s a balancing act for as long as we’re here.

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mental health · mental illness · Poetry · Self Image

Dented Can

You’ll keep walking

Not good enough

I’ve been there

Standing in line

hands in my pockets

Head held down

eyes closed

Because I know

I will be passed by.

 

Not pretty enough

She’s very, very pretty

You love your adjectives.

 

It doesn’t matter

I know I’m damaged goods

I’ve been standing here for a long time.

I know the routine

Pretty face

Not my type.

 

Damaged

Crazy

Mentally Ill

Alone

 

What makes you perfect?

flawless blue-eyed being.

Blue eyes are a mutation.

Did you know that flawless man?

 

My eyes are brown

Large fawn-eyed brown

I’m normal

Damaged, but normally so.

 

DIH

10/25/18

depression · lyrics and music · Meds

Temple of Alanis

Not As We

by Alanis Morissette / Guy Sigsworth

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour
Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I’m barely making sense
For now,  I’m faking it
Till I’m pseudo making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as I and not as we
Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand
Feign brave with steel intent
Little and hardly here
Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I’m barely making sense
For now, I’m faking it
Till I’m pseudo making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as I and not as we
Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God’s taking bets
I pray He wants to lose
Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I’m barely making sense
For now, I’m faking it
Till I’m pseudo making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as I and not as we
Songwriters: Alanis Morissette / Guy Sigsworth
Not as We lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

 

I’ve been playing this over and over..See the post before this one to understand. I better go to bed.

 

anxiety · depression · Meds · mental health · mental illness

Lesson One

Just like the song that speaks of ‘false confidence.’ I fell into it last night. Like an idiot, I missed my night meds and am up crying and listening to Patsy Cline. My go-to for depression.

It wasn’t until I FINALLY pulled myself out of bed that I realized last nights meds waving at me. Doh!

So many of us hiding behind masks. So many of us who couldn’t function without meds for whatever the reason. Migraines, depression, Insomnia, Anxiety, blah blah blah.

I am not in a good place. I’m safe but feeling rather shitty towards people in general. So I’ll stay off Social Media. Stay indoors etc. Which is cool cause it’s getting cold here. Canceled everything and put on my wireless headphones and am currently worshipping at the Alanis Morrissette Temple. That’s what the playlist is called.

The first song played is the one my ex-best friend and I shared. Tears, anger, self-hatred. That was me, not the song. I’m good with low-self-esteem and self-hatred. Majored in them both at the same time. Aced them both. Thanks for that mind fuck Dad. All mental abuse folks. What gets me is that they are ‘supposedly’ unaware of the damage they do to you and how it lingers. Whoever ‘they’ are in your life.

Every time you feel like you’ve got the hold of it and you can move forward with your life.  Stress or life will screw you over and you’re on the bottom step again. Finnegan Begin-again.

Faking it until I’m making it today. I’m not manic. Just depressed, I’m used to that so I can handle this shit. Pseudo-making it? Is that a word?

It’s cold in here now so I’ll wrap this up. Take your vitamins kiddies and eat your Wheaties. In other words, don’t miss a mother fucking dose of meds if you can help it. It’ll come back to bite your ass off and make you type lots of curse words.

bipolar · dating · Life · Meds

Nothing serious.

Where to go with the subject of sex? I won’t delve too deep. With BiPolar it can go one way or the other. Hot or cold or maddening.

I have been hypersexual. That’s when I lock myself inside. Ideas come to mind and safety goes out of the window. Hypersexual for me is when your libido just can’t be satiated. And experimentation takes over.

I’ve been very lucky and mindful when it comes to that phase of BiPolar. When your libido is in control and your heart has very little to do with it. Simply, you can ruin your life or end it.

Medication can make things run so cold you forget you have reproductive organs. And it doesn’t bother you much. Unless you’re married or involved. A lot of people don’t take meds because it can kill your sex life.

There are some which increase the desire and others which keep things the same.

Your mileage may vary.

My new med has awakened me once again. A bit of a dilemma seeing that I’m alone. I manage.

I said I wouldn’t delve too deep. So I’ll end it here. I have issues with sex. I would need someone who understands and can work with me through the phases. Not easy to find.

As I said before, I see myself as a spinster. I won’t resign myself to be with someone simply to say I have someone. I want love, I’ve been through too much in my life to settle for less.

I’m a work in progress. It may have been a late start at least it has started.

 

 

bipolar · depression

Struggling with Depression

Depression has a strange weight to it. You can feel it holding you down. You drag it behind you like a weighted shadow.

The light box helps. The walks help. There are feelings of underlying sadness and dread which you can’t pinpoint. There are family health issues which are beyond my control. It doesn’t keep you from worrying despite the fact.

Little things used to keep me happy or entertained. Days just seem to fly by with nothing being accomplished.

Depression is here. The nature of the beast (bipolar). Up and down. I’m just grateful that things aren’t as bad as they used to be. I need a day of nothing. Sleep. Reading and more sleep.

Distractions help. For a while. This post is going nowhere and it is hard to write because my thinking isn’t clear.

The depression will be gone soon. Meanwhile…

bipolar · depression · Life · Meds · mental health · mental illness

Me and my lightbox.

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I’m finding that I’m slowly slipping into a depression. I’m walking and trying to distract myself but it’s getting harder.

The mania is gone. Blessing. I no longer have WWF above my head, but now I have Romper Room. With the yelling, shrilling screaming and banging stuff on the floor. Running through the house at 10pm from room to room.

Sometimes I wonder why things are so difficult are I feel like they are approaching a level of difficulty I won’t be able to handle.

I’ve been using light therapy and it has been helping. I need it at least twice a day now. This didn’t happen this early last year. Everything has changed and with my current state of mind; it’s hard to keep the negative thoughts away.

The desire to write is slowly coming back. I just need some peace and quiet. Gonna try headphones.

Want to try learning Italian again now that I’m finished with reading ALL of the Manga Bleach. Major accomplishment. Kudos to me. 🙂

I wake up with fleeting thoughts about self-harm and I dismiss them, which is good. Guess it’s just gonna be a winter of this SHIT above my head and in my head.

Not in a good place. Hopefully, the lamp can improve the way I’m feeling.

I’m on Instagram. Basically, post positive things or things about mental health. Started taking photos of stuff I like and posting them. Flowers, trees other crap.

Most pleasure comes from looking at other peoples posts of places I’ll never see in person. (Negative thinking, I know.)

I shall call him Chucky because he pisses on the floor, bites and hits and stomps through the apartment above my head where you can hear everything. EVERYTHING. Chucky has blocks which he throws at the floor.

Isn’t life beautiful?