anxiety · bipolar · Book · depression · Life · Meds

And the Answer is: Anxiety

I’ll take “REASONS TO STAY IN BED ALL DAY ” for $1,000.


There are times I wonder if my days are nothing more than a wheel of ‘mis’fortune. Not to say its all bad. I might win a contest for some small thing, or get to spend some time with my mother and utterly enjoy the whole day. Or get to sleep without shuttering from my mind wanting to get up, but my body not being able too.

All types of crap happen. And when you have more than one diagnoses, you don’t know what to pick. Is today a BiPolar day, depression episode or anxiety attack.

My anxiety has been on high. I worry about my mom and I have a morbid obsession with how I will react or live once she passes.

Will I lose my mind? What will I do when I need someone to turn to and no one is there. There’s this fear about being alone, since there is no one presently in my life.

I wake up, go thru my daily routine. We talk and then; the rest of my day goes by until I call her before bed. This gives me reassurance that someone cares.

My mother is my rock. And there are times I am hers, and I like that.

My anxiety levels go pretty high and without the xanax and occasional other med, I would be inoperable. I feel it build and build and I want to eat everything in the house and I pace and I shake and it’s one major mess.

That’s where I’ve been lately. Except the day I shut down.

There I was, sitting in the waiting room for my therapist and my mood hit rock bottom. I could just stare and barely talk. My therapist is so good, she helped bring me around, able to make eye contact and sentences.

Things have been strange. I’m still able to put in an hour a week to development of the book. So, I guess it’s not a complete loss.

There was a writing course offered, but I’m broke. Only $400 and it would teach you how to develop characters, plot etc..  Coursera is an incredible site. I’m just too poor. Oh well.

Will share again, when I am able.

bipolar · depression · Life · mental health · mental illness · Thankfulness · Thoughts

All quiet..A simple blessing

It’s strange how you can have a down time. When the depression isn’t there and the mania is at bay. You know that somewhere in the back of your mind, you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I’m waiting for another flare up. Which will trigger some anxiety and that’s always fun.

The ‘growth’ on my pituitary gland caused a depression wave from hell.

I wish I could just enjoy what I have now. Live ‘in’ the moment as they tell you. But is that lying to yourself?

I have to always be on my toes for triggers and symptom and all the other stuff. Leaves you on pins and needles at times.

But I’m trying to forget all that and just enjoy the peace. It’s not as easy as it sounds, I think it kinda leaves you blind sighted to things and you can’t see them coming until it’s too late.

But I don’t want to live on a tightrope.

So, for today; I will eat what’s left of my birthday cake. Read Locke & Key, the graphic novel. And try to get some rest. It’s finally getting cold around here.

I guess that’s living in the moment. Tomorrow can take care of tomorrow.

But I won’t be blind to my environment and what may effect me negatively.

Today is a simple blessing and I accept it without reserve.

bipolar · depression · Life · Meds · mental health · mental illness · Prolactinoma · Thoughts


I have no way of knowing how it came to be. But it bothers me. To know that there is something, in or near my brain. Just sitting there, doing nothing but secreting ‘crap’ into my head.

One doctor a long time ago, told me that our bodies ‘grow things’ for no reason. Is this the case here?

I had a cancer scare with the thyroid. I’ve got the mental illness and it makes me wonder if this could be the cause for the mood shifts. If by taking this hormone, Cabergoline, will improve my BiPolar status or get rid of it.

There is a scariness to this, cause I can hardly remember life before BiPolar, it’s been over 20 years and I don’t think I would know what to do, maybe I could just ‘Live again’.

But, I doubt this dream.

I found some info from the Mayo Clinic and I have had many of the symptoms, including infertility and eye sight problems. Going to see the eye doctor real soon. More tests.

I’m just glad that surgery is not part of it, I’m done with surgery. Having gone thru so many operations.

There is a possibility that if it shrinks and my prolactin levels stay low for over 2 years, I can taper off the pill.

I kinda thought I was stuck with it for life. The nausea, anxiety and tiredness that is causes. At least it’s only once a week.

Otherwise, it’s another dodge for me. But I’m still scared. I don’t like this feeling at all, a sort of waiting for the next shoe to drop, type thing.

For the curious, here’s the link;



anxiety · bipolar · Life · Long term Therapy · mental health · mental illness · Stigma

When things change, you flow like water

So many changes within the last few days, and I must admit, if it weren’t for the right medications, I would be on a psych ward right now.

