There are times when things are blank

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You wake up and your mind is empty, your emotions are lacking and your concentration just ‘isn’t’ there.
Once you take your meds, things slowly fall into place, sometimes. But lately, the days are all the same.

There is always something wrong with each morning. Not the usual things, just the confusion that goes with being BiPolar. You have to try and isolate your thoughts, so others will understand what you are trying to say, because you lose track of what you want to say and what words you want to use. WORD FISHING.

I feel like it makes me look stupid. When you have to stop, mid sentence because you can’t remember what you were saying or the point you were going to make.

A lot of that has been going on lately. Not fun at all.

I’m just going to stop now, the confusion is really making this post hard. Time to distract from reality, because it’s difficult.

I never realized… “It’s all about that Bass”.

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I never realized what this song was about… I thought it was just another annoying new song on the radio. But “All about that Bass”, really has some positive lyrics. Self-image and body confidence are addressed and I feel that is important for young girls today.

I actually like the song now.

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Too many stick figures in the magazines. They even made the hamsters in the Kia Soul car commercials thin… WTF, when was the last time you saw a skinny hamster??? Let alone driving…

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I could go on for days how Seventeen magazine ‘brainwashed’ me thru high school. Pushing what others thought a girl ‘should’ look like and not being happy with who they were and just loving themselves.

Between body image and mental illness STIGMA, I could fill a book. These are two things which inflame me to a passion. Very little else can get me riled up these days.

Sjogren’s flare up this week, so I’m not doing much. Had to drop one med, but now I can’t sleep well at night, have to see my pdoc soon.

Still working on the thyroid levels. So, until they get normalized, things will remain a bit ‘wibbley wobbley’.

Missing Doctor Who at the moment, and The Walking Dead also, but at least I have ‘Blacklist’ too catch up on and watch for the time being.

Still tired though, which has become a constant.

Anhedonia

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Had a bitter “IM” battle last night with an ex-friend. She still can’t spell. I could be bitchy about the whole thing, but I am just feeling NOTHING this morning. I was full of anger and wanted a good cat fight last night.

But this morning I just don’t feel a thing. My mind is empty and I could care less about seeing or hearing from anyone. I think this started earlier in the week.

I was and did go see Les Miserables in New York on Weds. My friend was more excited about it than I was, even though somewhere inside, I knew I was, but it just couldn’t scratch it’s way too the surface. I had a good time, laughed and felt the cast was incredible. I think I expected more, since I knew all the songs from the original cast performance. The lead met my expectations, but Epionine (SP) fell flat. And I think that ruined it for me.

Its like reading a book and then seeing the movie and everything is flat afterwards. The book was better type thing.

But I can’t blame the play or the company. I just don’t “FEEL” today. I am empty and dead. I don’t see any future for myself. I see nothing ahead for me, just meandering thru days until death. And it doesn’t bother me.

I have no passion, poem ideas fleet thru my mind, but I have no desire to go further than one line. I want too write my screenplay, but I can’t… I am empty of thought.

Tried pleasuring myself last night and declared it a waste of time. I have no interest in sex, friendship, life, food. The only thing which brings a smile to my face is watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race”.

There are shows on my DVR which I should have watched months ago, but instead I watch re-runs of Law & Order and Charmed each morning and play Animal Crossing: New Leaf on my Nintendo all day. Mindless, thoughtless activities I could do in my sleep.

Which is why I didn’t put a TV in my bedroom. Or I would be in the bed all day, surfing for things on tv which didn’t require attention to watch, repeats and the murder channel, that ID channel with shows about the horrors of life.

I now have to make breakfast, so I can take my pills. Then off to the post office. My head hurts.

I know what this is, I’ve been thru it before and it passes, maybe. I guess it passed, but I didn’t notice or maybe it’s just degrees of Anhedonia: Loss of Joy, yup that’s it, joylessness in existence. I wouldn’t go too far and call this a life.

What has this mind been up too

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I’ve tried to get my poetry out there, but it’s freeform. No real stanzas or form. Just thoughts and visions and ideas and some great stringing of words together. Creating image and emotion.

You couldn’t pay me to write a sonnet. Or Haiku. But if you don’t, they won’t pay you.

I’m trying to get others to UNDERSTAND what mental illness is, yeah it’s scary, yeah its deep and sometimes pretty fucking depressing.

But if you UNDERSTAND what I live everyday, maybe we can get some help to those who have none.

That’s what scares me, that’s what keeps the headlines roaring. Those of us who can’t get quality help, to help us at least LIVE.

I want to write a screenplay. Once I get the med shit straight and the mind is settled, I’m diving back into it. Maybe there I can make a difference. Maybe there I and WE can be heard.

Medication adjustments aren’t pretty, I’ve been thru too many. This is the first one that isn’t for BiPolar.

One med is for the Sjogren’s Syndrome. The other is the thyroid med. I have flares of pain and dizziness and just crap.

