Weirdest dreams last night. Everyone in my family was in it, even those who have past. Nothing spectacular happened, but it was strange cause I had a little baby girl and she was mine. But she kept moving and twisting and I could barely hold onto her.

When I was around 24, I decided not to have children. Because I feared the child would be bipolar and I wouldn’t want to put another human being thru what I was experiencing. Now that I’m 45, there are some regrets. I would love to have a child. But I know the first trimester without the meds I’m on now is something I know I could not do. So the fact that in the dream I had a child I couldn’t ‘handle’. Was a bit creepy.

I’ve been fighting all types of fears. For the first time, I’m afraid to get my teeth cleaned. Not that I’m having any problems, it’s just that I have a lot of dental work to do which I had to put off for a year. Due to the knee replacements. Not looking forwards to that whole experience again. Back and forth, needles in the mouth, ugh.

Also feeling slightly overwhelmed and panicky. Even with the med increase. So many doctor appointments this month. A lot of traveling. Not looking forwards to doing anything. February will be a huge decider in my future. I might have to have more surgery, but I’m won’t know until probably March. This weighs on my mind. Don’t know what to do about that situation. Don’t know what to do about anything right about now.