Well. I have social anxiety and a touch of agoraphobia. If it weren’t for my dog, I probably wouldn’t go out at all. ‘cept for doctor appointments. Those are my social moments. Sad but true.

And it takes a lot out of me to prepare to go and do what needs to be done. Like shopping, walking the pooch, dr. appts. and other responsibilities.

My therapist wants me to go out more. I want me to go out more. But, my head says, ‘it’s too scarey out there’. So much negative crap.

I’m hoping things improve in time. My knees are getting better, I walk better w/o a cane. Which is great.

After the surgery, I should feel even better. We’ll see.

There is always something going on and it’s usually not something to party about. I’m tired that and yes I do want some cheese with my Whine. LOL.

Many of my friends don’t understand that at 45, I’ve never truly lived. Done things that other people have taken for granted. Love, children, travel, concerts and even the little things. I started really getting out there and living, before the BiPolar came into my life.

But it was all put at a halt at the age of twenty three. Some nineteen years ago. That’s one thing my former best friend just didn’t get. No matter how hard I tried to convey this too him. It wasn’t whining, it was regret. Yeah, I feel robbed.

I was fine, well at least functioning etc. for 23 years. Then SLAM, the door shut. It’s hard to live with and something I really need to address. I realize that now.

Since I first heard the saying about walking a mile in another man’s shoes. I have tried to instill it in my daily living. You just never know the circumstances of someone’s life. But it’s so easy to judge. So easy to compare.

I’m not making excuses for people, just asking for some empathy before being so harsh.

Yes, I am disturbed. Yes, I have warned and advised that not all attempts are successful and you can end up worse than when you made the attempt AND unable to do anything about it. But they are young and in pain. I understand that aspect.

Maybe it’s the age that makes it hard for anything to get thru. I’m glad they are talking about their issues, which I think keeps them from doing any serious damage, but it really bothers me that they are in so much pain.

Horrible things happen to so many people and yet we survive. But I guess some are just not as strong as others. If strength has anything to do with the whole idea of ‘surviving’.

I know that one day, this person will get their wish and we won’t hear from them anymore. They are so desperate to die, thinking that death equals relief. When it doesn’t. Sure it’s over, but you leave behind such a mess. And someone’s got to clean it up.

When someone has ‘truly’ made that decision. There is nothing you can do to stop them, once they commit. I guess the secret is to get thru to them, before they commit. Before it becomes so solid in their minds that it’s THE answer and the only one.

Here are some warning signs of Suicidal Tendencies:

1. Emotional State

The most evident mood presumably is depression. Person will not laugh or joke, facial expression is gloomy and verbalizations are pessimistic in general, especially when relating to self. There is only one situation where a suicidal person will speak hopefully, which I will come to soon. Outburst of anger or crying over minor issues can be frequent.

2. Thoughts

The person’s imaginations and thoughts focus on successful methods of ending life. They may also verbalize their thinking by asking questions like, “Do you think getting hit by a truck hurts much?” or “Taking how many of these tabs, do you think, will be fatal?”

3. Activity

The person is generally restless. He/ she lacks concentration, yet is preoccupied. These individuals can also be seen making arrangements to settle their personal, family and other matters. They may pay off their debts, sell properties, join for family insurances and write their own wills, and even try to fulfill their loved one’s wishes they were so against till then. The person can also be found writing depressing poems and sad stories which cumulate in death of the core characters.

4. Eating and Sleeping Habits

Extremes of behaviors are seen in either of the cases. Depressed persons can hog or starve. They can have insomnia or sleep for hours, not even eating or bathing. Sleeplessness is due to anxiety, and over-sleeping is due to incapability to face life while awake.

5. Self-esteem

The person has very low self-esteem and no motivation feelings at all. Words like,” I can’t go on”, “I am a loser”, “why try when I am bound to fail?” are common. These individuals will not usually have a goal to live for. They also feel that other people find them disgusting, a burden or ‘less than human.’

6. Past History of suicide

Individuals who have tried once to do self-murder are the one’s who try again. If any of your loved one has escaped suicide, be watchful, as there is a very high percentage of chance that they will try again, unless the situation changes.

7. Change of mood

Note well when a person who was feeling down for a long time suddenly gets happy and light-hearted. It can mean that they have decided on carrying out their suicidal plan. They will suddenly be carefree and jocular. These changes will be a relief to the family member, as they consider that the person is at last getting back to life, when indeed the reverse is imminent.

borrowed from: http://depression-anxiety.factoidz.com/warning-signs-of-suicidal-tendencies/

Right now I am barely awake and heading back to sleep after a 5 hour nap. Yup, when in doubt…sleep. My anxiety was just too high and the Xanax was the only thing that brought it under control. Even chamomile tea didn’t help.

When i can feel it on my back like spikes under my skin, I know it’s bad.

Until tomorrow.

I’m really not a negative person. I’m very supportive and positive. Glass half full kinda chic. It’s just that there are times my thoughts aren’t too great and this is where they come out. I wanted to show the reality of BiPolar, sometimes things are great, sometimes they are pure hell.

I could go on and on about how “It’s all temporary”. Which is something I live by and it helps me get thru soo much. Like the saying, “This too shall pass”. I get comfort just by reading it.

