Underneath this controlled mood, lies a raging stream. Crashing against rocks and fallen trees. With small pools of calmness between trapped pieces of nature.
I have been cycling for about a week. Underneath my pharmaceutical calmness, I know I’m cycling. It peeks thru and I react and I can feel it trying to come to the surface like a whale breaching.
But I take my meds religiously. They are the only thing between me and death or an institution or jail. BiPolar cycling can take you there and it’s a scary place to be.
The holidays were hard. Feeling and being alone for Christmas. Mom doesn’t celebrate. Brother does, but he never invites me. Besides, he’s going thru marital hell right now.
Maybe its good that I’m alone. Considering.
But underneath it all, it was hell. Pure hell. Fighting each day, just too keep it together. And appearing on the outside, like I don’t have a care in the world.
Now I find that I may have an autoimmune disease. Like this wasn’t enough for me. It may just be a scare, but it’s on my mind. So, I find myself wondering about the blessings and the balance. Good things come and bad things follow so you appreciate the good.
Or something like that.
Right now, they are constant joint pains in my hips. I can barely do 5k steps a day. But I know I need to walk. The weather isn’t cooperating, but I do what I can do.
I have to see a Rheumatoid doc and later in the month I find out about the blood work. CAT scans and Ultrasounds of my throat. I have nodules on my thyroids.
I don’t know what any of this means. Maybe that’s why I can’t lose weight. Maybe its why I still have depression despite the meds. Maybe it means nothing.
So, my body and my mind knows they are not in ship shape. Although after I moved, I felt ALIVE.
Now I feel like I’m approaching 90 instead of 48. Going to get final burial insurance in February. Not that I think I’m gonna die, just that I don’t want my corpse to be anyone’s burden to get rid of after I’m gone. I won’t know, but they will.
My mother had a partial masectomy in November. We are still working on getting her moving and getting her thoughts clear etc. It takes a lot out of your body and your mind. She had cancer and will have to be on meds for it for the rest of her life.
At least she’s still here.
And so am I.