‘Tis the season. I’m usually in the hospital during this time of year. The years events and pressure and WHATEVER accumulate and by the end of the year, I can’t cope anymore. But, this year I’m on the outside. I can’t say I’m doing well, but I am here.

What do I think about the holidays? When you fight all year long, just to keep it all together. The forced ‘holiday spirit’ is hard to embrace. Reality and a false reality are hard to accept. Things are the same. Nothing has changed. They just want us to be happy now and smile and spread cheer for two months. Spend, give and be thankful.

I’m thankful all year round. I fight very hard for my sanity and I’m thankful to the lord that I’m still here and blessed with the help that I need to stay out of the hospital. So many people don’t have what I have, and I am blessed.

There are times I wish I weren’t here. But, I know it is fleeting. There are times I want to hurt myself or kill myself or just want the world to stop. These thoughts come and go. It’s hard. But self talk helps. Negating the thoughts. Telling myself that I really don’t wanna die or that it’s the illness and not reality.

Fighting to decide what is real and what is not, is part of this illness. It takes time and diligence.

I know I talk a lot about fighting and it being a battle. But, it really is and being strong or having will power have nothing to do with the battle. It’s using the resources you have around you and just not giving up. I’m not this positive cheerleader. Trust me. I’ve just been thru so much garbage and I refuse to be beaten by a chemical reaction.

There is so much in my life I don’t have control over, I can at least be in charge of my decision to stay. And stay I shall.

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