Some days have been better than I expected. I actually did something social. For someone with Social Anxiety, it was a major accomplishment. I didn’t set out to do this, it just came to mind.
I went to the Fourth of July parade, alone. I walked slowly up the hill, watching each step and being mindful of my feelings. I told myself if I felt too overwhelmed, I had the option of turning back around at any time. No responsibility to show up and pretend to enjoy myself.
But I did enjoy myself, the bands, the children and the people. Everyone was so kind to each other and the kids. They enjoyed the candy being thrown and the music and groups dancing.
I even filmed a few things, here’s a few.
I really liked these guys, image doing this dance in the rain for over 1 mile.
Groups were throwing candy and I was collecting it for me and the children. I also got a shirt for a little girl who was ever so grateful.
It felt good.
Sometimes, I felt like this guy,
There, but not really there. Either way, I was exhausted when I got home, but I really don’t think I fully appreciate what I’ve accomplished in one day.
A crowd of people didn’t scare me. Loud noise and laughter didn’t make me paranoid. I didn’t feel like I was being watched or judge, I was just there and nothing mattered but the moment.
I even talked to people and clapped and just ‘let me be me’ without fear.
Of course, I took an Oxy for the pain and a clonopin for the anxiety before I left. And they worked without making me a zombie.
One day gave me hope. Hope that one day I could do something else social, without falling apart.
Social anxiety has kept me indoors for years. Building a world where I don’t have to go out and ‘mingle’. It still scares me, but I try not to think about it too much.
Something to ponder.