bipolar · Life · mental health · mental illness · Self Image · Stigma

Friends and diagnoses

You may say you care.

You might wish me luck.

You may have the best intents but it just doesn’t show up.

Wish me well, understand.

Just don’t attempt to take me by the hand.

I know my position. I’m well aware of my affliction.

It’s not your position to help me get through my diagnosis.

Did I ask you? Did I beg you?

I was only throwing it out there trying not to persuade you.

Why did you run so fast? Forgetting that I am human.

What can I do from so far away when I’m the only one I’m ruining.

So I’ll keep my mouth shut. Keep it simple and sweet.

We won’t get too deep because the Stigma scares you more than your own contradictions.

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anxiety · bipolar · depression · Meds · mental illness · Self Image · social anxiety · symptoms · Thoughts

I HATE THIS PART!!!

New MED. New worries. Walking the fine line between feeling good or wondering if it’s a climb into a hypomanic state.

I went for a walk. Brought lots of junk food to put away for those times when nothing satisfies like a sugar rush.

Find myself wondering if I’m cycling up. I upped my dosage two days earlier and now I’m worried. Will I sleep tonight? What will tomorrow be like when I do my grocery shopping? Will I spend like a maniac?

This is the risk I take with every med adjustment. I hate med adjustments. I usually do them in the hospital. But I’m trying to avoid inpatient crap.

I have to be honest with myself and slow it down tonight. I like this feeling. I’m not harming anyone at the moment. The walk felt good.

But now I’m feeling guilty for feeling GOOD. Like it’s a bad thing and can only lead to grandiose thoughts and actions.

I hate not being able to trust my feelings and emotions. A lifetime of this shit is tiring.

No wonder I keep to myself and stay indoors.

Is it so wrong to smile sometimes?

anxiety · bipolar · depression · Life · mental health · Self Image · social anxiety

Turtle

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Sometimes I wonder how long this ‘good’ feeling is gonna last. I feel stable. And I’m scared it will be gone one morning like it has so many times in the past.

But I can’t think that way, I have to just keep moving forwards. And make the most of what I have now.

So much of me want to just revert like a turtle and go back into my shell.

But the sun feels good. Although a storm is coming (literally). The snow will melt, the skies will clear and the sun will come back again. So why not enjoy it for now.

Taking a slight break from writing. Did some searching of where I am in my present writing abilities and where I want to be in the future.

Having some feelings of doubt and low self-esteem. Which are hard for a writer.

I know that going to the conference will improve my writing. I’m not jumping into that pool without the right tools.

You know how your mind creates ENORMOUS POSSIBILITIES. While you dread that first rejection. But I know I have to put myself out there if I’m gonna get the word out about STIGMA. And what it feels like to live with a mental illness.

I need to make my characters into everyday people in order to reduce the fear and stereotypes of mental illness. I can’t and am not doing this alone. There’s a huge social media movement out there, and I just want to be a part of it.

But I also want to be that turtle.

PLEASE CONSIDER CONTRIBUTING TO HELP ME ATTEND WRITERS CONFERENCE.

depression · Life · Self Image · Thoughts

Appletini

They’ve got me believing that it’s ALL me. Which has made me quite paranoid and wreaked havoc with my self esteem.

Has me believing that I am so full of fault and misshapen, that no one will have me. As if that is the purpose of life.

One must go forth and multiply. Man is a social animal. There is someone out there for everyone.

I kinda believe that, when I see ugly people in groups. Oh, yeah, I forgot. EVERYONE is BEAUTIFUL. ( Said the ugly person). And you know who you are; and there are ugly babies too. I’ve seen a couple. I just say… interesting or say ‘how precious’. More like ‘my precious’.

But I digress.

Maybe it is me. Maybe it’s the time of the year that has finally gotten to me. You look at 360 plus days and wonder, what the fuck have I been doing?

Then you look at your age and your ‘stuff’ and wonder… Do I really need more? And then something breaks and damn, gotta replace that. So yeah, I need more stuff, especially when Apple holds a conference.

I wonder if these past few years, days, moments have been for naught. Always liked that word, ‘naught’. Nothing.

I try not to measure my life by achievements compared to others and standards set by society. “I am my own creation”.

Am I really that brave to make such a statement? Sitting alone on holidays and never having enough money to see a movie in the theaters. At $15 a pop, who does?

When you’re living off of Ramen noodles, that’s two weeks worth of meals. Priorities.

I seem to get unbalanced and lonely around the end of the year. So do I get drunk and go out and get laid. Risking my life if there are no condoms around. Lord knows pregnancy is out of the question. Powdered eggs via menopause.

Am I the reason I am alone?

When we were together (friends), things were great. We never argued, you hated that, you felt it wasn’t a relationship unless I was bitchy and argued. Now I see the type of women you are use too, I should have been a fucking blessing. Showing you that all women aren’t bitches who lie and spend your money.

Rather that some of us are equals and partners.

But that scared you. So you just ‘left’. And refused to give a reason to anyone.

So of course I blame myself. Like any child would.

And then there’s the loner. “I’m just a loner”. Please. Lets add a ‘oos’ to that word and kick the “n” the fuck out of there.

Why do I find myself falling into the thought pit of rejections by past lovers and friends?

Every 365 days, I sit here and find it all in my lap. And an Appletini in my hand.

