When I was a kid, I loved the see-saw. Going up and down with a friend who, hopefully wouldn’t jump off and let your ass hit the ground with a thump, was the most fun you could have on the playground. Apart from the Merry-go-round.
I live my life on a see-saw. There are times, I can deal with it. Up and down, up and down. But imagine doing this 365 days out of the year, never stopping, never knowing if someone was gonna jump off while your UP and you CRASH down with a back breaking THUD.
Sometimes it’s rapidly moving from mood to mood. Other times, it takes days or weeks. Each day, feeling yourself slip away and lower into more than just feeling blue, or out of sorts. Deeper than mildly down or just not yourself today.
You know you’re heading for full blown depression, and you just hope that it doesn’t last very long. That something will spring you back up, be it chemicals (meds) friends or just the whole cycle of BiPolar.
This is the second day I’ve felt like pieces of me are falling off. I’m fighting the negative thoughts. I’m getting to the point where, come hell or come high water… I just don’t care.
Everyday is a fight. I have to weed out the negative in order to let the positive things grow.
“One must cultivate his own garden.” – Voltaire
That alone is tiresome. Then I must deal with ‘living’ in the real world and functioning enough so I can keep myself clean, fed and housed. Just the basics, just the basics.
I don’t complain. Some people would explode. But I’ve been on this ride for over 20 years, and it’s just par for the course.
I never know when I’m going to come down, its part of the game too. Your friend holds you up on the see-saw for a long time and slowly, you begin to come down, but if the game is going good, you go right back up again.
I’m not talking manic, just ‘up’. Smiling. Living.
Like I said, I feel like pieces of my self or rather armor are falling off. The one I built in the hospital.
I’m tired. I don’t want to exercise. My sugar keeps dropping. I’m just not enjoying this ride.