My therapist retired, I thought they were gonna move my case onto the next therapist coming in, no.

They are following what they believe is a trend in the future of “Mental Health Care”. Triaging crisis issues and once the issues are resolved, closing the cases and cutting off treatment. No more ‘long term’ therapy. Get in and get out and move on.

For those of us with chronic illnesses, like BiPolar and Schizophrenia, etc. This particular clinic won’t be handling ‘long term treatment’.

Life is difficult enough without having a diagnosis. You need to have the release of therapy and to hone your coping skills constantly. Even with the help of medication, therapy is key to keeping yourself in stability.

I don’t like the term ‘remission’. Because “I” believe that mental illness is always with us, on a daily basis and we deal with it daily. Remission gives you the ideation that it’s ‘gone’. This isn’t true.

Everything we experience and think and desire in life is processed thru our illness. And if we have it in check, (stability) than we can make proper choices and can think clearly and have fewer episodes of double checking our thinking, to make sure its ‘realistic’ and not something that is heavily influenced by our illness.

Remission to me is a ‘physical’ illness term.

I am dealing with physical illness with chronic pain. And BiPolar, which is stable, but I still have anxiety issues, which are daily.

I need to be able to deal and to check that I am able to deal with the proper filters, therapy is required.

So I left the old clinic, although I had a great Nurse Practitioner who got me where I am today. Not looking forwards to starting over, be there are times its necessary to maintaining stability.

I have intake on Wednesday and hope to update this blog at least once a week, since there are things to write about now. LOL

Maybe I can be inspired to write some ‘decent’ poetry.

My anxiety is crippling at times. There are moments of depression and so much negative thinking that tries to come to the surface.

So much to work on…

bipolar · Life · Long term Therapy · Meds

Is this Bizzarro World?

Woke up this morning feeling like nothing was ever wrong with me…???

Sure there was still the physical limitations, stiffness and minor aches. Did I just say minor?

I have been going thru a Flare Up with my Sjogrën’s Syndrome. It made me wackier than usual and in some serious pain.

So I had that going on and the therapist dump all at the same time. Maximum Overload.

Today, I wake up at 6:30 am. Lately, I have only been sleeping 3 hours and not being able to take naps.

Decided to leave the clinic and transfer to another one. I am the consumer and I am not satisfied with the services they offer. My insurance covers it, so I am ok. I wish it was that way for everyone.

I can’t imagine being stuck in a crapy situation for your mental health needs and having no choice. Either you do what is available or you have nothing. It’s a shame that this is the usual situation across the country.

We have been promised a change in the offering and availability of mental health care here in the US. I just hope its for the better. That there is an INCREASE in availability and that meds are easier to get for those of us who choose to take that road.

Today I am feeling good. I’m gonna live in the moment. Tomorrow will take care of tomorrow. Mindfulness today, moment by moment.


Have I ever been healthy?

Don’t get me wrong, I know the importance of medication and keeping things ‘level’. But when you have more than one condition, lets say physical pain and a mental illness. Sometimes they bump heads.

I don’t have a thyroid, had it removed in March. So since then I have been slowly titrating up my thyroid medication 80mcg to the present 137mcg. It hasn’t been fun. For the first few days, I am hazy, depressed, confused and tired. I am reclusive and self hating and almost suicidal. I said almost, because all these feelings and emotions are feeding upon each other and at the SAME time, my psych meds are in the background WORKING.

So I know it’s the meds and not me, or rather the adjustment to the new TSH crap and not the BiPolar rearing its ugly head.

Add in the pain killers for the arthritis from my Sjogren’s Syndrome. Your average person/doctor is baffled by this illness. Some Rheumatoid doctors don’t even treat it, why? I have no idea, I wish I knew.

So, I’m on a low dosage pain killer; which I need to boost with Tylenol when it doesn’t quite do it. I can’t take another type because of the psych meds I’m on, but I can take Oxycodone, (generic). Which I do when the flare up hits the hardest and I can barely walk.

Levothyroxine, Tramadol/acetametaphine, and the BiPolar cocktail and vitamins necessary to survival (a malabsorption issue). And I rattle when I walk. Like a bottle of pills. I didn’t want this and there are those who rant that, I can live without all these ‘poisons’ in my body.

I’ve tried this approach. For me, it doesn’t work. But that’s me.

I sometimes wonder where all of this started. I wasn’t the healthiest youth, always sick. Several cases of tonsillitis and very thin and weak.

