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Walking the dog. Which is actually one of the few things I enjoy. Such anger rose in me when my mind started to wander. Thinking of people who have passed thru my life and treated me like crap. Wishing bad things upon them. And realizing that I was so willing to adapt for them, but they never were for me.

I know I deserve more. But I wonder if it will ever come. I hope so…

Right now, I’m trying to figure out this added anxiety and irritability. If my hormones are fine, where is it coming from? Do I need a med adjustment? Just had one. More Zoloft maybe? Maybe. Or the dreaded, ‘it’s stopped working’.

That has happened to me many times in the past. Medication just lost it’s effectiveness and I had to find something else. I hope that isn’t happening. I’ve been thru so many meds, except MAOI’s. And I don’t want to go there. Ever.

It may just be stress. In that case, I know it will pass as things relax in my head. Wait for it… I don’t think things ever relax in my head.

My right ‘new’ knee is aching and doesn’t want to bend as much as my left ‘new’ knee. So, that’s an issue. I exercise it and it swells and aches. Of course. I walk a lot more now and without a cane, which is great. But, I wish the binding issue was resolved. Have to wait ’til the end of the month to address that issue.

I get the ‘joy’ of another pap smear next week. For some reason the GYN wants to retest me. I don’t know why. I hope everything’s ok. I’m not gonna go down that thought process.

And of course Friday, I find out if I have more surgery in my future. A shortening of my common channel. This has me on edge, but I do need to address this issue of the weight gain.

Hmmm, now that I look at things. No wonder my angst, anxiety, irritability is up. Could I finally be reacting like a normal person to stress??? Who knows, only the BiPolar knows.

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