death · Meds · Poetry

The Inevitable

The Inevitable

She stands in red

While the world sees black

Veiled and hidden

She shall  smile no more

cry often

and gently fade away.

 

DIH 11/27/18

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Meds

Pondering about Love.

I’ve always pictured myself as a spinster.

Never finding that person to share a lifetime with no matter how short or long.

I don’t like one night stands.

I don’t like players or games.

I don’t like gaudy displays.

Or conceited egos.

Just to have someone to talk with and walk with and tell me I’m their own.

As the poem goes, would be nice.

Something someone said put these things in my mind

Making me wonder if I’m meant to be alone.

I write of soulmates.

Is that childish? Made from fairytales and other dreams.

I write of the little prince.

Which has nothing to do with riches or titles.

Rather with loneliness

From the children’s tale. The Little Prince.

And I being the fox, his friend.

I believe love and friendship should be one.

Your mate should be your best friend.

I fall in love too easy

Just to be hurt when they say goodbye.

Sex to me isn’t a sport.

So I guess I’m outta the whole LOVE game.

Back to being a Spinster….

DIH-11/23/18

anxiety · Meds · Poetry · Thoughts

What does today bring me?

(free thoughts)

Took a miserable nap

It didn’t

do much good

Spent a miserable hour

eating chips and drinking tea

Such turmoil and hatred

flung like nets set to catch something desired

muck covered and ragged

I watch this day become a mishappen whore

Despite it’s appearance

It is still desired

SUN GO DOWN

Forget the past events

the turmoil and anger

The words flung and volcanos erupting

Everyone feels they have the right to voice their opinion

In a free country it’s everyday

Just not at the expence of others

Do no harm

It’s been a rats nest of death, hatred, barbed words and filth

Clean it up!

DIH 11/12/2018

Meds

Mindless

Your illness can project ideas in your head. Making it unsafe for you on the internet. If it seems impossible. It probably is. A little depressed. Feeling stupid. Not feeling safe. Wishing I could know that the person I talked to on the net was real. My spider sense says it was all bullshit. If it was JL, than just talk to me. What’s the real chances of that happening. Silly silly girl.

bipolar · depression · Life · Meds · mental health · mental illness

Negative Thoughts

I realize that for me the best way to get something out of your thoughts is to write. It doesn’t have to make sense at the time. It doesn’t have to be grammatically perfect. You just need to put pen to paper and stop it from repeating in your skull.

Negative thoughts are the most damaging. I’ve grown up expecting the worst because the ‘best’ never seemed to happen. I am trying to shake this process. Remembering that what comes will come. That what is simply is and I have no control over it.

Taking it moment by moment again. Beginning from November of last year the present day has been hellish. October is particularly rough.

I still don’t know why I struggle during this month. It’s been that way for a long time. Dipping into my toolbox and using everything I can to survive these next few months. The lightbox, CBD, therapy, meds and my friend.

I tend to get very lonely around the holidays. Most of us do. My mother is still with me. But I will be missing my brother immensely. So much death surrounding my family. Sickness and bad luck. I used to think we were cursed.

I don’t know what to think anymore. I pray for the peace of mind and body and peace within my soul. I will do what I need to do in order to remain in a positive ‘healthy’ state. Limiting somethings and erasing others altogether.

I accept who I am and have the wisdom to know the difference. Reality checks help with the latter.

depression · lyrics and music · Meds

Temple of Alanis

Not As We

by Alanis Morissette / Guy Sigsworth

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour
Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I’m barely making sense
For now,  I’m faking it
Till I’m pseudo making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as I and not as we
Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand
Feign brave with steel intent
Little and hardly here
Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I’m barely making sense
For now, I’m faking it
Till I’m pseudo making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as I and not as we
Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God’s taking bets
I pray He wants to lose
Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I’m barely making sense
For now, I’m faking it
Till I’m pseudo making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as I and not as we
Songwriters: Alanis Morissette / Guy Sigsworth
Not as We lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

 

I’ve been playing this over and over..See the post before this one to understand. I better go to bed.

 

anxiety · depression · Meds · mental health · mental illness

Lesson One

Just like the song that speaks of ‘false confidence.’ I fell into it last night. Like an idiot, I missed my night meds and am up crying and listening to Patsy Cline. My go-to for depression.

It wasn’t until I FINALLY pulled myself out of bed that I realized last nights meds waving at me. Doh!

So many of us hiding behind masks. So many of us who couldn’t function without meds for whatever the reason. Migraines, depression, Insomnia, Anxiety, blah blah blah.

I am not in a good place. I’m safe but feeling rather shitty towards people in general. So I’ll stay off Social Media. Stay indoors etc. Which is cool cause it’s getting cold here. Canceled everything and put on my wireless headphones and am currently worshipping at the Alanis Morrissette Temple. That’s what the playlist is called.

The first song played is the one my ex-best friend and I shared. Tears, anger, self-hatred. That was me, not the song. I’m good with low-self-esteem and self-hatred. Majored in them both at the same time. Aced them both. Thanks for that mind fuck Dad. All mental abuse folks. What gets me is that they are ‘supposedly’ unaware of the damage they do to you and how it lingers. Whoever ‘they’ are in your life.

Every time you feel like you’ve got the hold of it and you can move forward with your life.  Stress or life will screw you over and you’re on the bottom step again. Finnegan Begin-again.

Faking it until I’m making it today. I’m not manic. Just depressed, I’m used to that so I can handle this shit. Pseudo-making it? Is that a word?

It’s cold in here now so I’ll wrap this up. Take your vitamins kiddies and eat your Wheaties. In other words, don’t miss a mother fucking dose of meds if you can help it. It’ll come back to bite your ass off and make you type lots of curse words.