bipolar · Life

More for me

 

savannah-bird-girl-statue

 

 

Since writing my obsessive post about ‘heart pull’ I’ve been able to refocus on “me.” Went for a wonderful walk yesterday, visited Mom and realized the huge amount of writing I need to get down to and stop bullshitting my time away.

It’s a fine line sometimes with BiPolar. Which is why I come here to get obsessive thoughts both positive and negative out of my head. Once they are written down I am better equipped to deal with them. Reality checks are a must. You have to be able to have that sounding board that says, ‘ok. here are the facts and this is what your mind says.’ If writing it down helps the process, then that’s the way to go if you don’t have a close friend or someone you trust.

I care about this person. I’ll leave it at that.

I’m a work in progress. I figure that’s the case with many people. My mental health comes first. Reality checks. Physical health and taking care of my family. If I don’t take care of myself I can’t care for my Mother.

I’m about to go out for my walk etc. Just wanted to get this out of my mind. The heart still pulls, but it’s not an obsessive one. I’m not an obsessive person. I just love too deeply.

I prefer the concept of two individuals who have found each other and enjoy their company enough to want to be together. I don’t want to lose myself in a man. Or a man to feel he needs to lose himself in me. Love me, love yourself, be yourself and we’ll be fine. Now just to find that.

I like my alone time. That’s something that some have found it hard to accept.

It’s a balancing act for as long as we’re here.

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Life · short stories · writing

Time To Do What I do best

God gives us gifts. I believe this. It can be something as simple as being able to tell a joke or being a good friend or listener.

It’s a gift. You don’t have to be a genius. Just you.

I need to stop being lazy. I got my manuscript back but I haven’t look at all the corrections I need to make. Or how much work I still need to put into it.

I’ve finished reading all 600+ chapters of the Manga BLEACH. I’m pretty proud of that because most people give up not even half way through. SO. Time to stop finding diversions and plot time to write and do just that.

No matter as loud the neighbors are, the lord blessed me with headphones and a lot of Mozart.

So tomorrow I’ll walk. Visit Mom and write… I love to write. Published or not. Gods gift was my ability to write and I’ve wasted it long enough. I’m not getting any younger.

bipolar · depression · Life · Meds · mental health · mental illness

Negative Thoughts

I realize that for me the best way to get something out of your thoughts is to write. It doesn’t have to make sense at the time. It doesn’t have to be grammatically perfect. You just need to put pen to paper and stop it from repeating in your skull.

Negative thoughts are the most damaging. I’ve grown up expecting the worst because the ‘best’ never seemed to happen. I am trying to shake this process. Remembering that what comes will come. That what is simply is and I have no control over it.

Taking it moment by moment again. Beginning from November of last year the present day has been hellish. October is particularly rough.

I still don’t know why I struggle during this month. It’s been that way for a long time. Dipping into my toolbox and using everything I can to survive these next few months. The lightbox, CBD, therapy, meds and my friend.

I tend to get very lonely around the holidays. Most of us do. My mother is still with me. But I will be missing my brother immensely. So much death surrounding my family. Sickness and bad luck. I used to think we were cursed.

I don’t know what to think anymore. I pray for the peace of mind and body and peace within my soul. I will do what I need to do in order to remain in a positive ‘healthy’ state. Limiting somethings and erasing others altogether.

I accept who I am and have the wisdom to know the difference. Reality checks help with the latter.

depression · Life · mental health

Short reality check

You can really get your mind mixed up sometimes. Reality, dream, crushes, and life. Sometimes you just need to be someone besides yourself. Especially when you’re alone. You can build a base of friends who can be there to help you when times are rough.

But that is hard if you don’t have the types of friends who understand what you are going through on a daily basis. There are times they can’t be there and you have to fly solo. As long as it’s a safe flight.

Did a lot of deleting today. Trying to get back into a state of ‘being.’ Hoping for the best. That’s all I can do right now.

I don’t want to go into details. I’m too smart to do what I did. But sometimes you are weak and alone and you just want a friend. When there are none to be found.

One day I will be totally alone. I don’t know what the hell I am going to do then. Therapy can only take you so far. The same with medication.

I’m not depressed. Just making a short reality check.

dating · Life · mental health · mental illness · Self Image

Walking Blindly

I love walking. Now that I’ve said it, I will probably stop. I tend to do the opposite of what someone notices about me once they notice. I doubt that’s a rebellious side, but who knows.

I spent four hours chasing Pokemon today. It was fun. I seldom have fun. Shame is that it was alone.

I’m getting tired of being alone. In all aspects. I’m getting tired of rejection from faceless strangers on IG simply because I won’t play their game.

