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I wonder what to do with my life or what my life will become sometimes. I envision myself older, grayer and alone. Moving slower, doing small things and being tired and resting all the time.

You see and hear about seniors ‘out there’ in the world living exciting lives and being ACTIVE.

But it’s hard to be active when you are so damned confused all the time. When you hurt every day, and you are going thru a process of getting your body to a state of ‘normalcy’.

Sjogren’s Syndrome is a bitch with no name. You mention it and nobody knows what you’re talking about. If you say arthritis, they get it. But Sjogren’s. NOPE. It’s an autoimmune disease which can effect your organs and is more than just dry mouth and eyes.

For me, its constant joint pain, in my hips and swelling knees and stiff knees like boards. Some mornings I’m fucking walking like Frankenstein. Living off of pain killers and Tylenol is not what I thought getting older was all about.

I’m glad I’m still here. The BiPolar hasn’t done me in, I’ve found the right meds for the moment and I say moment because they tend to quit on me.

Now I have the Sjogren’s and the lack of a thyroid to deal with and its all becoming so complicated, with the brain fog (forgetfulness and losing your train of thought or what you were going to say next). It’s embarrassing and frustrating.

I’m afraid I’ll never be able to read my poetry out loud again, because my vocal chords still hurt. And I have to rest them, I still haven’t gotten my old voice back. I go to speak and sound like a toad.

This is not growing old gracefully. And I’m not even 50 yet.

This is not fun.