Its like a whirlpool right now, and I’m living it the best way I know how. moment by moment.

Dodged cancer. I’m kinda waiting too see what’s up ahead. What illness is in my future, but trying to avoid negative thinking. I’m so use to it, but it’s not healthy for me.

Love is for the movies, so is friendship, marriage and 3.5 children.

I accept that my life won’t probably be anything close to these images we are fed as children.

“I had a dream my life would be, so different from this hell I’m living. So different now than what it seems, life has killed the dream I dreamed.” – Les Mis

Always loved that song. Broadway.

This is not fun

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I wonder what to do with my life or what my life will become sometimes. I envision myself older, grayer and alone. Moving slower, doing small things and being tired and resting all the time.

You see and hear about seniors ‘out there’ in the world living exciting lives and being ACTIVE.

But it’s hard to be active when you are so damned confused all the time. When you hurt every day, and you are going thru a process of getting your body to a state of ‘normalcy’.

Sjogren’s Syndrome is a bitch with no name. You mention it and nobody knows what you’re talking about. If you say arthritis, they get it. But Sjogren’s. NOPE. It’s an autoimmune disease which can effect your organs and is more than just dry mouth and eyes.

For me, its constant joint pain, in my hips and swelling knees and stiff knees like boards. Some mornings I’m fucking walking like Frankenstein. Living off of pain killers and Tylenol is not what I thought getting older was all about.

I’m glad I’m still here. The BiPolar hasn’t done me in, I’ve found the right meds for the moment and I say moment because they tend to quit on me.

Now I have the Sjogren’s and the lack of a thyroid to deal with and its all becoming so complicated, with the brain fog (forgetfulness and losing your train of thought or what you were going to say next). It’s embarrassing and frustrating.

I’m afraid I’ll never be able to read my poetry out loud again, because my vocal chords still hurt. And I have to rest them, I still haven’t gotten my old voice back. I go to speak and sound like a toad.

This is not growing old gracefully. And I’m not even 50 yet.

This is not fun.

Yeah, no cancer.

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I thought I would be ecstatic, but again, that would be mania. Don’t get me wrong, I am pleased not to have cancer. And I am not bothered with having to take thyroid meds till I die.

I’m on psych meds until I die also, it isn’t going anywhere either. Neither is my autoimmune disease (Sjogren’s Syndrome).

But there’s an underlying depression, that Latuda is doing a fucking good job of holding back, I must say.

But it’s there and I can feeling it scratching at the walls. And I am just tired. From the thyroid, from the Sjogren’s (which btw I know more about than my primary doctor). From not getting repairs done in a timely manner on this apartment, (a month and a half to put the covers on some draws, really?)

And now, no hot water for the weekend. It’s almost been two weeks. I have to turn my heat up to 80 degrees to take a 3 min warm shower. It’s this ‘hot water on demand’ type system and no one has any idea how to fix it. Yeah, me.

Yes, there are starving children, homeless children, people without clean drinking water. I AM AWARE OF THIS! Call me a prima donna if that makes you feel better about yourself.

But I suffer also, and it has nothing to do with hot water. Cancer scares, surgeries, bipolar, thyroid adjustment of meds (which has been pure hell), Sjogren’s Syndrome (which is more than dry eyes and dry mouth), chronic pain, insomnia, molestation, YEAH, POOR ME, POOR ME, POUR ME ANOTHER.

That’s not the point. I ask for very little from life. I hope for the best and try to stop expecting the worst. I am trying to change that former thought pattern. TRYING to expect or and hope for a positive outcome. There is ALWAYS gonna be SOMETHING. There is ALWAYS gonna be SHIT. I know and understand this and am able to deal with it better now, than before.

Thanks to an inpatient stay that changed my life and helped me more than any other, where I learned coping skills, that work better than the ones I knew before.

I have learned to be thankful for each small blessing. And to give thanks to (whomever you choose to believe in or not). For me, its God and I thank him daily.

But I have also learned that with EACH blessing… The Devil gets his cut…

It’s a balance. Yin/Yang. Good and Evil.

Some people never go thru this in life. Good for them. But it may just be an appearance, because ‘you’re not living their day to day life’. You only see what they want you to see.

So, yeah. No cancer. I am grateful, believe me. So is my family. Especially my mother.

I bask in that.

Now I would just like to bask in a hot shower, before people start complaining.

It’s Always Something.

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Ok, no answers until after the surgery. I either follow the path of someone with cancer. OR I follow the path of someone who dogged a bullet called cancer. Right now, I don’t know.

My primary seems to think I have cancer and she would be the one handling my thyroid medication etc. IF I have thyroid cancer, I will have to have RAI. Which is a procedure where I swallow radioactive liquid or take a radioactive pill and can’t be around people for a week and have to eat a LID. Low Iodine Diet for 2 or more weeks. Then I get tests too see if the radiation has killed all the cancer cells in my body.

