Today has been a day of ‘should I’ and ‘do I really care’. Before i’ve said that there are times it’s hard to care about myself. My health, my eating habits, my anything. It’s a major effort to give a damn about ‘me’.
People don’t realize how hard it is to just leave the house and take care of responsibilities, that soo many take for granted. I see so many doctors and it’s depressing at times. Times I just wanna stay home and waste away.
I battle with my self esteem. I feel so empty and lost sometimes. And I usually turn to food to fill in the gap and comfort myself. To make me ‘feel’ like I exist. Yup, food addiction. It’s not like I can give it up, I need it to live. Just not to cope.
That’s reprogramming. I have to find some way to satisfy those needs and feelings of emptiness with something else; besides food.
I’m isolating. Pulling back from people, ‘I feel’; don’t appreciate all I give or have to offer. But use me as a dumping ground. Not good enough for quality, but there none the less. “I can talk with you on the phone. Just can’t hang with you in person.” I guess I don’t rank with making the effort to visit… Disposable friend, that’s me.
So much going on in my mind. Numb.
Afraid I won’t be able to afford my refill of Deplin next month. I don’t know what I’m gonna do.