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I can barely handle myself in a social situation. Inside, I’m a wreck. But I can fake it, til I make it. I will smile and chat a bit and when all that is expected of me is done. I will disappear off somewhere and freak quietly.

The purpose of communication with another person, is to get something. Really, think about it. Be it information, acceptance, friendship, a response like ‘hello’. Even something that simple is a desire for something from someone else. My mind can take the simplest ‘hello’ and turn it into an overwhelming experience. Thus the “Social Anxiety” diagnosis.

I don’t network/socialize because I can’t deal with peoples expectations of me. Be polite, respond, acknowledge me etc. It just panic’s the hell out of me. I want to get out and enjoy myself, I just don’t want to feel pressured into social situations. But, if you go out, it’s unavoidable.

If you talk to me, you’d never notice that I’m freaking inside. I’ve learned to be very cordial and blah, blah, blah. But in reality, I just wanna go home.

A friend from childhood contacted me on facebook. She wants to catch up. I want to be ALONE. She was nice and all, but… right now I am overwhelmed by other things in my head. Some might think this would be a good distraction away from my worries, but for me, it’s a social situation in which I will feel like I have to perform.

I don’t like performing. I’m honest and polite, but I’m not gonna fake smile ect. if I’m dying inside. Or maybe I would. In order not to offend the other person. It gets complicated.

What would I have to talk about anyways. No kids, no relationship, no job, just me and my diagnoses. Oh yeah, I’ve got a dog. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ashamed of my present situation. I just don’t want to be judged or get the ‘you poor thing’ look.

Maybe I’ll be up to it later in the month. But right now, it’s not happening.

I need to find a group of bipolar’s that meet. I’ve tried once, but couldn’t locate the room. I tried another time, but they were mixed diagnoses and I just felt out of place. I want to go to the library and relax, but it’s hard for me to relax in public.

Even some place quiet and soothing as our library. I’m hoping this will change. I’m hoping as the year goes on, I will feel more open to people. I just have to keep trying and fighting thru the mindspeak. Easier said than done.

There is an All-Class Reunion for my High School in July. I plan on going. It’s outdoors and I’m hoping that will ease some of the anxiety. I guess it’s a start.

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