bipolar · Meds · mental illness · relationships · Self Image · Thoughts · Weight

Mind Battles

Today has been a day of ‘should I’ and ‘do I really care’. Before i’ve said that there are times it’s hard to care about myself. My health, my eating habits, my anything. It’s a major effort to give a damn about ‘me’.

People don’t realize how hard it is to just leave the house and take care of responsibilities, that soo many take for granted. I see so many doctors and it’s depressing at times. Times I just wanna stay home and waste away.

I battle with my self esteem. I feel so empty and lost sometimes. And I usually turn to food to fill in the gap and comfort myself. To make me ‘feel’ like I exist. Yup, food addiction. It’s not like I can give it up, I need it to live. Just not to cope.

That’s reprogramming. I have to find some way to satisfy those needs and feelings of emptiness with something else; besides food.

I’m isolating. Pulling back from people, ‘I feel’; don’t appreciate all I give or have to offer. But use me as a dumping ground. Not good enough for quality, but there none the less. “I can talk with you on the phone. Just can’t hang with you in person.” I guess I don’t rank with making the effort to visit… Disposable friend, that’s me.

So much going on in my mind. Numb.

Afraid I won’t be able to afford my refill of Deplin next month. I don’t know what I’m gonna do.

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One thought on “Mind Battles

  1. I can relate to so much of this. The depression, the food issues, the isolating and friend stuff, the cost of deplin (and seroquel for me). I’m so sorry you are going through it. The battles are tough. I’m trying some new treatments and diets my doctors are suggesting, but it’s all tough. You are definitely not disposable. I can’t take it away, but I can empathize. I hope you feel a bit better soon.

    Like

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