I have hated myself since I was a child. I was too thin, then too fat and my knees wouldn’t bend all the way like everyone else’s did. Arthritis.
I was always finding some fault with myself. My siblings teased me mercilessly. I was over sensitive, my mom would say. She would yell at them for teasing me. But it really never stopped.
As I got older, the teasing turned into judgement. I was the odd one out. I took pride in that. I like being a misfit.
BECAUSE IN ALL YOUR LIFE, YOU WILL NEVER FIND ANOTHER PERSON, LIKE ME.
The individual, I praise it.
This would be nice if I didn’t hate myself. IF my father didn’t tease me in front of everyone and turn my efforts to lose weight into a joke. I hated him. The mental abuse was non stop. I could not please the man, so I just stopped trying.
The best thing he ever did for me, was to die. I was free.
Didn’t stop the self hatred, which turned into self harm once the BiPolar hit. No self confidence, low self-esteem, low self-image. Just Low.
I’m 47 years old. I’ve been battling this crap for years. I’m sure I’ve got more battles ahead, but right now.
At this moment. Today, at 12:52pm EST.
I don’t hate myself. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to harm myself or others. And I am just HERE.
Now, I’m going to play Farmville 2.
Tomorrow will be, what it will be and I will feel as I feel TOMORROW. And I’m not going to obsess on that to the point of an anxiety attack.
I’m in the moment. And it’s quite peaceful.