One thing that I have noticed in all my years of BiPolar, is that you learn not to trust yourself. Thoughts, emotions, perceptions etc. All of that can be blurred and distorted by the illness. And the screwed up thing is that without practice, you don’t even know it’s happening.
By practice, I mean learning to be aware of your moods and triggers. Questioning your responses and reactions to situations and people. Asking yourself, am I spending too much money, am I sleeping too much and so on and so on.
When I first realized I couldn’t trust my own judgement 100%; it really depressed me. I use my instincts and am usually right. For a while, in the beginning, I doubted everything I did. Because I knew the line between reality and my perception of what was going on was servery blurred.
I’ve had psychotic episodes and manic episodes, although not as often as others. When you’re in “it”; it all seems so real and it all makes sense. Looking back, wow…
I’ve hallucinated in the beginning. Auditory and visual. When I think of what my mind has put me thru, sometimes I get pretty mad at all it has taken away from me. It’s a sense of loss that sits deep inside. I seldom go there, if at all.
I’m not into feeling sorry for myself. I accept what fate has given me and try to make the best of things.