As it stands

Still on the mend. My mood has been pretty O.K. It’s April tomorrow and Im slowly beginning to think I’ve got something else wrong with me.

Been having leg cramps from hell. Ruled out blood clots at a 5 hour ER stint. Have to see my ortho doc to find out what’s going on.

What do you say to someone who knows they are addicted to suicide attempts? Swallowing pills all the time. Then hoping that afterwards things will be different.

One day, there will be no ‘afterwards’. Just the afterlife.

I want to write about being ALONE. About the feeling that one day, I will lose all my immediate family and be left with nothing but younger cousins who have their own lives. I am the youngest and I’ve already lost my sister, father and two uncles. One recently.

Every now and then, I think. “My uncle is dead”. The world is so different without him, never imagined existence without him.

My mother has to have a mass removed from her breast, preventative to keep it from becoming cancer. Right now, it’s not.

She hates being put under, but she had a similar procedure done on her other breast years ago. Part of me is very scared of losing her, I don’t know what I would do. She is so special to me. I know without her, I won’t want to be here anymore. I know that I will have to go inpatient when she does go, in order to keep from offing myself.

I have no one. No lover, no children. There are times this is a blessing and times when it’s a curse. I no longer believe that one day I will have a husband and a child. I guess that’s old programming. I don’t have a career or any type of legacy. I’m pretty much just ‘here’.

Been in contact with my friend that I ended the friendship. We re-friended each other on FB, and have had a semi conversation. But I know it will never be what it use to be. More of an acquaintance now. I mourn the loss of the closeness and trust. But, it was probably necessary.

That’s enough for now.


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