Life · lyrics and music · mental health · relationships · Self Image

Both Sides…

Knocked back by a cold for a few days. I must admit once you start walking daily its hard to stop. Even while I was sick I just wanted to walk and be out in the air. I did go out. Bundled up while taking short walks and napping once I got home. I was exhausted, but I just NEEDED to walk.

Mentally things are fine. Physically things are fine. Emotionally things are confused.

Trying to figure out what I want in life. Do I want to remain alone? I had resigned myself to being a spinster. That sister/daughter who never married or had children.

At first, the thought made me sad. But there’s a freedom to being alone and a loneliness. It’s the emptiness that kills you. When you want to talk to someone and no one is there. So you pick up the phone and everyone is busy with their family and work.

So what do you do? Where do you go when life is just YOU and it’s not enough.

Do you rush into a relationship just to have someone? Or rekindle an old flame in hopes it stays lit this time. Knowing there was a reason it failed in the first place. But it’s better than the hollow feeling in your chest. Maybe.

I figure I’ll be alone. Not because I’m damaged goods like I used to think. My mental illness doesn’t mean I’ll never find love. Nor am I damaged because of it. If there is someone out there for me or not… I’ll survive.

I had a love. A possibility of having a life with someone who loved me. Or I thought I did. God had other plans and I thank him/her for it.

I realized that when I wrote to him that I was not able to have children and he didn’t want me anymore. All those feelings and empty promises were just that, empty. If I couldn’t breed I was useless. He’s the one who’s useless.

I could get angry. I could hate. Instead, I’ve been spared. Thank you, Lord. He didn’t truly love me. If he did, I wouldn’t be writing this post. A woman’s not a breeding machine. I would have loved to have a child. It just wasn’t meant to be. So be it.

If I find someone who wants this whole beautiful package, we’ll adopt a child or two.

Wow, I called myself beautiful. I’ve never done that before in my life. It’s not a physical beautiful I’m writing about it’s everything I have to offer to a true love. I guess I’m a romantic. Everything I have to offer as a person is what makes this beauty. It’s a fifty-year long journey.

I’m listening to the song, “Both sides now.” by Joni Mitchell

I guess that’s what this post is about. Looking at things from both sides and realizing you really don’t know what you thought you knew.

Age brings a wisdom and acceptance which youth can never fathom.

I’m glad I’m still here.

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anxiety · bipolar · mental health · mental illness · Self Image · Thankfulness · Thoughts

Morning Walks

 

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My morning walks are helping my moods. It lifts my spirits and allows me to clear my mind of negative thoughts and things I have to do for the day. They reduce my anxiety and that is the main thing.

Although I did have two in a row after coming back from one recently. Triggers and timing are all I have to say about that incident.

I believe I am stable which is a good place. I’m feeling so much better about myself and am taking steps to improve my self-esteem.  Things just don’t seem to bother me as much. I have my fears and doubts and a full range of emotions. Just like everyone else.

I can control somethings in my life and accept that there are things which are out of my control. I’m not a control freak, never have been. In the whole circle of things, I need to remind myself that others will believe what they will and do what they do, no matter what you advise.

I can’t save the world. And I don’t think I want that responsibility either. I can make changes in my life and hopefully advise positively to my friends. I can raise my voice to things I support. Help when I can and provide random acts of kindness without expecting anything in return. I love doing this the most. 🙂

There are a few things I want to do that are simple and will provide me with joy. Nothing serious, just little goals which make me happy. I like taking pictures with my phone, posting on Instagram or just scrolling through others pictures of nature. I’m trying to keep things simple as possible, that’s when I function at my best.

When you’ve got a three-year-old running through the apartment above your head you thank God for headphone.

“Just Hold Me Like Johnny Cash.” – Lenny Kravitz is a beautiful song I think I will hold in my heart forever. It’s off his new album “Raise Vibration.” Required listening.

My mother is still alive. There’s a loneliness to the song for me. Being alone. Always wondering if and when someone will come into my life. Wondering if I’m cursed to die alone. I think that’s my biggest fear.

 

bipolar · Life · mental health · mental illness · Self Image · Stigma

Friends and diagnoses

You may say you care.

You might wish me luck.

You may have the best intents but it just doesn’t show up.

Wish me well, understand.

Just don’t attempt to take me by the hand.

I know my position. I’m well aware of my affliction.

It’s not your position to help me get through my diagnosis.

Did I ask you? Did I beg you?

I was only throwing it out there trying not to persuade you.

Why did you run so fast? Forgetting that I am human.

What can I do from so far away when I’m the only one I’m ruining.

So I’ll keep my mouth shut. Keep it simple and sweet.

We won’t get too deep because the Stigma scares you more than your own contradictions.

anxiety · bipolar · depression · Meds · mental illness · Self Image · social anxiety · symptoms · Thoughts

I HATE THIS PART!!!

New MED. New worries. Walking the fine line between feeling good or wondering if it’s a climb into a hypomanic state.

I went for a walk. Brought lots of junk food to put away for those times when nothing satisfies like a sugar rush.

Find myself wondering if I’m cycling up. I upped my dosage two days earlier and now I’m worried. Will I sleep tonight? What will tomorrow be like when I do my grocery shopping? Will I spend like a maniac?

This is the risk I take with every med adjustment. I hate med adjustments. I usually do them in the hospital. But I’m trying to avoid inpatient crap.

