Let’s take a look at this, all of it and try and make some sense of it all.

They tell you God gives you only as much as you can handle, I believe that to some extent. Because when I was molested, I couldn’t handle it as a child, so I didn’t remember it until I was an adult and could cope with the memory. That’s 25 years. So for me, there’s some truth to this.

Then I look at me life now, how my mother is being spun around by the very pill which will save her life. Femara or Letrozole. It’s a pill you take after you’ve had breast cancer, to help keep you from getting cancer again.

The side effects are insane. I’ve been thru some side effects over these 25+ years of skipping down the mental illness medication road. So I understand what its like, but it’s hard for a 78 year old woman to handle, but the alternative isn’t even an option.

My Sjogren’s is having its way with me. The pain and flare ups are sending me to bed for the day. There are days where I feel like my old self, so I over do it without realizing it and I end up back in bed.

“A man’s gotta know his limitations.”

So does a woman. I’m learning, the hard way. But there are times you have to push thru, because there’s no one else there to do what needs to be done. So I suffer.

On the mental illness front, depression, anxiety, SAD, and light box heaven. I’ve got a light box now and it’s helping. My Latuda is helping, I know this because with all the stress I feel from the Sjogren’s and dealing with my mother, I know I would be in the hospital.

I love my mother. Don’t get me wrong, but when you’ve got your own shit and you have too deal and ease and help others deal with theirs, because they are in a position where they are clueless. You just keep moving forwards.

So, I must be Hercules, because I am still here and things are still being piled upon my shoulders and I WILL NOT BREAK.

I may cry, but that’s only human.

A poem I wrote today:

Tightrope

Smile the widest smile and laugh the loudest

Give until it hurts, because it will hurt

it always hurts.

Joke about your past mistakes and losses

Lighten the mood.

Slip in a true feeling, a simple one, ever so slightly, the smallest utterance.

So no one will notice.

Can’t be caught with emotions exposed

For they will rip them and tear them from you like a slaughtered lamb

And we can’t have that.

Never expose the true pain

Numb it with alcohol, pills, work

and hours of sleep.

Hide it inside, the raw feelings, failures and losses

About to burst.

Let no one see, let no one know

Lest it all goes… poof.

DIH 12/09/15

 

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