bipolar · depression · Meds

Waking up

To wake up crying for no other reason than I’m awake. I’m depressed and know it’s probably the rain or the fact that I missed doses yesterday. So I am in pain. But I can’t do anything about it until I take the morning dose on empty stomach a half hour before my other meds.

So, I’ve been busying myself with cooking and making playlists. I got up at 2am crying, wishing I was dead. Not wanting to be in this world anymore.

I’ve been here before. There is no reason beyond the fact that it is the nature of the beast. No event, no word uttered or knee pain. I’m on a downswing of depression and I’ve got to ride it out. Meds will help, talking with my mother will help. This, the writing, will help.

Hopefully it won’t last long.

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anxiety · bipolar · Book · depression · Life · Meds

And the Answer is: Anxiety

I’ll take “REASONS TO STAY IN BED ALL DAY ” for $1,000.

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There are times I wonder if my days are nothing more than a wheel of ‘mis’fortune. Not to say its all bad. I might win a contest for some small thing, or get to spend some time with my mother and utterly enjoy the whole day. Or get to sleep without shuttering from my mind wanting to get up, but my body not being able too.

All types of crap happen. And when you have more than one diagnoses, you don’t know what to pick. Is today a BiPolar day, depression episode or anxiety attack.

My anxiety has been on high. I worry about my mom and I have a morbid obsession with how I will react or live once she passes.

Will I lose my mind? What will I do when I need someone to turn to and no one is there. There’s this fear about being alone, since there is no one presently in my life.

I wake up, go thru my daily routine. We talk and then; the rest of my day goes by until I call her before bed. This gives me reassurance that someone cares.

My mother is my rock. And there are times I am hers, and I like that.

My anxiety levels go pretty high and without the xanax and occasional other med, I would be inoperable. I feel it build and build and I want to eat everything in the house and I pace and I shake and it’s one major mess.

That’s where I’ve been lately. Except the day I shut down.

There I was, sitting in the waiting room for my therapist and my mood hit rock bottom. I could just stare and barely talk. My therapist is so good, she helped bring me around, able to make eye contact and sentences.

Things have been strange. I’m still able to put in an hour a week to development of the book. So, I guess it’s not a complete loss.

There was a writing course offered, but I’m broke. Only $400 and it would teach you how to develop characters, plot etc.. ¬†Coursera is an incredible site. I’m just too poor. Oh well.

Will share again, when I am able.

Meds

‘Tis Holiday Seasonal Disorder Time

Here come the Dark Days for me. I know they are there. The under lying depression; the monetary stress and the forced joy.

I’ve got stressors, you’ve got stressors, all God’s children got STRESSORS.

So I wrote a poem about it.

‘Tis Holiday Seasonal Disorder Time

The sun sets sooner

The feelings dredge deeper

The scars resurface and the pain twinges in my head

These are the months of forced happiness and joy

Of family and money and abundance

For those who have it

Serving only as a reminder

a staple in my foreskin

That I have none of these.

Happiness, family or joy

My echoing dwelling

reminds me I am alone

each sound resonates its hallow presence.

Time for forced smiles or selfies

Gifts wrapped in debt and

Tables overflowing with meals slaved over in hot kitchens

For stressful family gatherings of suppressed anger.

Snow falls and we smile

Childhood memories of snowmen glint in our eyes.

While shovels full of the stuff

Pull our back muscles to spasms of pain.

Gee, this poems a downer

Where is the Joy of the Season?

Where is baby Jesus?

Where is my Xanax?

The Dark Days approach

And the sun sets sooner

And the food is abundant

And gluttony is king.

10/25/15

DIH

anxiety · bipolar · depression · lyrics and music · Meds

Tough few days – Thank God for Alanis Morissette and OUT IS THROUGH

Struggling with the new dosage of my thyroid med. My doctor says my symptoms are backwards. I should have felt this way when I first started the med, not 4 months later. So he just thinks its the BiPolar…

NOT!

But I didn’t argue, there was enough of that going on in my head. Confusion, depression, rapid mood changes, crying, anxiety and just plain mental pain.

Its like starting this crap all over again. But I’ve decided to fight thru another week and see if this goes away.

