bipolar · depression · Long term Therapy · Meds · mental health · mental illness · Stigma · Support · Thoughts

A quest for stability




I believe in destiny. And fate, which makes me wonder about my present situations in life. Life may not be the greatest, but I tell myself and I know “IT COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE”.

I look at people in other countries; whom, if they were in my present state of life, would be dead. I don’t wonder about “WHY” anymore.

Sometimes, there aren’t any answers. It is what it is. No why’s, it just is.

If you obsess on answers to why you are physically and mentally ill, it will send you out of your mind. And the whole point is to be stable.

I don’t believe in the term ‘recovery’ when applied to mental health. Because you never recover from some illnesses, they can go into states of remission. But you have always be diligent about triggers and over doing things.

So it’s just a quest for stability. In my eyes.

There are people who have gone thru stages of depression and have reached recovery.

But for the BiPolar and Schizophrenic and Schizoaffective etc.; these things never go away. And that is the reason why I believe in taking meds diligently and keeping up with therapy to help support the medication. Like a one, two punch.

There are millions of people who suffer daily. And they suffer in silence, due to fear and stigma and family influences. And that saddens me. Because you are not alone, not by any means. And that’s something to remember.



bipolar · depression · Meds · mental health · mental illness · Support · symptoms

A phone call

Sometimes you run across a doctor who EXTENDS beyond the 9 to 5 and will call you on the weekend or after hours.

My endocrinologist is such a doctor. He called me yesterday and let me know my diagnoses and my treatment.

I can treat this with hormones. Although they do have a side effect of fatigue and nausea, it’s a lifetime commitment to this pill. It will stop it from growing and stop it from producing prolactin.

It has seemed that lately its been one thing on top of another. I just wanna run thru the fields like Laura Ingalls in “Little House on The Prairie”, without a rock tripping me up.

But it seems those days are gone. I don’t want this blog to be a constant report of what goes wrong when.

I did find out that what I have does effect mood cycling, so it may be a blessing in that respect.

I recently went thru some deep depression. About a week’s worth, around the holiday’s when everyone is so happy and thankful for family. I just felt so alone, despite the fact that my mom was there with me on New Years Eve.

Sometimes it’s so hard to deal with the holidays. Sometimes its hard to just DEAL; the illness is intertwined so much into my life.

There is no end to it, it is part of me. But it is not who I am.

anxiety · bipolar · depression · mental health · mental illness · Support

No news may be better

We never know what may be going on in our minds or head. Mentally or physically.

For me, I’ve dealt with the mental for a few decade. But now, the physical has come upon me and although it offers some possible answers, it’s still not the easiest thing to take.

I have a functioning pituitary adenomas. A type of tumor near my pituitary gland. My pituitary is fine, but this adenomas is excreting prolactin and some other stuff.

Found this out on a Friday, so my endo hasn’t been able to read the results and get back to me. It’s small 4×2 mm, but it could be effecting my eyesight, moods and weight.

I don’t know how long I’ve had it, just started getting these pressure headaches. Not sure how much is sinus or otherwise.

So no news is good news, unless they give you answers.

I’m not ready to do any hard research, just letting the news settle.

Yeah it scares me, but its treatable, so that helps. Hormone therapy looks like what will happen. I need some special eye test this weds, along with the prolactin test for my meds.

Things seem to be piling on top of each other. But I’ve got




anxiety · bipolar · depression · Life · Meds · mental health · mental illness · social anxiety · Stigma · Support · symptoms · Thankfulness · Thoughts

Little Blessings

I may not have much of anything. I have a few creature comforts and am thankful for those. I don’t have many friends. There are times I wish I could have more, but more friends creates more drama. And I like to keep things simple.

I’ve been going thru some cycling, depression and total numbness.

As usual, that means a tweaking of medication. So I’m going thru that, I’m just hoping it helps.

My social life is better than it use to be, because I’ve taken the risks. But sometimes things get overwhelming and I want to crawl back into the bed and sleep.

I love sleeping and am not ashamed to say it is my favorite thing to do.

The ultimate escape, complete with dreams.

