depression · Life


Had a bitter “IM” battle last night with an ex-friend. She still can’t spell. I could be bitchy about the whole thing, but I am just feeling NOTHING this morning. I was full of anger and wanted a good cat fight last night.

But this morning I just don’t feel a thing. My mind is empty and I could care less about seeing or hearing from anyone. I think this started earlier in the week.

I was and did go see Les Miserables in New York on Weds. My friend was more excited about it than I was, even though somewhere inside, I knew I was, but it just couldn’t scratch it’s way too the surface. I had a good time, laughed and felt the cast was incredible. I think I expected more, since I knew all the songs from the original cast performance. The lead met my expectations, but Epionine (SP) fell flat. And I think that ruined it for me.

Its like reading a book and then seeing the movie and everything is flat afterwards. The book was better type thing.

But I can’t blame the play or the company. I just don’t “FEEL” today. I am empty and dead. I don’t see any future for myself. I see nothing ahead for me, just meandering thru days until death. And it doesn’t bother me.

I have no passion, poem ideas fleet thru my mind, but I have no desire to go further than one line. I want too write my screenplay, but I can’t… I am empty of thought.

Tried pleasuring myself last night and declared it a waste of time. I have no interest in sex, friendship, life, food. The only thing which brings a smile to my face is watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race”.

There are shows on my DVR which I should have watched months ago, but instead I watch re-runs of Law & Order and Charmed each morning and play Animal Crossing: New Leaf on my Nintendo all day. Mindless, thoughtless activities I could do in my sleep.

Which is why I didn’t put a TV in my bedroom. Or I would be in the bed all day, surfing for things on tv which didn’t require attention to watch, repeats and the murder channel, that ID channel with shows about the horrors of life.

I now have to make breakfast, so I can take my pills. Then off to the post office. My head hurts.

I know what this is, I’ve been thru it before and it passes, maybe. I guess it passed, but I didn’t notice or maybe it’s just degrees of Anhedonia: Loss of Joy, yup that’s it, joylessness in existence. I wouldn’t go too far and call this a life.


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