bipolar · dating · Life · Meds

Nothing serious.

Where to go with the subject of sex? I won’t delve too deep. With BiPolar it can go one way or the other. Hot or cold or maddening.

I have been hypersexual. That’s when I lock myself inside. Ideas come to mind and safety goes out of the window. Hypersexual for me is when your libido just can’t be satiated. And experimentation takes over.

I’ve been very lucky and mindful when it comes to that phase of BiPolar. When your libido is in control and your heart has very little to do with it. Simply, you can ruin your life or end it.

Medication can make things run so cold you forget you have reproductive organs. And it doesn’t bother you much. Unless you’re married or involved. A lot of people don’t take meds because it can kill your sex life.

There are some which increase the desire and others which keep things the same.

Your mileage may vary.

My new med has awakened me once again. A bit of a dilemma seeing that I’m alone. I manage.

I said I wouldn’t delve too deep. So I’ll end it here. I have issues with sex. I would need someone who understands and can work with me through the phases. Not easy to find.

As I said before, I see myself as a spinster. I won’t resign myself to be with someone simply to say I have someone. I want love, I’ve been through too much in my life to settle for less.

I’m a work in progress. It may have been a late start at least it has started.

 

 

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Life · lyrics and music · mental health · relationships · Self Image

Both Sides…

Knocked back by a cold for a few days. I must admit once you start walking daily its hard to stop. Even while I was sick I just wanted to walk and be out in the air. I did go out. Bundled up while taking short walks and napping once I got home. I was exhausted, but I just NEEDED to walk.

Mentally things are fine. Physically things are fine. Emotionally things are confused.

Trying to figure out what I want in life. Do I want to remain alone? I had resigned myself to being a spinster. That sister/daughter who never married or had children.

At first, the thought made me sad. But there’s a freedom to being alone and a loneliness. It’s the emptiness that kills you. When you want to talk to someone and no one is there. So you pick up the phone and everyone is busy with their family and work.

So what do you do? Where do you go when life is just YOU and it’s not enough.

Do you rush into a relationship just to have someone? Or rekindle an old flame in hopes it stays lit this time. Knowing there was a reason it failed in the first place. But it’s better than the hollow feeling in your chest. Maybe.

I figure I’ll be alone. Not because I’m damaged goods like I used to think. My mental illness doesn’t mean I’ll never find love. Nor am I damaged because of it. If there is someone out there for me or not… I’ll survive.

I had a love. A possibility of having a life with someone who loved me. Or I thought I did. God had other plans and I thank him/her for it.

I realized that when I wrote to him that I was not able to have children and he didn’t want me anymore. All those feelings and empty promises were just that, empty. If I couldn’t breed I was useless. He’s the one who’s useless.

I could get angry. I could hate. Instead, I’ve been spared. Thank you, Lord. He didn’t truly love me. If he did, I wouldn’t be writing this post. A woman’s not a breeding machine. I would have loved to have a child. It just wasn’t meant to be. So be it.

If I find someone who wants this whole beautiful package, we’ll adopt a child or two.

Wow, I called myself beautiful. I’ve never done that before in my life. It’s not a physical beautiful I’m writing about it’s everything I have to offer to a true love. I guess I’m a romantic. Everything I have to offer as a person is what makes this beauty. It’s a fifty-year long journey.

I’m listening to the song, “Both sides now.” by Joni Mitchell

I guess that’s what this post is about. Looking at things from both sides and realizing you really don’t know what you thought you knew.

Age brings a wisdom and acceptance which youth can never fathom.

I’m glad I’m still here.

Life · mental health

Trying

Positivity is something that is new to me. I have grown up with nothing but negativity in my mind and in my life. No wishes just dreams and reality. When you are poor. You don’t expect the best to come. You don’t expect to win. You hope to make it to the next day.

Our parents begin to feed us negative thoughts at an early age. They may want the best for us which is the step up from where they were, but big dreams are just that. Dreams. So the negative song plays for years in your head and it takes years of therapy until you can finally say “Yes, it could happen.”

Each day I wake up with what I am going to do that day in my head and by completing it, no matter how small. It is a positive thing.

Positive people help keep negativity at bay. Negativity breeds hardship. Positivity creates hope.

DIH

Life

Cold

It’s cold today  which is cool since it’s autumn. Can’t wait for the trees to change color. Hoping to get some good pictures. I’m stuck in bed with a cold. Gotta be careful cause it easily can turn to pneumonia. That’s how I roll.

Snuck out for a walk. I say snuck cause I got yelled at yesterday by my mother and bestie for my long walk with this cold. Eighty year old mother grounded her fifty-one year old daughter. Saw how long that lasted…

I know they’re right. So I’m in the bed until I go see Halloween. The new and last one. I love scary movies.

Bored, yet stable. I’ll take it.

But I realllllllly wanna go for a walk.

Meds

Two empty people

If two empty people join.

Will they make a whole?

Or just a bigger hole.

You never know until you try.

They may seem amazing. You may seem curious.

You never know unless you try.

They may loose each other. Return to being empty.

Apart.

You’ll lose a chance. You’ll lose a way to fill that emptiness.

Do you resign yourself to yourself?

Just being.

Consider it. I did.

‘Til there was you.

DIH

10/14/18

Poetry

I fell in love with a stranger – Poem

I FELL IN LOVE WITH A STRANGER

He took me by the hand

Praised my mind and my ego

Made me feel special and wanted.

 

Feelings unknown to me before.

I wouldn’t care if my stranger directed traffic.

I was falling in love with the idea of him.

 

He twisted my heart

A lonely one.

Which he knew was easy to turn.

And I fell in love with the idea of him.

 

“Grab my hand and let’s dance in the rain

I’ll lead and try not to step on my feet.”

 

There were no hands to grasp.

Not a cloud in the sky.

Just my foolish heart reaching for a stranger

Being played by a fantasy.

 

Visualization can be misleading.

 

DIH 10/13/2018

Life · mental health · Thoughts

I love my bed. I love to dream

I try to stay out of bed during the daytime. No TV in the bedroom. Just a stereo, books and furniture. Oh yeah and my bed. My wonderful, firm/soft mattress and fluffy pillows all for me.

I love my bed because I love to sleep. Perchance to DREAM. Dreaming is the most incredible experience when you think of it. Sometimes you get the weird ones or occasional nightmares. The majority of times I get great adventures and dreams of those who have passed dropping in to say hello and they love me. Those are the best.

Then there are my Indiana Jones dreams. Lifelike adventures complete with battles against the bad guy. Those dreams are so realistic I hate to wake up.

There was a time my bed was a retreat from the world. Nineteen hours of sleep and not a dream to be had. That was over twenty years ago. There are times I want to retreat to the bed again. I fight it. Distract and live life.

For the first time in many years, I feel alive again. Clear and ready to do things I haven’t done before. I am so thankful.