bipolar · depression · Life · Meds · mental health · mental illness

Negative Thoughts

I realize that for me the best way to get something out of your thoughts is to write. It doesn’t have to make sense at the time. It doesn’t have to be grammatically perfect. You just need to put pen to paper and stop it from repeating in your skull.

Negative thoughts are the most damaging. I’ve grown up expecting the worst because the ‘best’ never seemed to happen. I am trying to shake this process. Remembering that what comes will come. That what is simply is and I have no control over it.

Taking it moment by moment again. Beginning from November of last year the present day has been hellish. October is particularly rough.

I still don’t know why I struggle during this month. It’s been that way for a long time. Dipping into my toolbox and using everything I can to survive these next few months. The lightbox, CBD, therapy, meds and my friend.

I tend to get very lonely around the holidays. Most of us do. My mother is still with me. But I will be missing my brother immensely. So much death surrounding my family. Sickness and bad luck. I used to think we were cursed.

I don’t know what to think anymore. I pray for the peace of mind and body and peace within my soul. I will do what I need to do in order to remain in a positive ‘healthy’ state. Limiting somethings and erasing others altogether.

I accept who I am and have the wisdom to know the difference. Reality checks help with the latter.

depression · Life · mental health

Short reality check

You can really get your mind mixed up sometimes. Reality, dream, crushes, and life. Sometimes you just need to be someone besides yourself. Especially when you’re alone. You can build a base of friends who can be there to help you when times are rough.

But that is hard if you don’t have the types of friends who understand what you are going through on a daily basis. There are times they can’t be there and you have to fly solo. As long as it’s a safe flight.

Did a lot of deleting today. Trying to get back into a state of ‘being.’ Hoping for the best. That’s all I can do right now.

I don’t want to go into details. I’m too smart to do what I did. But sometimes you are weak and alone and you just want a friend. When there are none to be found.

One day I will be totally alone. I don’t know what the hell I am going to do then. Therapy can only take you so far. The same with medication.

I’m not depressed. Just making a short reality check.

mental health · mental illness · Poetry · Self Image

Dented Can

You’ll keep walking

Not good enough

I’ve been there

Standing in line

hands in my pockets

Head held down

eyes closed

Because I know

I will be passed by.


Not pretty enough

She’s very, very pretty

You love your adjectives.


It doesn’t matter

I know I’m damaged goods

I’ve been standing here for a long time.

I know the routine

Pretty face

Not my type.




Mentally Ill



What makes you perfect?

flawless blue-eyed being.

Blue eyes are a mutation.

Did you know that flawless man?


My eyes are brown

Large fawn-eyed brown

I’m normal

Damaged, but normally so.




anxiety · depression · Meds · mental health · mental illness

Lesson One

Just like the song that speaks of ‘false confidence.’ I fell into it last night. Like an idiot, I missed my night meds and am up crying and listening to Patsy Cline. My go-to for depression.

It wasn’t until I FINALLY pulled myself out of bed that I realized last nights meds waving at me. Doh!

So many of us hiding behind masks. So many of us who couldn’t function without meds for whatever the reason. Migraines, depression, Insomnia, Anxiety, blah blah blah.

I am not in a good place. I’m safe but feeling rather shitty towards people in general. So I’ll stay off Social Media. Stay indoors etc. Which is cool cause it’s getting cold here. Canceled everything and put on my wireless headphones and am currently worshipping at the Alanis Morrissette Temple. That’s what the playlist is called.

The first song played is the one my ex-best friend and I shared. Tears, anger, self-hatred. That was me, not the song. I’m good with low-self-esteem and self-hatred. Majored in them both at the same time. Aced them both. Thanks for that mind fuck Dad. All mental abuse folks. What gets me is that they are ‘supposedly’ unaware of the damage they do to you and how it lingers. Whoever ‘they’ are in your life.

Every time you feel like you’ve got the hold of it and you can move forward with your life.  Stress or life will screw you over and you’re on the bottom step again. Finnegan Begin-again.

Faking it until I’m making it today. I’m not manic. Just depressed, I’m used to that so I can handle this shit. Pseudo-making it? Is that a word?

It’s cold in here now so I’ll wrap this up. Take your vitamins kiddies and eat your Wheaties. In other words, don’t miss a mother fucking dose of meds if you can help it. It’ll come back to bite your ass off and make you type lots of curse words.

dating · Life · mental health · mental illness · Self Image

Walking Blindly

I love walking. Now that I’ve said it, I will probably stop. I tend to do the opposite of what someone notices about me once they notice. I doubt that’s a rebellious side, but who knows.