Gee, sounds like fun. I could be the HULK or someone. I could GLOW like Mr. Burns in that Simpson’s episode. I love that episode.

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Or all is well, I won’t get to glow and I just take SYNTHOID for the rest of my life.

I go for the latter. My Endocrinologist doesn’t think its cancer, he said the one nodule doesn’t feel like cancerous nodules he’s felt in the past.

I’m kinda pissed at my Primary doctor, I’ve would have the ‘good’ cancer. Easy to cure etc. That’s a shitty thing to say. There IS NO GOOD CANCER OR EASY CANCER.

Shit.

The title of this blog is It’s just one aspect. And I realize that since I FIRST was diagnosed with BiPolar. I wanted to make it clear that I am not my illness, I am not my diagnosis, I am a person first and see me as such.

I have my ups and downs, hell. It’s a roller coaster and I’ve been on it for over 20 years. Sometimes at the starting gate other times at the top of the drop… And then I just drop.

I’m processing this new kink in my long list of illnesses. Osteoarthritis, S’jogren’s Syndrome, Anxiety, Depression, Social Anxiety, Compulsive Overeater

Yeah, it’s kinda long. I just think DOCTORS like LABELS. It makes it easier for them to sort out things in their minds. They can treat the label and IGNORE the human being in front of them.

I do have good days. But right now, this takes precedence. Once March 10th comes and goes, I will have answers and I will move forwards with whatever comes next.

And something ALWAYS comes next, whether I’m ready for it or not.

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I love Gilda.

JUST WROTE THIS POEM… PLS READ https://bipolarslip.wordpress.com/2015/02/20/could-it-be-cancer/

Everybody Limbo…

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The more I find out about thyroid cancer and how you have to have surgery in order to discover IF you indeed have cancer, the more it pisses me off. Here is the result of my Biopsy.

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Most of the time it’s a we will wait and see type thing when they find a nodule. This could go on for years. Full of ultra sounds and doctor visits every six months. You know its there, but there is always that ‘if’ factor and things could change in a few years, you could have cancer… or not.

Then there’s the ‘we have to remove the nodule’ aspect. Where sometimes it’s not cancer, but you feel like you have just had an unnecessary operation that has put you on medication FOR LIFE.

I’ve decided to have my entire thyroid removed, because I have nodules on both sides, even though they only tested one side. DUH!

I will be on meds for it for the rest of my life. And if I have cancer, there is another step I have to follow. Another journey of illness. One of many trips I wish I didn’t have to take.

I don’t know if you can truly ‘master’ bipolar. By master i mean, be in synch with yourself and your illness. So that you can handle the ups and downs and not feeling like leaping off of a building every few days.

If the meds are right, and the therapy is right. You can survive BiPolar and at least be able to cope.

This is another ‘BODY BLOW’ and I know it. But my meds keep me from freaking and doing things to hurt myself. I realize this. Maybe it’s just blocking the emotions enough, that I can still be me and not a zombie or totally off balance.

I don’t know. I do have other issues with chronic pain. Just started in November. No one has any answers about that one either. But I will continue to address it and take the meds for that crap. Joint pain in my hips. Swelling knees. Shoulder pain. And the flare ups in both thighs where it feels like hot needles are being jabbed into my thighs, but my thighs also are tingling like they are numb.

JUST STOP. Please, I give. I don’t want to die, but I’ve had enough. I just want to live calmly and quietly and enjoy the small blessing I have received lately.

Cancer. BiPolar. Fibromyalgia???

I don’t know. But I will not be defined by an illness. As I say, it’s just an aspect.

Not sure how to put this… But cancer?

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It seems that since BiPolar hit back in 1993, my health has been going downwards. I have tried to eat healthy and exercise and all types of things to prolong my life, while also wanting to kill myself. I figured, if I’ve decided to stay here, I might as well do what is expected. Take care of myself physically.

So I go to the doctor regularly, dentist, gyn, the whole nine yards. I have a vitamin regime and it seems like everytime I start exercising, I hurt myself or get sick or something happens.

I have had many operations to lose weight, gallbladder, ovary/fallopian tube removal, 2 knee replacements, hernia.

And now it looks like I’m up for another one. I might have thyroid cancer. I won’t have all the answers until they take the follicular nodule from my thyroid. I won’t know until I wake up, how much of a thyroid I will have left. If I have to take radiation etc.

I know I will have to take thyroid meds afterwards for the rest of my life, I have to take psych meds for the rest of my life, so I have no problem with that.

My mother just finished her second bout of breast cancer. She is doing well, very well thank God.

Now, I guess it’s my turn. I figure the more people I talk to about this, the better I will feel. Still in kinda shock. Still feeling tired. Eating, not eating. Lots of sleep.

So I guess this blog will add the cancer trip as well as the Bipolar aspect.

This should be fun… Not.

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