I have to be honest with myself and slow it down tonight. I like this feeling. I’m not harming anyone at the moment. The walk felt good.

But now I’m feeling guilty for feeling GOOD. Like it’s a bad thing and can only lead to grandiose thoughts and actions.

I hate not being able to trust my feelings and emotions. A lifetime of this shit is tiring.

No wonder I keep to myself and stay indoors.

Is it so wrong to smile sometimes?

anxiety · bipolar · depression · Life · mental health · Self Image · social anxiety

Turtle

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Sometimes I wonder how long this ‘good’ feeling is gonna last. I feel stable. And I’m scared it will be gone one morning like it has so many times in the past.

But I can’t think that way, I have to just keep moving forwards. And make the most of what I have now.

So much of me want to just revert like a turtle and go back into my shell.

But the sun feels good. Although a storm is coming (literally). The snow will melt, the skies will clear and the sun will come back again. So why not enjoy it for now.

Taking a slight break from writing. Did some searching of where I am in my present writing abilities and where I want to be in the future.

Having some feelings of doubt and low self-esteem. Which are hard for a writer.

I know that going to the conference will improve my writing. I’m not jumping into that pool without the right tools.

You know how your mind creates ENORMOUS POSSIBILITIES. While you dread that first rejection. But I know I have to put myself out there if I’m gonna get the word out about STIGMA. And what it feels like to live with a mental illness.

I need to make my characters into everyday people in order to reduce the fear and stereotypes of mental illness. I can’t and am not doing this alone. There’s a huge social media movement out there, and I just want to be a part of it.

But I also want to be that turtle.

PLEASE CONSIDER CONTRIBUTING TO HELP ME ATTEND WRITERS CONFERENCE.

depression · Life · Self Image · Thoughts

Appletini

They’ve got me believing that it’s ALL me. Which has made me quite paranoid and wreaked havoc with my self esteem.

Has me believing that I am so full of fault and misshapen, that no one will have me. As if that is the purpose of life.

One must go forth and multiply. Man is a social animal. There is someone out there for everyone.

I kinda believe that, when I see ugly people in groups. Oh, yeah, I forgot. EVERYONE is BEAUTIFUL. ( Said the ugly person). And you know who you are; and there are ugly babies too. I’ve seen a couple. I just say… interesting or say ‘how precious’. More like ‘my precious’.

But I digress.

Maybe it is me. Maybe it’s the time of the year that has finally gotten to me. You look at 360 plus days and wonder, what the fuck have I been doing?

Then you look at your age and your ‘stuff’ and wonder… Do I really need more? And then something breaks and damn, gotta replace that. So yeah, I need more stuff, especially when Apple holds a conference.

I wonder if these past few years, days, moments have been for naught. Always liked that word, ‘naught’. Nothing.

I try not to measure my life by achievements compared to others and standards set by society. “I am my own creation”.

Am I really that brave to make such a statement? Sitting alone on holidays and never having enough money to see a movie in the theaters. At $15 a pop, who does?

When you’re living off of Ramen noodles, that’s two weeks worth of meals. Priorities.

I seem to get unbalanced and lonely around the end of the year. So do I get drunk and go out and get laid. Risking my life if there are no condoms around. Lord knows pregnancy is out of the question. Powdered eggs via menopause.

Am I the reason I am alone?

When we were together (friends), things were great. We never argued, you hated that, you felt it wasn’t a relationship unless I was bitchy and argued. Now I see the type of women you are use too, I should have been a fucking blessing. Showing you that all women aren’t bitches who lie and spend your money.

Rather that some of us are equals and partners.

But that scared you. So you just ‘left’. And refused to give a reason to anyone.

So of course I blame myself. Like any child would.

And then there’s the loner. “I’m just a loner”. Please. Lets add a ‘oos’ to that word and kick the “n” the fuck out of there.

Why do I find myself falling into the thought pit of rejections by past lovers and friends?

Every 365 days, I sit here and find it all in my lap. And an Appletini in my hand.

While everyone else is still high on turkey and eggnog, stretching out the party for a month or two. Culminating in one massive ejaculation called…

New Years!

An excuse to miss work, get drunk, have sex and celebrate the  minute possibility that you might actually do something RIGHT next year, at least ONCE.

Yeah, that’s worth a drink.

bipolar · depression · Life · mental health · mental illness · Self Image · Sjogren's Syndrome · Stigma · Support · Thoughts

Get over it

It’s hard to realize how much a word that someone may say in passing can have such a devastating effect upon you and your mood.

I try not to let the judgements bother me, but sometimes it makes you stop and truly look at what state your life is, where it’s going and what it’s lacking.

The other person may never realize the weight their comment may have had on your life. You really can’t blame them.

It’s how you process the remark, which basically is…

“get over it”

How do you get over your life? What suffering you go thru on a daily basis; this isn’t a cold or the sniffles. It’s what mental illness and chronic pain has done to you. Never asked for, no one action.

So you tell yourself, it is what it is and you move forwards. But when you express yourself and try to escape the constant state of things. And someone comes back at you with ,’get over it’.

The sand castle falls down.

So you start again, rebuilding the walls.

I tell myself, ADAPT – IMPROVISE -OVERCOME

Some days it works, it’s not working today. Thank God for therapy.