depression · rant · Thoughts

Let me figure it out…

Walked as usual. Didn’t stretch before walk like an idiot and hurt my calf. So I stretched when I got home. Almost back to normal.

Went for a slow walk, but it was too cold and I was underdressed.

Got some food. Always a plus

Feeling good. Turn the corner and…

Distressing

 

How the hell do you process this? Is it a sign? Or simply some poor dead bird. Circle of life type thing.

This summer a hummingbird flew right in front of me and let me take pictures of him as he fed.

hummingbird

 

The bird doesn’t mean death literally. Just metaphysically. The hummingbird means good things for me.

So why am I depressed? Fucking TurkeyDay.

I cooked the turkey. Cooked another one and now I have to do it again. I just want to be alone right now with some peace and quiet so I can write.

NOPE. Neighbors home with a toddler.

I’m going to take something, drink some sleepytime, plug up my ears and call it a day.

Nothing accomplished. I’ll try another poem. I want to work on the short story, but I need complete silence for that.

This is gonna have to do for today. Sorry. The pictures are mine.

 

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Thoughts

Moved to poetry for the time being.

Moved towards poetry lately. I’m stable. Just examining a few thoughts and impressions. As much as I want to succeed with my writing. The harder it is to accept a compliment. I’m gracious. But deep inside, I don’t or rather can’t trust the words. I’m working on that. So it’s poetry today. Who knows what tomorrow may bring.

anxiety · Meds · Poetry · Thoughts

What does today bring me?

(free thoughts)

Took a miserable nap

It didn’t

do much good

Spent a miserable hour

eating chips and drinking tea

Such turmoil and hatred

flung like nets set to catch something desired

muck covered and ragged

I watch this day become a mishappen whore

Despite it’s appearance

It is still desired

SUN GO DOWN

Forget the past events

the turmoil and anger

The words flung and volcanos erupting

Everyone feels they have the right to voice their opinion

In a free country it’s everyday

Just not at the expence of others

Do no harm

It’s been a rats nest of death, hatred, barbed words and filth

Clean it up!

DIH 11/12/2018

Poetry · rant · Thoughts

Where is all this going?

 

images-2

 

WHERE IS ALL THIS GOING?

I have no idea.

I just keep getting older. Not finding love or attention. Walking blindly into directions I know I should not go.

I have no idea.

Finding myself in chatrooms with strangers bearing my soul.

At least they don’t know my real name.

Just what computer I use, what state and town I reside and what language I speak.

I have no idea.

What’s a VPN anyway?

And how much porn is too much?

I have no idea.

Falling in love with a stranger on the internet doesn’t say much for my mental state.

I know that much.

As the Beatles say, “I feel fine.”

So don’t ask me any questions.

I need my own fucking oracle.

DIH 11/5

 

Life · mental health · Thoughts

I love my bed. I love to dream

I try to stay out of bed during the daytime. No TV in the bedroom. Just a stereo, books and furniture. Oh yeah and my bed. My wonderful, firm/soft mattress and fluffy pillows all for me.

I love my bed because I love to sleep. Perchance to DREAM. Dreaming is the most incredible experience when you think of it. Sometimes you get the weird ones or occasional nightmares. The majority of times I get great adventures and dreams of those who have passed dropping in to say hello and they love me. Those are the best.

Then there are my Indiana Jones dreams. Lifelike adventures complete with battles against the bad guy. Those dreams are so realistic I hate to wake up.

There was a time my bed was a retreat from the world. Nineteen hours of sleep and not a dream to be had. That was over twenty years ago. There are times I want to retreat to the bed again. I fight it. Distract and live life.

For the first time in many years, I feel alive again. Clear and ready to do things I haven’t done before. I am so thankful.

 

Life · Meds · mental health · mental illness · Thoughts

Random Thoughts

I think I’ve written about this before. Maybe years ago. For me risks must be taken in order for things to improve in my life.

If you don’t take risks, nothing happens. Nothing happens if you don’t take risks. I can stay compliant in my life and die of old age never knowing if I reached my full potential. Never knowing if there was more out there for me if I only took a chance and took a risk.

Two things. Full potential. What if this is as good as it gets? Negative thinking or reality check? I don’t know.

The second is that these risks need to be positive. They can’t hurt anyone else or myself. Nothing illegal or immoral. These are my rules. Others mileage may vary.

I put myself out there on Instagram and here in two blogs. I write about my illness without holding back. Will this boomerang on me? I really don’t know.

I have other writings that I am working on and THEY are my major risks. Rejection and judgement. Judgement is a major trigger for me. I don’t judge others and I feel that no one should judge someone else. What makes them so superior that they can set the bar as to what’s acceptable or what the norm should be?

That’s my judgement rant.

In the past my major risks concerned medication. If I didn’t try and find the right one I would be stuck in an existence I was not happy with and nothing would change. Luckily by the time one med stopped working for me there was another one which could take it’s place.

I hate the big pharmaceutical companies because of the prices they charge for life saving meds are highway robbery. I don’t hate my meds. I don’t love them either. It just is. Nothing I can do about it. Tried living without but I can’t. I’m happy for those who can go through life without meds. Hate when they give me the whole “Poison” speech. Like duh, I know.

Meds to me are like insulin to a diabetic. Without there is no life.

I have an illness. I treat it. The end.

anxiety · bipolar · mental health · mental illness · Self Image · Thankfulness · Thoughts

Morning Walks

 

IMG_0572

My morning walks are helping my moods. It lifts my spirits and allows me to clear my mind of negative thoughts and things I have to do for the day. They reduce my anxiety and that is the main thing.

Although I did have two in a row after coming back from one recently. Triggers and timing are all I have to say about that incident.

I believe I am stable which is a good place. I’m feeling so much better about myself and am taking steps to improve my self-esteem.  Things just don’t seem to bother me as much. I have my fears and doubts and a full range of emotions. Just like everyone else.

I can control somethings in my life and accept that there are things which are out of my control. I’m not a control freak, never have been. In the whole circle of things, I need to remind myself that others will believe what they will and do what they do, no matter what you advise.

I can’t save the world. And I don’t think I want that responsibility either. I can make changes in my life and hopefully advise positively to my friends. I can raise my voice to things I support. Help when I can and provide random acts of kindness without expecting anything in return. I love doing this the most. 🙂

There are a few things I want to do that are simple and will provide me with joy. Nothing serious, just little goals which make me happy. I like taking pictures with my phone, posting on Instagram or just scrolling through others pictures of nature. I’m trying to keep things simple as possible, that’s when I function at my best.

When you’ve got a three-year-old running through the apartment above your head you thank God for headphone.

“Just Hold Me Like Johnny Cash.” – Lenny Kravitz is a beautiful song I think I will hold in my heart forever. It’s off his new album “Raise Vibration.” Required listening.

My mother is still alive. There’s a loneliness to the song for me. Being alone. Always wondering if and when someone will come into my life. Wondering if I’m cursed to die alone. I think that’s my biggest fear.