To think, I woke up feeling pretty good today. Enough sleep, no stomach pains from not eating dinner. Positive frame of mind (that alone is a miracle) and not as spazzed as I have been lately.
I’m really not a negative person. I’m very supportive and positive. Glass half full kinda chic. It’s just that there are times my thoughts aren’t too great and this is where they come out. I wanted to show the reality of BiPolar, sometimes things are great, sometimes they are pure hell.
I could go on and on about how “It’s all temporary”. Which is something I live by and it helps me get thru soo much. Like the saying, “This too shall pass”. I get comfort just by reading it.
I needed a place where I could be honest with myself. And this is it.
BiPolar too me, is a blessing and a curse. I felt like I’d been let in on a huge secret that only a few on the planet knew existed. It was a new way of looking at life and people. I felt like I saw things for what they really were and not what I was expected to see them as; or taught too.
Gone were the ‘keeping up with the Neighbor’s’. And the whole everyone has it better than me crap. I realized that no one knows what really goes on in another person’s life. It may look so perfect on the outside, like Snow White’s Apple. But, bite into it and it all is crashing down.
I learned to be less concerned with achieving and concentrate on just being content with being alive.
I use to have this image of myself working like a maniac and having a sink full of dishes and an apartment with no time for myself and just dedicated to ‘moving forwards’ in my career. It scared me.
Sure, BP is not fun. But in many ways, it’s freeing. I express myself or rather my emotions, without fear now. I don’t go over board, but I’m more honest with myself than I’ve ever been.
I can finally say, I am at a place where I am satisfied with who I am. Sure, I still struggle with self image, but that’s on the outside. I’m talking as a person. I’ve done a lot of work on being a good person according to what I believe. There’s always room for growth and I accept it when the opportunity comes.
As for the bad times. When my thoughts are dark or too honest and the pain shows too much. That’s just the hand I was dealt and I deal with it the best I can.
I decided a long time ago to keep on living. Not to take my own life. And since I made that decision; I do the work necessary to stay here and healthy and working towards contentment. There is so much on this earth that is worth sticking around for and I wanna be here for them. Even something as simple as seeing butterflies again in my neighborhood this summer. (They went away for such a long time) I love butterflies. : )