Have you ever heard someone APOLOGIZING for having cancer or being diabetic? Sorry I’m BiPolar, I know it’s my fault and I should just suck it up and get on with life. My depression is an illusion and my mania is just a tool to get attention. So, I apologize and hope you can accept me for these faults… BULLSHIT.
It seems like this is what others want me to do. To see my mental illness as something I went out in search of and purchased. No one asks for depression. No one asks to have manic episodes or anxiety. It just happens, like any life changing illness. Wearing a scarf in the winter time couldn’t have changed a thing. I was 25 and suddenly, I was BiPolar and the bottom fell out of all I was planning to do with my life.
There are times I feel sadness, but underneath that is so much anger, i’ve yet to tap it. Something in my life I have no control over. And I hate that aspect.
I can take meds and do therapy to calm things down and make it an easier road to travel. But there are times when none of this matters and my mind goes, where my mind goes and I just have to catch up or pull back to keep from checking out or exploding. Medication stops working. Life events send you reeling. Coping mechanisms fail and you find yourself wondering, ‘what now?’
So I retire to bed and cry and isolate and wait it out. I have that luxury. I have no kids, no husband, no job, no dog, cat, bird. Nothing to depend upon me, but me. I get support from my Mom and a friend. But now, I’m in this alone. And sometimes, being alone and ill is the scariest thing ever.
Lets talk about relationships. I’ve never had a positive relationship in my life with the opposite sex. Abusive, bisexual, bipolar, whatever. That’s what I attract. And alcoholic.
Fragment sentences, I know. Its hard enough dealing with myself, than to hook up with someone else who is mentally ill, which has been an option. All my energy has to be put into keeping myself relatively ‘stable’.
But it is a lonely place. When you are taught from childhood to seek out the 3.5, picket fence, family/career lifestyle. Your mind fights those thoughts that you are a failure. Cause you don’t have these things in your life.
I wanted my tubes cut and burned when I found out I was Bipolar. There was no way I was going to run the risk of putting a person I loved thru the hell I was going thru. They wouldn’t do it, I was too young.
Now, I’m perimenopausal and I regret not having children. But, where would I have fit it in? Between being on psych wards or medication changes. There was a time I was stable and felt good about life and actually was out there making plans and doing things.
Then my uncle died and everything did a 360 and went upside down. Like I said, life events. Some people can handle them, but for me, there are times they are like a kick in the head.
I’m not ashamed of being Mentally Ill. If you ask, I’ll tell you. There is no shame, there is no blame. It is what it is, and I endure. There are some of us who don’t survive and kill themselves or refuse to take meds because of the side effects or can’t find one that works well enough. There are all kinds of reasons we quit life or choose to live in the illness, instead of taming the beast on a regular basis.
It’s a beast, it’s a demon, its hell. But I’m still here. Which makes me stronger than most and some, I work damn hard to even be able to breathe.
Is that something to be ashamed of???