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My mind is troubled, I am troubled. I need help and I’m glad I have therapy tomorrow.

My weight has become a major issue again. It’s affecting my knees. Yes, my brand spanking new knees. I need to loose some weight and alleviate some of the added stress. It’s bad enough they have binding issues. Don’t need to add more.

Problem is, I’m not sure how to go about doing this. Seriously. When you mind isn’t in top form. Concentration and determination and awareness suffer. I have an eating disorder. Compulsive overeating. I use to eat and not be aware that I ate and just eat all day. Inhaling food.

There are emotional reasons behind this, molestation and self esteem. Therapy has served me well, but now the need to graze to feel alive is back again. There is no way I can eat as much as I use too, because of the weightloss surgeries I’ve had, but I do pick comfort foods. High in carbs, which is something I need to avoid 100%.

I want fast results. But it’s not gonna come off overnight, and I have to accept that.

This is the problem I had from the very beginning. Diets don’t work for me. I can get a plan and start off great, but then I lose the ability to focus. My moods change and I can’t seem to get back on track. If I were truly stable and focused and could concentrate blah, blah, blah. But I’m not.

So, I have to develop an approach. Moment by moment. That’s ALL I can do right now. I’m stressing myself out with this and it’s sabotaging all efforts.

My knees are another story. I could walk better BEFORE surgery. Fluidly and for long distances. But I was in pain. Now, it’s the tightness and the discomfort. Saw my orthopedic surgeon and he says I’m doing the best I can with this issue. I believe this, the body can only do so much and my knees were a disaster before. Now, they’re just sad.

I’m not depressed. Just confused and overwhelmed.

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