Why do I always assume that I have done something wrong. That “I” must have misspoke or reacted in the wrong way.

Everyone has their own crap. And when you communicate with them, it is filtered thru this crap and they come out with whatever this ‘crap’ has manufactured from the conversation.

I choose my words carefully. I insure that what I say is what I mean. And yet, I’m still misunderstood. Unbelievable.

You begin to wonder if ‘YOU’ are the problem. So, I asked people who know me, my therapist, my pdoc etc. and all agree. I’ve done nothing wrong. I can live with that…

Here’s the situation. A friend who is also BiPolar, but type I. Has been drifting away from our friendship for a long time. No personal visits, no quality time. Just the average everyday conversations. Except for one recently which went on for 8 hours and I fell asleep at 4am on them. I tried, but I passed out.

Anyways, pretty much I kept asking. “When can I see you?” I would always get the answer that they were too busy (understandable) or they don’t go out. Which is believable. And yet, later I would find that they have gone here and there and attended other social events. But, couldn’t come to see me for an hour.

Which leads me to believe that I’m not worth the effort.

So, one day I ask again about them coming to see me. I get a response of ‘Insanity is asking the same question over and over and getting the same response.’ So, I decided to stop asking.

I even told this person I felt I was in this friendship alone. Their response, I’m sorry you feel that way.

Now. I brought this up with my therapist. They said I should just let the friend know that I miss their company. I did that, and they turned ‘I miss my friend’ into a joke. Even laughed and said I was whining.

Messages on the social media about manipulative, whining people who need to shut up etc. I didn’t know who the friend was talking about. So, I didn’t respond.

Then, I tell them I’m going to have an operation, after trying to get in touch with them for a few weeks. And they blow up at me with, ‘you are so selfish. It’s always about you. You are manipulative. I don’t have time for your bullshit, I have enough of my own to deal with…”

This was enough for me. The avoidance, the verbal attack, the insinuating on facebook. All that shit. I unfriended them, deleted their email an their phone number and took down their picture. I don’t and didn’t deserve that kind of treatment.

It’s a simple thing. Something an apology could clear up. But, for some reason, this person has made it into something I don’t understand.

I told them, “I get it.” That you don’t want to be bothered by me. I told them good bye and that they should seek therapy. Mainly because I wouldn’t be there to talk to anymore.

Since then, I’ve tried to let this person know that, I was hurt. Am hurt. Just talk to me. That I was tired of being the understanding one etc.

Some emails were angry, like the last one. But, no name calling or cussing them out or anything. Just basically where I stood and how I felt.

Still, I get no response from this person on the subject. Until today. And this is what I get, thru FACEBOOK of all places.

My brother has put words to a situation I have been confronted with, but lacked his command to properly address all I had was the asperity of my ultimate disappointment and surrender to.

He said, “The shitty part of our “friendship” has now lasted longer than the good part.
But my words don’t affect you, so I guess it doesn’t matter what I say. Since I can’t find hope of resolution or even conversation between us, I will seek the comfort of my friends. You will have to settle for whatever comes of it. Ciao!”

Been there. It’s a sad reality but once the tipping point has come, it cannot be undone. All that is left is to walk on – hopefully stronger and wiser without being cynical. It suck but life requires we grow or die.

My point here is… What words. All I got was called names and silence.

I could chalk this up to BiPolar. And other issues. And I choose too.

The reason for making this post is to see if I’m missing something. Is it me?

I know I need to walk away and just let 10 plus years of friendship go. But, we’ve shared so much. It’s a shame…

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