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I don’t handle rejection well, who does. Some people can brush it off and move on, but I know it hides deep down in some corner of their mind and soul and eats away at their self esteem and self hatred. Mine lies on the surface and destroys like acid. Which is why  I don’t date and I think is why I don’t extend myself but so far and keep too my safety zones. Home, doctors office and family. Although family can reject too.

I complain about being alone, and yet whenever I try to extend myself and find a new friend. It all falls apart. They reject me or don’t show up or I am triggered by their intentions. So I flee into myself and just say fuck it.

My friend for over 15 years recently did some shady crap. One move too many. She had done many things in the past but I just brushed them off as being ‘just her way’. I was and am so exhausted by her friendship. Too needy, too much drama, too much bitching about how ‘imperfect’ her life is and how she deserved more/better etc.

I don’t need to hear that crap, I’m fighting each day just to survive until tomorrow while you have a kid, a man, a secure living situation and anything you want, you get. And still you’re not satisfied. Don’t count or realize your blessings and blame and curse God when things don’t go your way.

I’ll never understand how I stayed in that friendship as long as I did. Even my mom said that and she’s usually right about these things.

So, back to rejection. I was stood up for a ‘hang out’ with a prospective friend. No call, nothing. So I went to a Diner and ate and got all anxious and went home. I’m not upset as I usually would be about the slight. But I still feel it.

Just realized the pianist in the video “Twisted” was Count Basie. Wow.

My meds have put 20 pounds on me, I really have to watch what I eat and avoid sweets of all kinds. Not being able to eat Gluten helps me keep away from cakes and cookies, I just have to be more diligent,

Exercise would help, but my knees are shot. Even after the replacements.

Getting tired of hitting brick walls and waiting for the kick in the head. Wish I had better things to write about, but this is just one of the slumps you fall into in life.

So, I’m slumpin’.

 

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