I can remember them packing my nose with gauze when my fever hit above 103 when I had the measles and had to be rushed to the hospital with a gushing nose bleed that wouldn’t stop. So many ice baths, I don’t remember why, always had a fever, always sick.

Then things leveled out as I got close to my teens. Except I couldn’t go out to play during sunny days. Allergic to the sun, I would get nose bleeds. I grew out of that part, but now I just get small blisters on my chest. Even when I use sunblock and cover myself.

I was ok during college, although high school, my arthritis really acted up. Gym was a problem.

Looking back, I shouldn’t be surprised that at 25 BiPolar would strike and at 47, the thyroid would rear its ugly head (dodging cancer) and the Sjogrens would reach its detectable level.

So when I’m wary of taking anymore meds. Of any new treatments. I’m facing a possible Boniva treatment for my bones (preventative). I have to supplement calcium and vitamin D3.

It makes me wonder about the next 10 years of my life. My mother battled breast cancer twice and won. So I just don’t know what else to expect, if anything.

anxiety · Life

Anxiety and living with it daily

To put it simply, it’s hard. That’s the only word that people who don’t know what its like can understand, when you break it down.

So, lets try to break it down. Waking up, is hard. Because you fear what the day will bring, or what you may have to do during the day. It could be something as simple as taking a shower, will I fall? That goes thru my head a lot.

Then you have to go outside. THAT IS A BIG ONE. If you have social anxiety, it’s a major step, just to step out of the door. You wonder what others are thinking about it you, so you look at the ground when you walk. I try to do mindful walking, so I’m not thinking about what could happen and rather on where I am going.

You feel uncomfortable because someone may speak to you, then what do you say? What if they don’t speak to you, then you think, what is wrong with me. Or my favorite, ‘what do they want from me?”

As a communications major I learned that the purpose of communications is to get something back from the other person. It could be an answer, directions or a simple ‘hello’. But YOU basically want acknowledgement. And sometimes, I can’t give that too you, I’m barely making it myself. I can’t feed your ego and function at the same time, sorry Bub, move on.

Then there are the ‘what if’s’. Worrying constantly about the future and always coming up with the worse case scenario. Making lists in your head of things that will have to fall into place in order for something to occur. Even if it’s months ahead.

Crowds make me anxious. I have to keep telling myself that everyone else there, in the crowd, are so caught up in their own lives, they don’t even see me or even give me a second thought. Which basically is true. Unless they want something, which brings us full circle in the social anxiety thing.

My therapist would say, go out and try something small. NOTHING is small when you live with anxiety. So, I ignored that little pearl of wisdom.

I find that pharmaceuticals are my life savior. I couldn’t do without them. I have tried and it was hell. I have tried and succeed with self talk. But I would need to be calmed down first to even listen to myself talking.

I have a daily dosage and a PRN ‘just in case’ things are too much for me. Hell, life is too much for me.

I’ve been described as a boat on the ocean and a tiny wave can teeter me one way, or the next. It’s those waves, which are constant, that I deal with everyday. I know they are coming, so I expect them and I take my meds, go to therapy, use my coping skills and do what I can, when I can.

I find if I have a specific purpose to go ‘outside’, it makes it easier. A doctor’s appointment or shopping for the week or month; I shop for the month. Less trips out into the WORLD.

There are days I feel calm enough to go for short walks, as my health allows it. They are enjoyable. And I am thankful for them. And when people walk past and say, ‘hi’ I can say ‘hi’ back.

What’s going thru my mind at that moment is, just say hi and keep moving. Which is what I do. I try not to read anything into it and I forget the incident and just keep moving.

Trying not to delve into the reasons or the triggers of feeling like I’m being used to make their day great. Like I could make their day great. Huh, maybe I could. Just by acknowledging them and saying, ‘hi’; I make them feel appreciated and like ‘hey, I’m a great person. Friendly and kind to strangers I meet.

The whole ego thing I talked about.

Anxiety stems from other issues that are going on inside of your head. Some have panic attacks from anxiety. ME! But I’m not going into that, too long.

Everyone has felt anxious at some point in their lives, it’s just to what degree you feel it and how long it lasts.

Either the speaker knob is on 1 or 13. There are numbers in between, but I usually dwell around a 11 or 12 without meds.

So, yeah, living with anxiety is HARD. If you met me, you wouldn’t have any idea I have social anxiety. My mask fits well enough to pass. At least it does sometimes.