My appreciation of little blessings is something I’m gonna try and use to improve my mood. From a flower in bloom that makes me smile. To the puppy playing in the grass, which lifts me ever so slightly.

To that one friend who understands what it feels like to just want to quit living. Its pretty scary, the thought process is scary. Some people can’t grasp it, but there are a few of us who know what its like to travel down that road.

And to find someone who doesn’t want to run when you talk about suicide, is a little blessing. It can bring you back from the brink of doing something, irreversible.

So here’s to my blessings, no matter how small or brief.

I am thankful for them. They keep me going. I have one too many illnesses, but it could always be worser than it is right now. I realize that and I can’t let it beat me down.

I have to count each blessing each day, no matter how small.

bipolar · depression · Life · mental health · mental illness · Self Image · Sjogren's Syndrome · Stigma · Support · Thoughts

Get over it

It’s hard to realize how much a word that someone may say in passing can have such a devastating effect upon you and your mood.

I try not to let the judgements bother me, but sometimes it makes you stop and truly look at what state your life is, where it’s going and what it’s lacking.

The other person may never realize the weight their comment may have had on your life. You really can’t blame them.

It’s how you process the remark, which basically is…

“get over it”

How do you get over your life? What suffering you go thru on a daily basis; this isn’t a cold or the sniffles. It’s what mental illness and chronic pain has done to you. Never asked for, no one action.

So you tell yourself, it is what it is and you move forwards. But when you express yourself and try to escape the constant state of things. And someone comes back at you with ,’get over it’.

The sand castle falls down.

So you start again, rebuilding the walls.


Some days it works, it’s not working today. Thank God for therapy.

bipolar · Life · Long term Therapy · mental health · Short term therapy · Support

Is this the future of Therapy for the Mentally Ill?

Its tough enough meandering thru life with a mental illness; you’ve got STIGMA, the inability to find and KEEP the therapy or meds you may need, due to money or changes in the mental health care system.

I knew my therapist was leaving. I thought I would be transferred to another one, seeing as I have a chronic illness, the BiPolar.

But no; they just closed my case on the day of my appointment without prior warning. They no longer handle ‘long term‘ therapy.

And it was so convenient, right in town. I love the nurse practitioner, but part of me wants to go, because


I thought of going without and just opening a case when things were really tough and after I get through the one hurdle. I would be without a therapist again. Until the next hurdle, which eventually would come alone, hey it’s called life.

So I would just be opening up all these cases and it would get ridiculous. Dropping Mentally Ill patients without warning and basically saying “YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH THERAPY. GOODBYE“. Now that’s ridiculous.

I’ve now got to find another therapist or clinic. Now is not a good time. But then again, when is it a good time to say goodbye to someone who has seen you thru over 10 years of the darkest days of your life?

Not easy…

I have two options now, but I’m not gonna rush this, it’s my life I’m dealing with and I want to make sure this doesn’t happen again.

They say the future of Mental Health Care are ‘short term’  and ‘goal oriented’ sessions with the therapist typing in your responses as you say them, like a stenographer. They are basically taking dictation and offering coping skills and you have no idea what they are putting into the computer, that’s not therapy. That’s dictation.

At the end they ask you, “SO, do you think you’ve made progress in the 30 mins I’ve been typing down what you’re saying and giving very little response or reassurement?”

I find this cold, impersonal and RUDE. If I’m gonna share with you things I can’t even tell my own mother, at least look at me and PRETEND to pay attention or be concerned.

I am angry and disgusted with the whole process.

They also mention, that it’s an insurance thing. But it doesn’t matter that this THING doesn’t apply to my case.

So where does that leave me? Hunting and hoping; that’s where it leaves me.


PATIENTS LIKE ME… A site I go to in order to find others who understand

If you follow the link I’m about to paste. You will find a place made up of all types of people from around the world who all have conditions that are diagnoses and live with them every day of their lives.

These aren’t doctors or researchers or advertisers. But everyday people who survive day to day and can offer help, comfort, support and conversation.

There are boards for Mental Health, MS, Arthritis, AIDS, Cancer, all types of conditions. I have found so many wonderful people here and I offer you this chance to find some comfort and advice and camaraderie.

Thank You.