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They’ve got me believing that it’s ALL me. Which has made me quite paranoid and wreaked havoc with my self esteem.

Has me believing that I am so full of fault and misshapen, that no one will have me. As if that is the purpose of life.

One must go forth and multiply. Man is a social animal. There is someone out there for everyone.

I kinda believe that, when I see ugly people in groups. Oh, yeah, I forgot. EVERYONE is BEAUTIFUL. ( Said the ugly person). And you know who you are; and there are ugly babies too. I’ve seen a couple. I just say… interesting or say ‘how precious’. More like ‘my precious’.

But I digress.

Maybe it is me. Maybe it’s the time of the year that has finally gotten to me. You look at 360 plus days and wonder, what the fuck have I been doing?

Then you look at your age and your ‘stuff’ and wonder… Do I really need more? And then something breaks and damn, gotta replace that. So yeah, I need more stuff, especially when Apple holds a conference.

I wonder if these past few years, days, moments have been for naught. Always liked that word, ‘naught’. Nothing.

I try not to measure my life by achievements compared to others and standards set by society. “I am my own creation”.

Am I really that brave to make such a statement? Sitting alone on holidays and never having enough money to see a movie in the theaters. At $15 a pop, who does?

When you’re living off of Ramen noodles, that’s two weeks worth of meals. Priorities.

I seem to get unbalanced and lonely around the end of the year. So do I get drunk and go out and get laid. Risking my life if there are no condoms around. Lord knows pregnancy is out of the question. Powdered eggs via menopause.

Am I the reason I am alone?

When we were together (friends), things were great. We never argued, you hated that, you felt it wasn’t a relationship unless I was bitchy and argued. Now I see the type of women you are use too, I should have been a fucking blessing. Showing you that all women aren’t bitches who lie and spend your money.

Rather that some of us are equals and partners.

But that scared you. So you just ‘left’. And refused to give a reason to anyone.

So of course I blame myself. Like any child would.

And then there’s the loner. “I’m just a loner”. Please. Lets add a ‘oos’ to that word and kick the “n” the fuck out of there.

Why do I find myself falling into the thought pit of rejections by past lovers and friends?

Every 365 days, I sit here and find it all in my lap. And an Appletini in my hand.

While everyone else is still high on turkey and eggnog, stretching out the party for a month or two. Culminating in one massive ejaculation called…

New Years!

An excuse to miss work, get drunk, have sex and celebrate the  minute possibility that you might actually do something RIGHT next year, at least ONCE.

Yeah, that’s worth a drink.