anxiety · bipolar · mental illness · Self Image · social anxiety · symptoms · Thankfulness · Thoughts

The thread that runs thru everything

Bipolar doesn’t control my life, but it runs thru every aspect and action and thought that I have; everything I do. I find myself thinking, ‘it’s your illness, get a grip’. Or doing something that is, “illness” behavior. Kinda like an eating disorder thinking thing, I have that too. With the eating disorder you might think, ‘oh I can’t eat that, it’s has so many calories and I’ve eaten too many today and blah,blah, blah”.

For Bipolar the thoughts get more complex and turn into some domino effect and next thing  you know; you’re depressed or in the bed with the covers over your head.

I find it hardest to go outside and meet people. To extend myself past my safety zone. I’ve been rejected because of my illness, judged and stereotyped. Who hasn’t. But it’s not a reason to give up and give into this ‘thread’ that pops up to all I do and all I am.

I guess it comes with acceptance. And learning how to handle “IT” instead of it handling “YOU”. That takes time and lots of self talk and therapy and experience. I’ve had over 20 years to get here, and I’m not even there yet.

I have my days, but stability can slip away so easily. Medication failure, been there, done that; Traumatic experience, like a death. Been there also, the hardest part is the journey back and being mindful that you’re gonna have to second think a lot of your actions and decisions. I hate that part. But I have to think pro’s, con’s and am I manic?

Someone asked on a board if their Mental Illness was a blessing or a curse. I think it’s both. I never saw the world the same way as I do now. It was like a veil was lifted and everything was brighter and clearer and all the things I thought were important or was raise to believe were what I should aim for in life, were squashed in an instant. I became an independent thinker and I was no longer a ‘sheep’.

And then there’s the curse. But, I can deal with that. On a good day and even on an average one.


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