bipolar · dating · Life · Meds

Nothing serious.

Where to go with the subject of sex? I won’t delve too deep. With BiPolar it can go one way or the other. Hot or cold or maddening.

I have been hypersexual. That’s when I lock myself inside. Ideas come to mind and safety goes out of the window. Hypersexual for me is when your libido just can’t be satiated. And experimentation takes over.

I’ve been very lucky and mindful when it comes to that phase of BiPolar. When your libido is in control and your heart has very little to do with it. Simply, you can ruin your life or end it.

Medication can make things run so cold you forget you have reproductive organs. And it doesn’t bother you much. Unless you’re married or involved. A lot of people don’t take meds because it can kill your sex life.

There are some which increase the desire and others which keep things the same.

Your mileage may vary.

My new med has awakened me once again. A bit of a dilemma seeing that I’m alone. I manage.

I said I wouldn’t delve too deep. So I’ll end it here. I have issues with sex. I would need someone who understands and can work with me through the phases. Not easy to find.

As I said before, I see myself as a spinster. I won’t resign myself to be with someone simply to say I have someone. I want love, I’ve been through too much in my life to settle for less.

I’m a work in progress. It may have been a late start at least it has started.

 

 

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Meds

Two empty people

If two empty people join.

Will they make a whole?

Or just a bigger hole.

You never know until you try.

They may seem amazing. You may seem curious.

You never know unless you try.

They may loose each other. Return to being empty.

Apart.

You’ll lose a chance. You’ll lose a way to fill that emptiness.

Do you resign yourself to yourself?

Just being.

Consider it. I did.

‘Til there was you.

DIH

10/14/18

bipolar · depression · Meds · mental health · mental illness

Et Tu Pdoc?

Notmyday

 
You may start off hopeful some days and others will send it crashing down into anger or despair.

I’ve been slipping into this depression for the past few weeks. Each day I could feel my mood going down. Not enjoying my hobbies as much as I use too. Not wanting to leave the house. Sitting and staring at nothing while my mind goes blank. Increased negative thinking. All that good shit.

I set out personally to cut a depressive crash off at the curb and suggest that my psychiatrist increase a med she had cut when I was fully manic. This was a med that they had originally RAISED because of my generalized depression. What the hell does that mean anyway?

I’ve been walking and exercising and eating healthy and distracting and getting out of the house. Using my lightbox. I’ve been a busy productive little mental health bee. Not overdoing things, just doing things for a change.

I have been dealing with BP for over 25 years. I know when I am going into a depressive crash. My Pdoc (psychiatrist) tried to blame it on the weather. It was drizzling.

I said yeah, I know it’s dreary but these feelings have been going on for a long time and getting worse each day. I didn’t want to get out of bed etc. Pdoc’s response again reflected back towards the weather.

I realized I was gonna have to justify and fight for this temporary increase. Pdoc telling me pills are not the answer. I was like DUH! Why the hell do you think I’m doing all this  Cognitive Behavioral work?

With BP there are times you have to tweak the meds throughout the year because of your mood swings. It may be temporary and you can lower the med or raise it when the mood swings back towards stability.

Pdoc’s the one with the degree and just didn’t get what I was telling them. So I got adamant and told them that I know my body, I know my mind and I know my moods. I’m heading for a depressive crash. I’ve been there many times in the past and don’t want to go back there again. Much like my skip down mania lane.

Pdoc’s response… Do you want to crash?

GOOD LORD HELP ME!

Hell to the no! Who wants to crash?

We go over the medications I am on and Pdoc has me taking more of this and less of that and still being on one med we discontinued two months ago. I wondered if they had the right file up on the laptop.

Until today, Pdoc has been fine. Got me through some serious crap. I give credit where its due. I understand I am not the only patient. After I correct my Pdoc they type away for a while and then say, “See you next month.” In a flat tone.

I got what I wanted. I had to fight for it. I hate fighting, but it’s my life I’m fighting for; not some ego.

I think the Pdoc was more upset about being WRONG than with my reaction. I was not loud, I was not abusive. I was specific, gave examples and did my homework. In addition to personal experience.

No, a pill doesn’t cure anything when it comes to mental illness. It all about what alleviates your symptoms. The work is the therapy and taking risks and listening to your body when you get that feeling that you’re not yourself. Which is hard. I have changed a lot because of the illness. It’s difficult to figure out who I am sometimes. One thing I’m not is a victim of this illness. Priority one is to stay on top of symptoms and I do my best.

When I got home I had to go for a walk to defuse. Yeah, I got what I wanted. But my Pdoc didn’t trust me enough to believe I knew about what I was talking. She spoke to me like I was stupid, “I’m not stupid.”.

Which insulted my intelligence. One of the very few things BP didn’t take away from me.

When I got in the house I cried. Not only do I have to fight the stigma of others; do I have to fight it with my Pdoc too? We’ve known each other for almost ten years. It really upset me. Another proof that I’m sinking. Oversensitivity.

Normally I would have said ‘as long as I got the increase.’ I took it personally. It’ll take a few days to fully kick in and I’m used to that.

At least I wanted to get out of bed this morning and am making plans on what to do today.

And it’s raining.

 

Life · Meds · mental health · mental illness · Thoughts

Random Thoughts

I think I’ve written about this before. Maybe years ago. For me risks must be taken in order for things to improve in my life.

