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The way things are and the way things seem are two different things. There are times that you feel people are doing things JUST to annoy or impress or in spite of you. Like your upstairs neighbor for example. Are they are really that noisy? Or do they only get that way when you are at home.

Other people’s actions. My mind is hung up on the delusion that my neighbors make noise specifically to disturb me. Following me from room to room and settling down directly over my head when I am trying to sleep. That they are doing it to show me that they are in control of the building and that I have no power or say over things.

I have to remind myself that the world does not revolve around my actions. People are so hung up on themselves, that my life is the furthest thing from their minds. They are hung up on bills and their own problems and couldn’t give me a second thought.

My paranoia is on high alert and I have to bring it down to reality. Of course, my neighbors seem to only make noise when I am home. Because that is the only time I can hear it. When I am home.

Who knows what they do when I am out. Who cares. I need to concentrate on ME. Not what I think others are thinking or doing or whatever. I need to keep safe by being aware, but not paranoid of my surroundings.

Wanting to be a wallflower and then being told by others that I “STAND OUT” in a crowd, simply sucks. Being told that I am approachable when I want to be left alone. Things like that feed on me. But there are others who wish they were approachable or stood out in a crowd. It’s no fun.

And yet I am nowhere in my life. I’ve got one talent and it seems that when someone tells me about it, I shut it down. I don’t want attention. No matter how much joy it brings me. So I distract myself by reading Manga or watching movies or re-runs.

I use to think that no matter what I did, I couldn’t please my father. So why bother trying. So I didn’t. Now it seems that enjoying something in my life feels wrong. So I don’t do it.

There’s something in there, I haven’t figured it out yet, but there’s something in there I need to decode and disperse.

 

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