Life · mental health · Thoughts

I love my bed. I love to dream

I try to stay out of bed during the daytime. No TV in the bedroom. Just a stereo, books and furniture. Oh yeah and my bed. My wonderful, firm/soft mattress and fluffy pillows all for me.

I love my bed because I love to sleep. Perchance to DREAM. Dreaming is the most incredible experience when you think of it. Sometimes you get the weird ones or occasional nightmares. The majority of times I get great adventures and dreams of those who have passed dropping in to say hello and they love me. Those are the best.

Then there are my Indiana Jones dreams. Lifelike adventures complete with battles against the bad guy. Those dreams are so realistic I hate to wake up.

There was a time my bed was a retreat from the world. Nineteen hours of sleep and not a dream to be had. That was over twenty years ago. There are times I want to retreat to the bed again. I fight it. Distract and live life.

For the first time in many years, I feel alive again. Clear and ready to do things I haven’t done before. I am so thankful.

 

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Life · Meds · mental health · mental illness · Thoughts

Random Thoughts

I think I’ve written about this before. Maybe years ago. For me risks must be taken in order for things to improve in my life.

If you don’t take risks, nothing happens. Nothing happens if you don’t take risks. I can stay compliant in my life and die of old age never knowing if I reached my full potential. Never knowing if there was more out there for me if I only took a chance and took a risk.

Two things. Full potential. What if this is as good as it gets? Negative thinking or reality check? I don’t know.

The second is that these risks need to be positive. They can’t hurt anyone else or myself. Nothing illegal or immoral. These are my rules. Others mileage may vary.

I put myself out there on Instagram and here in two blogs. I write about my illness without holding back. Will this boomerang on me? I really don’t know.

I have other writings that I am working on and THEY are my major risks. Rejection and judgement. Judgement is a major trigger for me. I don’t judge others and I feel that no one should judge someone else. What makes them so superior that they can set the bar as to what’s acceptable or what the norm should be?

That’s my judgement rant.

In the past my major risks concerned medication. If I didn’t try and find the right one I would be stuck in an existence I was not happy with and nothing would change. Luckily by the time one med stopped working for me there was another one which could take it’s place.

I hate the big pharmaceutical companies because of the prices they charge for life saving meds are highway robbery. I don’t hate my meds. I don’t love them either. It just is. Nothing I can do about it. Tried living without but I can’t. I’m happy for those who can go through life without meds. Hate when they give me the whole “Poison” speech. Like duh, I know.

Meds to me are like insulin to a diabetic. Without there is no life.

I have an illness. I treat it. The end.

anxiety · bipolar · mental health · mental illness · Self Image · Thankfulness · Thoughts

Morning Walks

 

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My morning walks are helping my moods. It lifts my spirits and allows me to clear my mind of negative thoughts and things I have to do for the day. They reduce my anxiety and that is the main thing.

Although I did have two in a row after coming back from one recently. Triggers and timing are all I have to say about that incident.

I believe I am stable which is a good place. I’m feeling so much better about myself and am taking steps to improve my self-esteem.  Things just don’t seem to bother me as much. I have my fears and doubts and a full range of emotions. Just like everyone else.

I can control somethings in my life and accept that there are things which are out of my control. I’m not a control freak, never have been. In the whole circle of things, I need to remind myself that others will believe what they will and do what they do, no matter what you advise.

I can’t save the world. And I don’t think I want that responsibility either. I can make changes in my life and hopefully advise positively to my friends. I can raise my voice to things I support. Help when I can and provide random acts of kindness without expecting anything in return. I love doing this the most. 🙂

There are a few things I want to do that are simple and will provide me with joy. Nothing serious, just little goals which make me happy. I like taking pictures with my phone, posting on Instagram or just scrolling through others pictures of nature. I’m trying to keep things simple as possible, that’s when I function at my best.

When you’ve got a three-year-old running through the apartment above your head you thank God for headphone.

“Just Hold Me Like Johnny Cash.” – Lenny Kravitz is a beautiful song I think I will hold in my heart forever. It’s off his new album “Raise Vibration.” Required listening.

My mother is still alive. There’s a loneliness to the song for me. Being alone. Always wondering if and when someone will come into my life. Wondering if I’m cursed to die alone. I think that’s my biggest fear.

 

anxiety · bipolar · depression · Meds · mental illness · Self Image · social anxiety · symptoms · Thoughts

I HATE THIS PART!!!

New MED. New worries. Walking the fine line between feeling good or wondering if it’s a climb into a hypomanic state.

I went for a walk. Brought lots of junk food to put away for those times when nothing satisfies like a sugar rush.

Find myself wondering if I’m cycling up. I upped my dosage two days earlier and now I’m worried. Will I sleep tonight? What will tomorrow be like when I do my grocery shopping? Will I spend like a maniac?

This is the risk I take with every med adjustment. I hate med adjustments. I usually do them in the hospital. But I’m trying to avoid inpatient crap.

