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This post is about just that, female issues, so you are welcome to pass it by if you are not interested, I won’t be offended. I’m just trying to work out some things in my mind concerning my current situation and my gyn history. Trying to get a picture while I never have been able to have children etc.

Here’s some history. I was a premature birth. Some ‘things’ weren’t fully developed when I came out and my mom says she watched them grow or whatever as I got developed when I was a baby. I can remember being very young and having problems urinating. So my mom took me to a gyn, who had to open my urethra more, so I could go normally. An yes, it hurt.

I started my period at 12 and had horrible cramps for the longest time. Then when I was about 15 or so, I stopped menses. Doctor said it was because of my weight. So he put me on progesterone. I took it for one year and stopped. My period stayed.

In college and grad school, my period was very erratic. Sometimes I stopped for months. Then it would appear. Then I would have a period once a year for three days and that was it for a year. This went on for about five years. My weight was fine, so I didn’t think that was the situation.

When I finally could afford to see a gyn, she gave me a D&C and I’ve been regular since. Until the end of last year and recently.

I’ve never been heavily sexually active. But there are certain situations where I should have gotten pregnant, but haven’t. I’m wondering if I’ve never been able to conceive. Even before the cysts. I know I can still get pregnant with one ovary, but it’s much more difficult. Considering I’m perimenopausal, it’s very unlikely that I ever will.

Then there’s the fact that I don’t have a partner and the BiPolar. I would have to go off my meds for at least 4 months and I can’t picture that; I know I would be in pretty bad shape.

When I found out I was BiPolar, I told myself ‘no children’. I didn’t want to take the chance of having a child who would go thru the same hell I was going thru. Now I regret never having a child.

As I said, I’m just trying to figure some things out. My surgery is about a month away and I’m in pain.

Why do I associate being a woman with childbirth? Probably some programming from my youth. Somehow, I’ve got to get over this feeling of inadequacy as a female. Sex has never been pleasurable and now this. So why bother with the whole process… UGH…

I am such a clusterf*ck of symptoms and diagnoses.

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