You know those days 

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when you wake up and feel like walking. No destination just walking. Taking turns when the mood hits you and going straight for as long as possible. Destination unknown, you’ll know it when you get there and then you’ll stop. 

That was today. Didn’t go far, but my heart wanted to wander with the breeze. Cool winds and gentle sun on my back. 

Felt good. Felt free. And then my day began and so did the fight. 

Moods, tears and exhaustion. 

Feelings of wanting to “be” someplace else but where you are now. Those kind of days.  

 

We all have our own demons, some are just more carnivorous than others.

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How do measure or obtain the worth of existence? In most ways, I’m a fatalist or at least was at one point. I don’t know what to call my thought process now, how I perceive life and trying to make sense of it all.

I use to think that God had a destiny all set out for each of us, and it was up to us (free will) to either reach or not reach that destiny. The destiny wasn’t any great prize or that all of our wishes would come true and life would be a dream. It would just be a life where we were content or happy for most of its course, until death.

Depending upon your decisions or actions, you either miss the mark or make it. But then how would you know if you were on the right path? Do you go by your gut? Do you try to manipulate life?

I’ve tried manipulating life, massive failure. Total disaster. Not recommended.

With BiPolar, I sometimes feel like I’m wasting space for someone more deserving to have lived life. Who had more to offer than I am capable of giving. I can’t work. I have no children. Sometimes I talk to my friend and a few other people, who come to me for advice. Why me? I have not lived.

When I say I have not lived, I mean I have not experienced life to its most fullest extent. Loved, given birth, had a career, traveled etc. Breathed the air and felt the surge of being alive.

That’s living, helping others and being able to participate in all there is out there.

I don’t sit and think about what my limitations are, but I am aware of them. I envy those who can run as an adult. Those who can walk or wake without pain. Those not hunted by some type of demon in their lives or in their minds. But those are fleeting moments.

We all have our own demons. Some are just more carnivorous than others.

Which brings me to my question; why am I still here? I have chosen to fight the good fight and not let this disease get the best of me. I have decided never to take my own life and if I’ve decided to live, I might as well get on with doing the things necessary to be considered ALIVE.

So I go thru the paces of daily existence. The stuff you do without thinking, but are an effort to me sometimes. Bathing, brushing my teeth twice a day, dressing, eating, taking all of my meds, making all of my doctors appointments, leaving the house to do these things, sleeping enough, all the things that should be like breathing, are an effort sometimes.

And then other times, when stability is there and the illness is in remission. They are second nature. Like breathing. So I look for other things to do, like expanding my mind, volunteering etc.

But I fear letting others down when the BiPolar comes back. If I make a commitment to be somewhere and perform a purpose, I want to do my best. It’s not fair for someone to hire me or enlist me and I can’t complete the task.

I took a free online course and passed with distinction. But it was stressful, exhausting and I panicked and had anxiety attacks thru the whole thing. How can I enroll for my Masters when this little course nearly set me back mentally.

I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m just being realistic. I’m not gonna jump on some rainbow and pretend that it’s all cheery just because I’m having good days mentally.

I have to be on guard, always.

So back to self worth. I guess I have no answers for that one after all. I live day by day, sometimes moment by moment. I don’t future think, I live and am trying to stay in present, cause that’s all I can handle comfortably.

This is how I live with my BP. And it works for me. For the moment, we all know everything changes and everything is temporary.

Introspective

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I feel so new with this physical illness. You can’t see pain with the naked eye, but you can see it’s effects. Kinda like mental illness. So actually, I should be able to get an understanding on how to live with this shit. Maybe.

With Sjogren’s, like BiPolar, you really never know when an episode is gonna hit, but you can kinda see or know the signs it’s coming.

I’ve got BiPolar’s signals down, for me. I can tell when certain behaviors are leading up to an upswing or a downward spiral. And I will try to head it off with meds or self talk etc. Using my skill set here.

With Sjogren’s, it’s all so new. I have a journal of daily activities. I know if I do too much, I will pay for it later or the next day. But, HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH ?

I slowly push the limits, but I fear a flare up, so I just do nothing. I hate the pain all over my body. My knees, my back, my hips. I’m sore all over and even laying down hurts.

So I take it easy.

Which leaves me without a life; I fear pain, depression, people, myself, loneliness, love. So many things, it’s not like a phobia, but more like a general fear of everything. Without being specific, maybe its paranoia, but I don’t think so. I don’t think anything is out to get me, so maybe it’s anxiety.

I’m just so tired of illness. No matter what the brand. I’ve been sick with something ever since I was born. Wearing leg braces as a toddler, constant bouts with tonsillitis. Depression.

I see myself dying alone and it scares me. The people I love are either growing up or getting older and as the youngest child, I fear being left behind. Sick and alone. No one knowing I’m dead until the stench in my apartment reaches the street. As the unpaid bills pile up in the mailbox and the neighbors begin to ‘wonder’.

Over 20 years of fighting BiPolar has left me tired and alone. I avoided relationships because I didn’t trust my judgement and I felt I would attract someone who would abuse me. The one time I tried, this came true. Not physical abuse, although there were time it came close, but verbal, emotional and mental abuse.

So, proving myself right. I stayed alone. Isolated and trying to get some sanity back.

When I finally got on an even keel, the bottom dropped out again with the thyroid and the Sjogren’s.

Something new to experience. I’m too old for this.