I have to be honest with myself and slow it down tonight. I like this feeling. I’m not harming anyone at the moment. The walk felt good.

But now I’m feeling guilty for feeling GOOD. Like it’s a bad thing and can only lead to grandiose thoughts and actions.

I hate not being able to trust my feelings and emotions. A lifetime of this shit is tiring.

No wonder I keep to myself and stay indoors.

Is it so wrong to smile sometimes?

anxiety · bipolar · depression · Meds · mental health · mental illness · social anxiety · symptoms · Thoughts

Is it the weather or not?

Rain and snow and high winds for the past few days. Not sure if nature isn’t cycling as well. Had to start the Trileptal a few days earlier. I felt awful. My head was just feeling like it was working on triple AAA batteries when it was designed for AA.

Feel much better this morning. I tend to respond to meds pretty fast. I can tell if it’s gonna work or not in a day or so. This seems like a fit for me. May need an increase in dosage, but time will tell.

I have the opportunity to get a therapy dog. I don’t feel this is the right time to be making this type of decision. Seeing other people leave their dogs droppings in my front lawn just irks me. I’ve always had a dog and I never did that, it’s disrespectful.

The opportunity for a therapy dog is sweet. But I don’t think I’m ready to give up my freedom. Plus there are my physical limitations. Chronic pain and swelling knees. The responsibility would fall on “ME” alone. I can remember thinking my dogs always deserved a better owner. One who could care for it up to the standards they deserved.

The monetary responsibility is the main one. I simply can’t afford it now. Maybe one day. Too many bills. Shame.

I don’t think I could walk a dog through the snow anymore. The rain and winds cause pressure on my sinuses. As I said, my dog would deserve better. God forbid if they got sick. Like my last dog did. I still mourn her loss.

One day I will have one just not now.

Thoughts

2 much time on my hands. Or what I did 2 day.

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  1. Look up ex-lovers and see if they’re doing time or on parole.

2. Google yourself.

Really2

  1. Go to various Department of Correction sites in different states to see if YOU are doing time or just on parole.
  2. Google dead relatives and pets.
  3. Write. No blogging, but write actual short stories or working on that novel. (*NOTE TO SELF)
  4. Get a mammogram.
  5. Go to a cookout. Arrive on time and see no one is there and find out it was canceled but nobody told anyone. Walk home.
  6. Talk on the phone with bestie about how you’ve been wasting time today.
  7. Don’t play any video games or you will be up all night. (*NOTE TO SELF)
  8. Go to bed while it’s still light outside. Listen to music on headphones.
  9. Blog meaningless nonsense to pass the time.
bipolar · dating · Life · Meds · mental health · mental illness · Thoughts

Fears that keep me from dating

The number one fear is that I’ll fall into an abusive relationship with some predator type male who likes to “rule” over their mate. Someone who will put me down and try to make me feel like no one else will want me because of my illness.

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I’ve seen and had a taste of this type of relationship. It makes me wary and paranoid of all who approach me out of interest. I wonder if I’m giving off some type of “victim” signal.

Some believe that only others who have mental illness can understand what the other is going through, so I should seek out others with similar if not the same diagnoses. I think this is fucked up. There have to be some people who can relate with what it means to be BiPolar without living with the illness.

When I am going through the ups and downs of being BiPolar. I can not imagine having to deal with another BiPolar going through the same thing. I’d lose it. I’m sorry but I tried living with my brother who was undiagnosed and it was hell. Only room enough for one nut per household. That’s what I told him and he understood because it’s hard enough dealing with your own shit and keeping it together. Then having to try and help, understand and relate with someone else who is going up and down and slideways at the same time.

I comply with my meds and my therapy. Even with compliance, there are times that are difficult. But not to the degree they would be IF I didn’t comply.

So, why don’t I date? I have purposely turned men away by divulging my illness on the first date. Just to see if they would stick around. None of them did. Part of me was glad. I wasn’t ready. I knew this deep down inside. There was still work to do and I view a relationship as a serious step in one’s life. I don’t see sex as a sport. Although I dabble when the need arises. And it’s a mutual using of each other’s bodies. And then I’m gone.

I am getting older. Hell, we all are getting older each day. I missed out on the child-bearing years. Personally, I think I spared a child some couch time in their future. But it’s still a missed opportunity I regret.

I wonder if my future will be a lonely one or if someone will ‘catch this drift’.

Sometimes the fear of dying alone is overwhelming. My friend never understood it when I told him, “I have never lived.”

He fell in love, had children, traveled, worked a fulfilling job and enjoyed LIFE. I spent my years just trying to stay out of the hospital and chasing sanity. Now, I have physical limitations which make it hard to get around. But, it doesn’t mean I won’t try if given the chance.

So, if you’re out there. This 50-year-old goddess is looking and may finally be ready to let someone close enough for a glimmer.

No serial killers or abusers need to apply.