I spent four hours chasing Pokemon today. It was fun. I seldom have fun. Shame is that it was alone.

I’m getting tired of being alone. In all aspects. I’m getting tired of rejection from faceless strangers on IG simply because I won’t play their game.

I consider myself to be a lady and expect to be treated like one. I guess we’re a dying breed of female.

I feel a little depression coming on and I know the trigger so I’m knocking out early and deep.

Some tunes and a little taste of oblivion.

Today wasn’t a complete loss. I got a shiny Pokémon who is very powerful.

Here’s the catch, I have no one to share my adventures with concerning the game. My bestie is trying to get a understanding of the game. Which is cool.

Needless to say I’m not your average woman. Some people can’ handle that. I speak my mind, have my own opinions and strange behavior outside of the BiPolar. A dark quirky sense of humor and other things. A different, yet complete package which no one wants.


P.S. I’m considering getting involved in some advocacy again. This one is about mental illness which is something I am passionate about, although it may seem like I don’t care much about things. I give more than one shit about our planet. It’s just hard to join the fight when you spend most of your energy staying out of the nut ward.

Did some poetry on BiPolar Slip my other blog. It’s sexual. Nuf said.


Life · lyrics and music · mental health · relationships · Self Image

Both Sides…

Knocked back by a cold for a few days. I must admit once you start walking daily its hard to stop. Even while I was sick I just wanted to walk and be out in the air. I did go out. Bundled up while taking short walks and napping once I got home. I was exhausted, but I just NEEDED to walk.

Mentally things are fine. Physically things are fine. Emotionally things are confused.

Trying to figure out what I want in life. Do I want to remain alone? I had resigned myself to being a spinster. That sister/daughter who never married or had children.

At first, the thought made me sad. But there’s a freedom to being alone and a loneliness. It’s the emptiness that kills you. When you want to talk to someone and no one is there. So you pick up the phone and everyone is busy with their family and work.

So what do you do? Where do you go when life is just YOU and it’s not enough.

Do you rush into a relationship just to have someone? Or rekindle an old flame in hopes it stays lit this time. Knowing there was a reason it failed in the first place. But it’s better than the hollow feeling in your chest. Maybe.

I figure I’ll be alone. Not because I’m damaged goods like I used to think. My mental illness doesn’t mean I’ll never find love. Nor am I damaged because of it. If there is someone out there for me or not… I’ll survive.

I had a love. A possibility of having a life with someone who loved me. Or I thought I did. God had other plans and I thank him/her for it.

I realized that when I wrote to him that I was not able to have children and he didn’t want me anymore. All those feelings and empty promises were just that, empty. If I couldn’t breed I was useless. He’s the one who’s useless.

I could get angry. I could hate. Instead, I’ve been spared. Thank you, Lord. He didn’t truly love me. If he did, I wouldn’t be writing this post. A woman’s not a breeding machine. I would have loved to have a child. It just wasn’t meant to be. So be it.

If I find someone who wants this whole beautiful package, we’ll adopt a child or two.

Wow, I called myself beautiful. I’ve never done that before in my life. It’s not a physical beautiful I’m writing about it’s everything I have to offer to a true love. I guess I’m a romantic. Everything I have to offer as a person is what makes this beauty. It’s a fifty-year long journey.

I’m listening to the song, “Both sides now.” by Joni Mitchell

I guess that’s what this post is about. Looking at things from both sides and realizing you really don’t know what you thought you knew.

Age brings a wisdom and acceptance which youth can never fathom.

I’m glad I’m still here.

Life · mental health


Positivity is something that is new to me. I have grown up with nothing but negativity in my mind and in my life. No wishes just dreams and reality. When you are poor. You don’t expect the best to come. You don’t expect to win. You hope to make it to the next day.

Our parents begin to feed us negative thoughts at an early age. They may want the best for us which is the step up from where they were, but big dreams are just that. Dreams. So the negative song plays for years in your head and it takes years of therapy until you can finally say “Yes, it could happen.”

Each day I wake up with what I am going to do that day in my head and by completing it, no matter how small. It is a positive thing.

Positive people help keep negativity at bay. Negativity breeds hardship. Positivity creates hope.