Thus this song and post.

“Out Is Through”

Every time you raise your voice
I see the greener grass
Every time you run for cover
I see this pasture
Every time we’re in a funk
I picture a different choice
Every time we’re in a rut
This distant grandeur

My tendency to want to do away feels natural and
My urgency to dream of softer places feels understandable

The only way out is through
The faster we’re in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we’ll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

Every time I’m confused
I think there must be easier ways
Every time our horns are locked I’m towel throwing
Every time we’re at a loss, we’ve bolted from difficulty
Anytime we’re in stalemate of final bowing

My tendency to want to hide away feels easier and
The immediacy is picturing another place comforting to go

The only way out is through
The faster we’re in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we’ll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

We could just walk away and hide our heads in the sand
We could just call it quits, only to start all over again
With somebody else

Every time we’re stuck in struggle, I’m down for the count that day
Every time I dream of quick fix I’m assuaged
Now I know it’s hard when it’s through
And I’m damned if I don’t know quick fix way
But formerly mistreat me silence now outdated

My tendency to want to run feels unnatural now
The urgency to want to give to you I don’t want most feels good

The only way out is through
The faster we’re in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we’ll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

The only way out is through
The faster we’re in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we’ll get better
The only way out is through ultimately

=============================

I’ve just got to know that this too shall pass.

bipolar · depression

It’s too darn hot for meds… Or anything

Heat is not my friend. I can’t go out into the sun, because of meds. And even when I’m indoors, even with the AC, the humidity etc. makes me woozy and disoriented and just plain tired. I end up sleeping all day or rather passing out and waking up like, wah!???

I’ve never been a fan of summer. But it’s been pretty hard this year. Psychotropic medication and the meds for Sjogren’s Syndrome and the fact that I am allergic to the sun. YUP! Allergic, I found that out when I was a child. I thought I was the only one on earth like that, but I ran into a few others on Facebook.

Summer is hell. I can’t go to the beach, I have to cover up like a mummy, the sun stings my skin, even with sunblock, which makes me sweat and feels like a layer of paint on my body.

This has to be the worst summer yet. Indoors, outdoors, I lose. And it’s not even August yet.

Whine, whine, whine. Yeah I know. If it wasn’t for the ice in Winter, I would like winter the best. But I love fall. Cool, sunny, beautiful sunsets and sunrises and the leaves change color. Beautiful. I’ve always loved the fall.

So, I’m taking it slow for the next few months. It’s taken me this long just to get my head together enough to make a coherent post. I hope.

@POTUS – Please do something about all those suffering from mental illness and can not afford assistance, medication or therapy.

My tweet to the cause.

I apologize for not being able to post regularly. I’m sure there are days you don’t want to be bothered as well as there are days, that I can’t put the thoughts together. Its par for the course. It goes with the territory. It is what it is. It’s BiPolar.

So, I stay in the shade. Try to make sense of things and the day passes in between medication.

One of my friends is so affected by the heat, they forget or are so dizzy, they forget to take their meds. Side Effects will do that too you.

Now to watch episodes of #MrRobot that I missed. #fsociety

bipolar · Life · mental health · mental illness · Self Image

We all have our own demons, some are just more carnivorous than others.

How do measure or obtain the worth of existence? In most ways, I’m a fatalist or at least was at one point. I don’t know what to call my thought process now, how I perceive life and trying to make sense of it all.

I use to think that God had a destiny all set out for each of us, and it was up to us (free will) to either reach or not reach that destiny. The destiny wasn’t any great prize or that all of our wishes would come true and life would be a dream. It would just be a life where we were content or happy for most of its course, until death.

Depending upon your decisions or actions, you either miss the mark or make it. But then how would you know if you were on the right path? Do you go by your gut? Do you try to manipulate life?

I’ve tried manipulating life, massive failure. Total disaster. Not recommended.

With BiPolar, I sometimes feel like I’m wasting space for someone more deserving to have lived life. Who had more to offer than I am capable of giving. I can’t work. I have no children. Sometimes I talk to my friend and a few other people, who come to me for advice. Why me? I have not lived.

