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It’s time for me to make some changes. My illness does not rule my life. I need to go out and get one. One that I can live with and not someone elses idea of what I should be doing.

Called two people and left messages, just to annoy them. Cheery, happy messages. Just saying hello and hope you are doing fine. Those will be the last calls I place to people who don’t value my friendship and dismiss me.

My so called other bff, who is my god daughter’s mother. Didn’t invite me to any of the activities she planned for my god daughter’s thirteenth birthday. BUT, she invited a mutual friend. I wouldn’t have known about it, if the other friend hadn’t mentioned it.

First it was cutting me out of christmas with the child. Now it’s this. She has her boyfriend, a child and gets whatever she wants. Seriously. But, calls me all the time and whines about how overwhelmed and tired and unloved and bitches about her mother who just dropped a  couple of hundred on her for furniture. It makes no sense.

I get tired of her whining in my ear every single day. But, I’m not good enough to even consider asking to an important event like her child’s thirteenth birthday.

So, I let her have it. No lame ass excuses etc. I’m tired of not being considered important enough. I don’t need to be number one, I don’t want to be number one in their lives. Just remember I exist and deserve respect. Which is all I ever gave to them.

I’m not to be attacked verbally, or dismissed or forgotten about. I am a human being with feelings. I matter and it’s about  time people realize that.

So, as of Monday. I will start going out more, even if it’s on my own. To the library and hopefully to the YMCA to exercise. Gonna make a stop up there this week and check on my membership application.

I’m not looking for new friends. Just something to do besides sitting in the house and being bored and sleeping.

The Xanax is really helping me, but starting over after about a week of no pills has me sleeping all the time. I might need to taper down the dosage.

Mood wise, I’m good. Eating wise, it’s been three days of disaster. But, my head is clear again, so I’m gonna refocus and set things straight in that department.

I don’t need a man or person to define me. I am my own creation and worthy of respect. No more being the one who understands and just meekly accepts other people’s rules and desires. When is it my turn??? NOW!

I wonder how long this unmedicated mind dump will last? Gotta write some email…

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