I needed a place where I could be honest with myself. And this is it.

BiPolar too me, is a blessing and a curse. I felt like I’d been let in on a huge secret that only a few on the planet knew existed. It was a new way of looking at life and people. I felt like I saw things for what they really were and not what I was expected to see them as; or taught too.

Gone were the ‘keeping up with the Neighbor’s’. And the whole everyone has it better than me crap. I realized that no one knows what really goes on in another person’s life. It may look so perfect on the outside, like Snow White’s Apple. But, bite into it and it all is crashing down.

I learned to be less concerned with achieving and concentrate on just being content with being alive.

I use to have this image of myself working like a maniac and having a sink full of dishes and an apartment with no time for myself and just dedicated to ‘moving forwards’ in my career. It scared me.

Sure, BP is not fun. But in many ways, it’s freeing. I express myself or rather my emotions, without fear now. I don’t go over board, but I’m more honest with myself than I’ve ever been.

I can finally say, I am at a place where I am satisfied with who I am. Sure, I still struggle with self image, but that’s on the outside. I’m talking as a person. I’ve done a lot of work on being a good person according to what I believe. There’s always room for growth and I accept it when the opportunity comes.

As for the bad times. When my thoughts are dark or too honest and the pain shows too much. That’s just the hand I was dealt and I deal with it the best I can.

I decided a long time ago to keep on living. Not to take my own life. And since I made that decision; I do the work necessary to stay here and healthy and working towards contentment. There is so much on this earth that is worth sticking around for and I wanna be here for them. Even something as simple as seeing butterflies again in my neighborhood this summer. (They went away for such a long time) I love butterflies. : )

As far as religion is concerned, I’m not a believer in organized religion. But I am a christian. For me, GOD is everywhere and if you take out the human factor, like ministers and priests etc, it’s easier to have a loving relationship with God.

“The Kingdom of God is inside you and all around you. Not in buildings of wood and stone. Split a piece of wood and I’m there, lift a stone and you will find me… “ Jesus -Stigmata

I’m a fatalist. I believe there is a destiny put out before us from birth and that it’s up to us to acheive it, based on our decisions. We have a fate, it’s just a matter of getting there.

I am a Capricorn. I use to be heavily into Astrology and Tarot in my youth. But now, I couldn’t tell your fortune or what your signs characteristics were if you paid me.

Although I am not sexually active, I am hetero. But I am more attracted to white men, than black. I don’t know why, but that’s just my preference.

My all time favorite movie… Casablanca. I am a true romantic underneath it all…

My favorite television show… The Walking Dead. Nuf Said. LOL.

If I had life motto, it would be.
“Fall down seven times… Get up eight.”

By practice, I mean learning to be aware of your moods and triggers. Questioning your responses and reactions to situations and people. Asking yourself, am I spending too much money, am I sleeping too much and so on and so on.

When I first realized I couldn’t trust my own judgement 100%; it really depressed me. I use my instincts and am usually right. For a while, in the beginning, I doubted everything I did. Because I knew the line between reality and my perception of what was going on was servery blurred.

I’ve had psychotic episodes and manic episodes, although not as often as others. When you’re in “it”; it all seems so real and it all makes sense. Looking back, wow…

I’ve hallucinated in the beginning. Auditory and visual. When I think of what my mind has put me thru, sometimes I get pretty mad at all it has taken away from me. It’s a sense of loss that sits deep inside. I seldom go there, if at all.

I’m not into feeling sorry for myself. I accept what fate has given me and try to make the best of things.

I figure, if I stuck around and waiting this tirade out. It wouldn’t change. Once is enough. No chance for shame on me or anymore nasty comments. I was NEVER mean to him, doesn’t give him the right to be so to me. No one.

So, I chose to walk away before things got ugly. I know he was doing it on purpose, so be it. I the genie grant you your final wish. Good bye.

It’s sad, but necessary to my survival. I’ve got a lot of things ahead of me and I need positivity, not conflict.

I find it difficult to watch your slow suicide
I find it difficult to be taken as a joke
I find it difficult to be called manipulative
and to be negated

I find it difficult to be tied to you.

Not deserved
Bursts of directed madness

Tired of understanding
Tired of failed synapses

Don’t want to say good bye
But good bye comes to all

Don’t want to leave after all these years
But, it was totally your call.

So have a nice life
Swallowing your bitterness
Alone, as you want it.

DIH – 2/17/12

Catapult
-counting crows-

All of the sudden she disappears
just yesterday she was here
somebody tell me if I am sleeping
someone should be with me here
(cause I don’t wanna be alone)

I wanna be the knife that cuts into my hand
and I wanna be scattered from here in this catapult
What a big baby won’t somebody save me please
You won’t find nobody home

all of these quiet battered voices
wait for the hunger to come
we got little revolvers and stupid choices
and no one to say when we’re done
(Well I don’t wanna bring you down)

I wanna be the light that burns out your eyes
`cause I know there’s little things about me
that would sing in the silence of so much rejection
in every connection I make
I can’t find nobody home
I wanna be the last thing you hear when you’re falling asleep….