When I say I have not lived, I mean I have not experienced life to its most fullest extent. Loved, given birth, had a career, traveled etc. Breathed the air and felt the surge of being alive.

That’s living, helping others and being able to participate in all there is out there.

I don’t sit and think about what my limitations are, but I am aware of them. I envy those who can run as an adult. Those who can walk or wake without pain. Those not hunted by some type of demon in their lives or in their minds. But those are fleeting moments.

We all have our own demons. Some are just more carnivorous than others.

Which brings me to my question; why am I still here? I have chosen to fight the good fight and not let this disease get the best of me. I have decided never to take my own life and if I’ve decided to live, I might as well get on with doing the things necessary to be considered ALIVE.

So I go thru the paces of daily existence. The stuff you do without thinking, but are an effort to me sometimes. Bathing, brushing my teeth twice a day, dressing, eating, taking all of my meds, making all of my doctors appointments, leaving the house to do these things, sleeping enough, all the things that should be like breathing, are an effort sometimes.

And then other times, when stability is there and the illness is in remission. They are second nature. Like breathing. So I look for other things to do, like expanding my mind, volunteering etc.

But I fear letting others down when the BiPolar comes back. If I make a commitment to be somewhere and perform a purpose, I want to do my best. It’s not fair for someone to hire me or enlist me and I can’t complete the task.

I took a free online course and passed with distinction. But it was stressful, exhausting and I panicked and had anxiety attacks thru the whole thing. How can I enroll for my Masters when this little course nearly set me back mentally.

I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m just being realistic. I’m not gonna jump on some rainbow and pretend that it’s all cheery just because I’m having good days mentally.

I have to be on guard, always.

So back to self worth. I guess I have no answers for that one after all. I live day by day, sometimes moment by moment. I don’t future think, I live and am trying to stay in present, cause that’s all I can handle comfortably.

This is how I live with my BP. And it works for me. For the moment, we all know everything changes and everything is temporary.

bipolar · depression · Life · mental health · Sjogren's Syndrome · Thoughts

Introspective

I feel so new with this physical illness. You can’t see pain with the naked eye, but you can see it’s effects. Kinda like mental illness. So actually, I should be able to get an understanding on how to live with this shit. Maybe.

With Sjogren’s, like BiPolar, you really never know when an episode is gonna hit, but you can kinda see or know the signs it’s coming.

I’ve got BiPolar’s signals down, for me. I can tell when certain behaviors are leading up to an upswing or a downward spiral. And I will try to head it off with meds or self talk etc. Using my skill set here.

With Sjogren’s, it’s all so new. I have a journal of daily activities. I know if I do too much, I will pay for it later or the next day. But, HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH ?

I slowly push the limits, but I fear a flare up, so I just do nothing. I hate the pain all over my body. My knees, my back, my hips. I’m sore all over and even laying down hurts.

So I take it easy.

Which leaves me without a life; I fear pain, depression, people, myself, loneliness, love. So many things, it’s not like a phobia, but more like a general fear of everything. Without being specific, maybe its paranoia, but I don’t think so. I don’t think anything is out to get me, so maybe it’s anxiety.

I’m just so tired of illness. No matter what the brand. I’ve been sick with something ever since I was born. Wearing leg braces as a toddler, constant bouts with tonsillitis. Depression.

I see myself dying alone and it scares me. The people I love are either growing up or getting older and as the youngest child, I fear being left behind. Sick and alone. No one knowing I’m dead until the stench in my apartment reaches the street. As the unpaid bills pile up in the mailbox and the neighbors begin to ‘wonder’.

Over 20 years of fighting BiPolar has left me tired and alone. I avoided relationships because I didn’t trust my judgement and I felt I would attract someone who would abuse me. The one time I tried, this came true. Not physical abuse, although there were time it came close, but verbal, emotional and mental abuse.

So, proving myself right. I stayed alone. Isolated and trying to get some sanity back.

When I finally got on an even keel, the bottom dropped out again with the thyroid and the Sjogren’s.

Something new to experience. I’m too old for this.

I don’t know if I have the fight of a 20 year old to battle and come out, O.K. anymore.

But something inside of me, keeps me moving forwards. Although I don’t know why or what it is I’m moving towards.