I consider myself to be a lady and expect to be treated like one. I guess we’re a dying breed of female.

I feel a little depression coming on and I know the trigger so I’m knocking out early and deep.

Some tunes and a little taste of oblivion.

Today wasn’t a complete loss. I got a shiny Pokémon who is very powerful.

Here’s the catch, I have no one to share my adventures with concerning the game. My bestie is trying to get a understanding of the game. Which is cool.

Needless to say I’m not your average woman. Some people can’ handle that. I speak my mind, have my own opinions and strange behavior outside of the BiPolar. A dark quirky sense of humor and other things. A different, yet complete package which no one wants.

FACT.

P.S. I’m considering getting involved in some advocacy again. This one is about mental illness which is something I am passionate about, although it may seem like I don’t care much about things. I give more than one shit about our planet. It’s just hard to join the fight when you spend most of your energy staying out of the nut ward.

Did some poetry on BiPolar Slip my other blog. It’s sexual. Nuf said.

Cilantro

bipolar · dating · Life · Meds

Nothing serious.

Where to go with the subject of sex? I won’t delve too deep. With BiPolar it can go one way or the other. Hot or cold or maddening.

I have been hypersexual. That’s when I lock myself inside. Ideas come to mind and safety goes out of the window. Hypersexual for me is when your libido just can’t be satiated. And experimentation takes over.

I’ve been very lucky and mindful when it comes to that phase of BiPolar. When your libido is in control and your heart has very little to do with it. Simply, you can ruin your life or end it.

Medication can make things run so cold you forget you have reproductive organs. And it doesn’t bother you much. Unless you’re married or involved. A lot of people don’t take meds because it can kill your sex life.

There are some which increase the desire and others which keep things the same.

Your mileage may vary.

My new med has awakened me once again. A bit of a dilemma seeing that I’m alone. I manage.

I said I wouldn’t delve too deep. So I’ll end it here. I have issues with sex. I would need someone who understands and can work with me through the phases. Not easy to find.

As I said before, I see myself as a spinster. I won’t resign myself to be with someone simply to say I have someone. I want love, I’ve been through too much in my life to settle for less.

I’m a work in progress. It may have been a late start at least it has started.

 

 

Life · lyrics and music · mental health · relationships · Self Image

Both Sides…

Knocked back by a cold for a few days. I must admit once you start walking daily its hard to stop. Even while I was sick I just wanted to walk and be out in the air. I did go out. Bundled up while taking short walks and napping once I got home. I was exhausted, but I just NEEDED to walk.

Mentally things are fine. Physically things are fine. Emotionally things are confused.

Trying to figure out what I want in life. Do I want to remain alone? I had resigned myself to being a spinster. That sister/daughter who never married or had children.

At first, the thought made me sad. But there’s a freedom to being alone and a loneliness. It’s the emptiness that kills you. When you want to talk to someone and no one is there. So you pick up the phone and everyone is busy with their family and work.

So what do you do? Where do you go when life is just YOU and it’s not enough.

Do you rush into a relationship just to have someone? Or rekindle an old flame in hopes it stays lit this time. Knowing there was a reason it failed in the first place. But it’s better than the hollow feeling in your chest. Maybe.

I figure I’ll be alone. Not because I’m damaged goods like I used to think. My mental illness doesn’t mean I’ll never find love. Nor am I damaged because of it. If there is someone out there for me or not… I’ll survive.

I had a love. A possibility of having a life with someone who loved me. Or I thought I did. God had other plans and I thank him/her for it.

I realized that when I wrote to him that I was not able to have children and he didn’t want me anymore. All those feelings and empty promises were just that, empty. If I couldn’t breed I was useless. He’s the one who’s useless.

I could get angry. I could hate. Instead, I’ve been spared. Thank you, Lord. He didn’t truly love me. If he did, I wouldn’t be writing this post. A woman’s not a breeding machine. I would have loved to have a child. It just wasn’t meant to be. So be it.

If I find someone who wants this whole beautiful package, we’ll adopt a child or two.

Wow, I called myself beautiful. I’ve never done that before in my life. It’s not a physical beautiful I’m writing about it’s everything I have to offer to a true love. I guess I’m a romantic. Everything I have to offer as a person is what makes this beauty. It’s a fifty-year long journey.

I’m listening to the song, “Both sides now.” by Joni Mitchell

I guess that’s what this post is about. Looking at things from both sides and realizing you really don’t know what you thought you knew.

Age brings a wisdom and acceptance which youth can never fathom.

I’m glad I’m still here.