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I am on Latuda. I have been taking it close to a year now and I’m still not sure if I will ever be stable. It has taken a long time to get to this point. Wherever THIS point is at the moment. My moods do fluctuate, not rapidly like in the past, but slightly. I am still prone to depressions, they can be deep and immobilizing, but they pass faster than before.

Other meds kept me on an even keel. This one, not so even. I’m on a pretty high dosage and still have to watch for side effects.

There are days I don’t want to take any pills. That I want to just quit trying to reach some type of normalcy, whatever that is…

I called in for a refill a day or two too late and couldn’t get my Latuda until 2pm. OMGag. Did I feel it. The whole world slowed to a crawl. My voice changed. Speech slurred. I vomited. I called and called and the delivery guy was still on the road. I was seriously suffering. All I could do was lay down and luckily, I went to sleep.

Here it is a day later and I can still feel the effects of an almost missed dosage. I need to take my meds upon rising, or else my body reacts. I know this, I can’t function without them. I have tried. I felt all sanity slowly slip away as my mind sped up. Like a blender. I wanted to scream. So I gave in.

I’m not one of those who can live without this poison. It’s a chemical imbalance of the brain. At least it is for me. No one knows why, how or when. But it just happened when I turned 25. Bam, I was BiPolar and life changed forever.

You have to reinvent yourself. Cause you will never be the same person you were before the illness begins. Sorry, it’s just the reality of the illness. I can’t remember who I was before. It’s been so long.

Some of the changes, I like. The clarity of what’s important vs. the illusion of possession and achievement. I don’t miss that.

But I do miss being able to trust my own intuition, thoughts, ideas and desires. You question everything. You have too.

It’s a process. Some of us survive and are lucky enough to find the right meds with the least amount of side effects. Others, well God bless their souls. They walk the streets, are institutionalized, abused or are lucky enough to be dead.

I would rather be dead than without my medication. In fact, I know I would be.

I cope. I’m not stable, or content. Which is what I am reaching for, but I am coping.

This is what my meds do for me.

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