In the distance…

When I find myself beginning to distance myself from non-essential people. I worry. By non-essential, I’m talking people I don’t have to depend upon for day to day living. Sure, that includes friends or even good friends.

I have a friend who helped me survive when the BiPolar was first diagnosed. We remain friends, but I feel myself pulling further away from him. Mainly because of he was the one ‘Laugh in My Face’ was written about. It’s hard for me to open up and be honest with someone.

I don’t generally trust people. I’ve had bouts with paranoia and Abilify has helped with that tremendously. There are still times that I think my friends or someone is out to hurt me. It’s a fleeting thought, but it does exist. NOTHING like the past though.

I don’t open myself up personally in the real world. People will use that against you in the future if they need too. Had it happen one time too many. I pick my friends carefully and once you are my friend. I am fiercely loyal. Unless you F’ it up.

I don’t want to lose him as a friend. But, I feel that he’s become more of an acquaintance. Or a friend from way back when. It seems to be what he wants. So, I guess it’s what he will get.

I am so done being the only one fighting too keep the friendship afloat. The one to make contact and suggest and ask. I told him I feel I am in this friendship alone. I guess I am.

The reason I worry about distancing myself from people is that, for me, it’s a sign that I’m headed into a deep depression. Like when I started giving away my belongings.

I’m just gonna watch my moods and hope for the best. I am so very tired of many things in my life. Right now, I’m just not feeling anything…


2 thoughts on “In the distance…

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