While everyone else is still high on turkey and eggnog, stretching out the party for a month or two. Culminating in one massive ejaculation called…

New Years!

An excuse to miss work, get drunk, have sex and celebrate the  minute possibility that you might actually do something RIGHT next year, at least ONCE.

Yeah, that’s worth a drink.

bipolar · depression · Life · mental health · mental illness · Self Image · Sjogren's Syndrome · Stigma · Support · Thoughts

Get over it

It’s hard to realize how much a word that someone may say in passing can have such a devastating effect upon you and your mood.

I try not to let the judgements bother me, but sometimes it makes you stop and truly look at what state your life is, where it’s going and what it’s lacking.

The other person may never realize the weight their comment may have had on your life. You really can’t blame them.

It’s how you process the remark, which basically is…

“get over it”

How do you get over your life? What suffering you go thru on a daily basis; this isn’t a cold or the sniffles. It’s what mental illness and chronic pain has done to you. Never asked for, no one action.

So you tell yourself, it is what it is and you move forwards. But when you express yourself and try to escape the constant state of things. And someone comes back at you with ,’get over it’.

The sand castle falls down.

So you start again, rebuilding the walls.

I tell myself, ADAPT – IMPROVISE -OVERCOME

Some days it works, it’s not working today. Thank God for therapy.

bipolar · Life · mental health · mental illness · Self Image

We all have our own demons, some are just more carnivorous than others.

How do measure or obtain the worth of existence? In most ways, I’m a fatalist or at least was at one point. I don’t know what to call my thought process now, how I perceive life and trying to make sense of it all.

I use to think that God had a destiny all set out for each of us, and it was up to us (free will) to either reach or not reach that destiny. The destiny wasn’t any great prize or that all of our wishes would come true and life would be a dream. It would just be a life where we were content or happy for most of its course, until death.

Depending upon your decisions or actions, you either miss the mark or make it. But then how would you know if you were on the right path? Do you go by your gut? Do you try to manipulate life?

I’ve tried manipulating life, massive failure. Total disaster. Not recommended.

With BiPolar, I sometimes feel like I’m wasting space for someone more deserving to have lived life. Who had more to offer than I am capable of giving. I can’t work. I have no children. Sometimes I talk to my friend and a few other people, who come to me for advice. Why me? I have not lived.

When I say I have not lived, I mean I have not experienced life to its most fullest extent. Loved, given birth, had a career, traveled etc. Breathed the air and felt the surge of being alive.

That’s living, helping others and being able to participate in all there is out there.

I don’t sit and think about what my limitations are, but I am aware of them. I envy those who can run as an adult. Those who can walk or wake without pain. Those not hunted by some type of demon in their lives or in their minds. But those are fleeting moments.

We all have our own demons. Some are just more carnivorous than others.

Which brings me to my question; why am I still here? I have chosen to fight the good fight and not let this disease get the best of me. I have decided never to take my own life and if I’ve decided to live, I might as well get on with doing the things necessary to be considered ALIVE.

So I go thru the paces of daily existence. The stuff you do without thinking, but are an effort to me sometimes. Bathing, brushing my teeth twice a day, dressing, eating, taking all of my meds, making all of my doctors appointments, leaving the house to do these things, sleeping enough, all the things that should be like breathing, are an effort sometimes.

And then other times, when stability is there and the illness is in remission. They are second nature. Like breathing. So I look for other things to do, like expanding my mind, volunteering etc.

But I fear letting others down when the BiPolar comes back. If I make a commitment to be somewhere and perform a purpose, I want to do my best. It’s not fair for someone to hire me or enlist me and I can’t complete the task.

I took a free online course and passed with distinction. But it was stressful, exhausting and I panicked and had anxiety attacks thru the whole thing. How can I enroll for my Masters when this little course nearly set me back mentally.

I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m just being realistic. I’m not gonna jump on some rainbow and pretend that it’s all cheery just because I’m having good days mentally.

I have to be on guard, always.

So back to self worth. I guess I have no answers for that one after all. I live day by day, sometimes moment by moment. I don’t future think, I live and am trying to stay in present, cause that’s all I can handle comfortably.

This is how I live with my BP. And it works for me. For the moment, we all know everything changes and everything is temporary.

bipolar · Life · lyrics and music · Self Image · Stigma

I never realized… “It’s all about that Bass”.

I never realized what this song was about… I thought it was just another annoying new song on the radio. But “All about that Bass”, really has some positive lyrics. Self-image and body confidence are addressed and I feel that is important for young girls today.

I actually like the song now.

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Too many stick figures in the magazines. They even made the hamsters in the Kia Soul car commercials thin… WTF, when was the last time you saw a skinny hamster??? Let alone driving…

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I could go on for days how Seventeen magazine ‘brainwashed’ me thru high school. Pushing what others thought a girl ‘should’ look like and not being happy with who they were and just loving themselves.

Between body image and mental illness STIGMA, I could fill a book. These are two things which inflame me to a passion. Very little else can get me riled up these days.

Sjogren’s flare up this week, so I’m not doing much. Had to drop one med, but now I can’t sleep well at night, have to see my pdoc soon.

Still working on the thyroid levels. So, until they get normalized, things will remain a bit ‘wibbley wobbley’.

Missing Doctor Who at the moment, and The Walking Dead also, but at least I have ‘Blacklist’ too catch up on and watch for the time being.

Still tired though, which has become a constant.