If you don’t take risks, nothing happens. Nothing happens if you don’t take risks. I can stay compliant in my life and die of old age never knowing if I reached my full potential. Never knowing if there was more out there for me if I only took a chance and took a risk.

Two things. Full potential. What if this is as good as it gets? Negative thinking or reality check? I don’t know.

The second is that these risks need to be positive. They can’t hurt anyone else or myself. Nothing illegal or immoral. These are my rules. Others mileage may vary.

I put myself out there on Instagram and here in two blogs. I write about my illness without holding back. Will this boomerang on me? I really don’t know.

I have other writings that I am working on and THEY are my major risks. Rejection and judgement. Judgement is a major trigger for me. I don’t judge others and I feel that no one should judge someone else. What makes them so superior that they can set the bar as to what’s acceptable or what the norm should be?

That’s my judgement rant.

In the past my major risks concerned medication. If I didn’t try and find the right one I would be stuck in an existence I was not happy with and nothing would change. Luckily by the time one med stopped working for me there was another one which could take it’s place.

I hate the big pharmaceutical companies because of the prices they charge for life saving meds are highway robbery. I don’t hate my meds. I don’t love them either. It just is. Nothing I can do about it. Tried living without but I can’t. I’m happy for those who can go through life without meds. Hate when they give me the whole “Poison” speech. Like duh, I know.

Meds to me are like insulin to a diabetic. Without there is no life.

I have an illness. I treat it. The end.

bipolar · depression · Life · Meds · mental health · mental illness

Me and my lightbox.

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I’m finding that I’m slowly slipping into a depression. I’m walking and trying to distract myself but it’s getting harder.

The mania is gone. Blessing. I no longer have WWF above my head, but now I have Romper Room. With the yelling, shrilling screaming and banging stuff on the floor. Running through the house at 10pm from room to room.

Sometimes I wonder why things are so difficult are I feel like they are approaching a level of difficulty I won’t be able to handle.

I’ve been using light therapy and it has been helping. I need it at least twice a day now. This didn’t happen this early last year. Everything has changed and with my current state of mind; it’s hard to keep the negative thoughts away.

The desire to write is slowly coming back. I just need some peace and quiet. Gonna try headphones.

Want to try learning Italian again now that I’m finished with reading ALL of the Manga Bleach. Major accomplishment. Kudos to me. 🙂

I wake up with fleeting thoughts about self-harm and I dismiss them, which is good. Guess it’s just gonna be a winter of this SHIT above my head and in my head.

Not in a good place. Hopefully, the lamp can improve the way I’m feeling.

I’m on Instagram. Basically, post positive things or things about mental health. Started taking photos of stuff I like and posting them. Flowers, trees other crap.

Most pleasure comes from looking at other peoples posts of places I’ll never see in person. (Negative thinking, I know.)

I shall call him Chucky because he pisses on the floor, bites and hits and stomps through the apartment above my head where you can hear everything. EVERYTHING. Chucky has blocks which he throws at the floor.

Isn’t life beautiful?

 

anxiety · bipolar · Meds · mental health · mental illness

The other side of the temporary

 

s-l300

 

**I’ve just realized I’ve been going through this shit since March! It started in November 2017 and peaked in March when Latuda quit on me. Crazy, no?**

I have always respected others decisions to take or not take medication for whatever their diagnoses. I have tried doing without medication for my BiPolar etc. I’m just one of the many who need meds to function in a stable state of mind.

I’m stable and am so thankful every day. I look forward to actually DOING things. I haven’t been like this in years.

I’m more positive without being a Pollyanna. I still have my dark side and morbid sense of humor, sarcastic streak etc. Binging on Penny Dreadful has been so refreshing for me. Something that has EVERYTHING I love about that genre. So well written and acted.

I still love TWD and gonna catch up on FTWD. So much TV, so little time.

I got rid of cable and find myself getting more things done. Kinda. Just finding new things to occupy my time. Pokemon Go might be a new addiction. At least I get to walk more 🙂

Instagram is also something I’m doing. Positive posts about mental health and life. Sometimes concentrating on mental illness can be depressing. I like saying mental health. Yes, it’s an illness that you can’t fix. At least we can treat the symptoms.

I’ve taken some pictures on my phone and some are good. I like nature shots and odd things. Not into portraits or food or thousands of selfies. I still have the self-hatred shit to deal with, but I’m making progress.

Did a lot of walking this morning. So tired. It’s hot. ugh.

Family drama. As usual, but I’m keeping my distance. Dyed my hair. Not the color I wanted. It’s a nice black with blue highlights. Not brave enough for the full purple locs yet. LOL.

Discovered what an incredible photographer Julian Lennon is @julespicturepalace on Instagram. Each photo moves me and inspires me like true art should. This is the way I feel about Van Gogh and Sondheim and Motzart. My soul sways and I’m floating at the beauty. It’s been a long time since something has moved me like that. I love the cloud photos and the water with the blues he plays with and the landscapes. I’m partial to his B&W shots too. I love B&W photography with the shadows and the pure stark reality. Can’t hide in candy colors. I respect that.

I don’t know names of painting or movements in music. But I know what I like. I love his work.

Haven’t been able to truly write for months. With the med changes, I could barely make posts here. I was just starting to learn Italian when it all hit. Have to go back to lesson one. 😦  I’m not giving up though.

Hopefully, that will change. My friend was editing some of my stuff until she had an operation. Have to send a Marco Polo her and see how she’s doing.

Ciao