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There are times I wish my mind were blank. I just had a very realistic dream and it’s still in my mind. I don’t like to dream about people who reject me. But sometimes, I do. And it just pisses me off.

I’m sipping coffee, listening to music, in pain and I’m scared. Not a good place to be. I sometimes wonder if my meds need adjustment. Lately my head has been a bit off. Confusion, anguish, panic. I know I’m very stressed right now, but I feel like something else is wrong.

I don’t know how to make all of this right. Everything feels like a clusterf*ck. I just feel so trapped by illness and circumstance.

I’m stable, but not. I sometimes wonder if there really is a straight plane to travel on when your BiPolar. Or if it’s something that the doctors want you to strive for, just to keep you busy.

The days of hallucinations are gone. The days of endless sleeping are gone. And I miss the sleeping all day, now I hardly sleep at all. I get eight hours, but they are broken up. An hour here and there.

The Xanax helps, but I don’t use it for sleep. Even if I take the just in case .5, I still don’t sleep thru the night.