I don’t know if I have the fight of a 20 year old to battle and come out, O.K. anymore.

But something inside of me, keeps me moving forwards. Although I don’t know why or what it is I’m moving towards.

Depression and disappointment

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I can feel it creeping inwards. I am slowing down, it’s getting harder to get things done and I tire easily. There are physical reasons for the tiredness, but I also have a deep yearning for SWEETS.

I want sugar. I’ve cut back on it and use Stevia now instead in my coffee. It’s probably some type of stevia mixture, its called Zing.

I use less of it than I did on sugar. This change has helped me with my Sjogren’s.

But when the depression starts too creep in, I just want junk. Sleep and more junk.

I know I’ve gained weight. But I don’t care.

I just want a dining room table. I feel like, if I could get a place to eat and color and write, things would feel more like a home.

So far, I’m stuck.

Thought I had it, but it was a giant CLUSTERFUCK.

Had to unfriend my cousin. Her content was trash, and I’m the one on meds. That’s all I will say about that one.

I feel pressure to socialize. So I’m gonna do it, so they will leave me alone. I just want to be left alone actually. I value my privacy and self time.

Away from the drama that people bring upon themselves, simply because they don’t listen or pay attention to past mistakes.

Right now my head is in two places. A potential conversation and the writing of this post. I’m not multitasking, I am simply confused.

People are draining. Life is tiring and functioning is getting to be very difficult.

Oh, and I see the dentist on Friday.

Aint life grand?

There are times when things are blank

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You wake up and your mind is empty, your emotions are lacking and your concentration just ‘isn’t’ there.
Once you take your meds, things slowly fall into place, sometimes. But lately, the days are all the same.

There is always something wrong with each morning. Not the usual things, just the confusion that goes with being BiPolar. You have to try and isolate your thoughts, so others will understand what you are trying to say, because you lose track of what you want to say and what words you want to use. WORD FISHING.

I feel like it makes me look stupid. When you have to stop, mid sentence because you can’t remember what you were saying or the point you were going to make.

A lot of that has been going on lately. Not fun at all.

I’m just going to stop now, the confusion is really making this post hard. Time to distract from reality, because it’s difficult.

I never realized… “It’s all about that Bass”.

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I never realized what this song was about… I thought it was just another annoying new song on the radio. But “All about that Bass”, really has some positive lyrics. Self-image and body confidence are addressed and I feel that is important for young girls today.

I actually like the song now.

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Too many stick figures in the magazines. They even made the hamsters in the Kia Soul car commercials thin… WTF, when was the last time you saw a skinny hamster??? Let alone driving…

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I could go on for days how Seventeen magazine ‘brainwashed’ me thru high school. Pushing what others thought a girl ‘should’ look like and not being happy with who they were and just loving themselves.

Between body image and mental illness STIGMA, I could fill a book. These are two things which inflame me to a passion. Very little else can get me riled up these days.

Sjogren’s flare up this week, so I’m not doing much. Had to drop one med, but now I can’t sleep well at night, have to see my pdoc soon.

Still working on the thyroid levels. So, until they get normalized, things will remain a bit ‘wibbley wobbley’.

Missing Doctor Who at the moment, and The Walking Dead also, but at least I have ‘Blacklist’ too catch up on and watch for the time being.

Still tired though, which has become a constant.

Anhedonia

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Had a bitter “IM” battle last night with an ex-friend. She still can’t spell. I could be bitchy about the whole thing, but I am just feeling NOTHING this morning. I was full of anger and wanted a good cat fight last night.

But this morning I just don’t feel a thing. My mind is empty and I could care less about seeing or hearing from anyone. I think this started earlier in the week.

I was and did go see Les Miserables in New York on Weds. My friend was more excited about it than I was, even though somewhere inside, I knew I was, but it just couldn’t scratch it’s way too the surface. I had a good time, laughed and felt the cast was incredible. I think I expected more, since I knew all the songs from the original cast performance. The lead met my expectations, but Epionine (SP) fell flat. And I think that ruined it for me.

Its like reading a book and then seeing the movie and everything is flat afterwards. The book was better type thing.

But I can’t blame the play or the company. I just don’t “FEEL” today. I am empty and dead. I don’t see any future for myself. I see nothing ahead for me, just meandering thru days until death. And it doesn’t bother me.

I have no passion, poem ideas fleet thru my mind, but I have no desire to go further than one line. I want too write my screenplay, but I can’t… I am empty of thought.

Tried pleasuring myself last night and declared it a waste of time. I have no interest in sex, friendship, life, food. The only thing which brings a smile to my face is watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race”.

There are shows on my DVR which I should have watched months ago, but instead I watch re-runs of Law & Order and Charmed each morning and play Animal Crossing: New Leaf on my Nintendo all day. Mindless, thoughtless activities I could do in my sleep.

Which is why I didn’t put a TV in my bedroom. Or I would be in the bed all day, surfing for things on tv which didn’t require attention to watch, repeats and the murder channel, that ID channel with shows about the horrors of life.

I now have to make breakfast, so I can take my pills. Then off to the post office. My head hurts.

I know what this is, I’ve been thru it before and it passes, maybe. I guess it passed, but I didn’t notice or maybe it’s just degrees of Anhedonia: Loss of Joy, yup that’s it, joylessness in existence. I wouldn’t go too far and call this a life.

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